Well here we go. We have reached the premiere! My girlfriend and I are actually very excited about this season. It is new with two different bachelorettes, and both women are really easy to root for. Gabby is hilarious and not afraid to talk shit to people, and Rachel has the Disney princess vibe that show is so used to.

For those who have not been part of my recaps or power rankings before, this is a stream of consciousness blog. We just got off the cuff here. There is much much nuance or deep thinking. More so just got reactions and judging.

So without a further ado, let’s dive into Gabby and Rachel as the Bachelorettes.

THE PRELUDE
  • Now let us all remember how shitty Clayton was to Gabby and Rachel. He slept with both of them, told them about it, begged them to stay, and then sent them home after bringing back Susie who was really in love with the entire time. Tough cookies there for the pair.
  • Of course we get Jesse Palmer saying “This is the most dramatic season of all-time.” Classic. Good to have those cliche lines back.
  • Alright, Gabby looking unbelievably good i that pink swimsuit. Jesus Christ wow.
  • What place are Gabby and Rachel staying at?? It is IMMACULATE??
    • That view on the ledge?? Beautiful. I would be scared of the heights, but I get it.
    • That pool looks really nice too.
  • So this new fashion trend of the shirts that are actually dresses that look like shirts? I noticed this when I was at a wedding last weekend and now I am seeing it here as well.
    • Gabby looked a lot better in the white that Rachel did in the brown.
  • Before we get to the introductions, we do get a peak into living rooms of some of the guys. I think that is a new thing? Like when they announced that both Gabby and Rachel would be competing.
  • HOLY SHIT, WHAT A COMMERCIAL AND PROMO BY THE BACHELOR.
    • Hey, your boyfriend sucks and is stupid, so dump him and apply to be a contestant on The Bachelor. Holy shit what a promo. Took my girlfriend and I completely by surprise.
  • When Gabby and Rachel step out of the limo and talk to Jesse Palmer, it because abundantly clear that nobody knows how this is going to work. It was said at least four times in the first 15 minutes, and was a motif throughout the entire episode.
  • There were a bunch of cute moments between Gabby and Rachel before the men come into the picture.
    • The exit from their limo going with the feet, legs up to the hands, holding hands.
    • Rachel asking Gabby to check her teeth was super relatable moment. 
FIRST INTRODUCTIONS
  • Zach was the first to get out of the limo
    • I got a little bit of smugness from him. He is hot, but he knows he is hot.
    • He is very tall and Emma likes his dimples
    • Zach forgetting his name and having Rachel need to remind him was a redeeming moment.
    • I do think we may get him as a villain because he has a major talking to with Jesse in one of the season previews.
  • Jason comes next and immediately my girlfriend and I classified him as attainably hot.
  • Aven comes down the lane and he has a very interesting name.
    • Unique brown, olive green like suit.
    • Aven also has impeccable skin. Impeccable.
  • Jordan H. with the really clever headphones gag that worked.
    • I was a big fan of his shirt.
  • Michael was boring. Not strong.
  • Ethan was a juggler…and not a good one?
  • Kirk is the football coach and he is GUNG HO on his entrance, He went ALL OUT with the pump up speech. It was definitely over-the-top, but he was confident about it, so that helps.
  • Logan comes out of the limo and thanks the limo driver. That is extra bonus points for sure.
    • Logan also has the chicks gimmick which was playful. I am happy that he didn’t have to hold them the ENTIRE time.
    • Gabby didn’t like playing with the chick. It was feisty.
  • Quincey is a life coach and that is negative points to start off with for me.
    • The one thing he said is that he is known as Prince, which I mean come on.
    • Also, WTF was the not having sex for a year and a half thing? What the hell does that matter? Gabby didn’t even agree with it.
  • Hayden came out of the limo and my girlfriend’s eyes lit right up. She liked him.
    • Joseph Gordon-Levitt looking guy. The eyes really take you there.
    • Gabby liked him a lot because of the penis joke
  • Ryan makes a Clayton joke and it makes bad and it is not well received.
  • All I had down down for Johnny was EWWWWW
  • Alec with a horrendous entrance. I don’t understand how Gabby and Rachel liked it
    • The kids choir. What the fuck was that? That was so cringe. So fucking cringe.
      • Also it went on for SO SO LONG. TOO LONG!
    • Will be identifying him as the earring guy as well because of the dangling one.
  • James is the “Meatball guy”.
    • I don’t like that his job is Meatball Enthusiast
    • I do like how some of the guys began eating his sandwich.
  • Justin B. with no shoes should have been sent home immediately
  • Brandon. I did not like the blue-man suit.
  • Roby is the magician. That occupation doesn’t’;t seem like it will last long.
    • How many tricks will he preform and is that all he will do?
  • John was super-duper nervous. Super-duper duper nervous.
  • TINOOOO!!!!! What an entrance by Tino!!!
    • The “forking” gorgeous joke got me real good. I enjoyed it a lot.
    • Also Rachel enjoyed him a lot.
  • Jacob comes riding in on a white horse called Blanco. He is shirtless and in jeans.
    • He was a fairly self deprecating man despite his brashness with no shirt.
    • You think he is cold? I could feel him shivering as the show went on.
    • His blond flowing locks make it work.
  • For Tyler I wrote “he can’t last, just too young”. Now seeing that he is 25 years old, I totally get it.
  • Colin made some sort of joke and Rachel made a joke back but I didn’t hear it.
  • The twins have arrived…and they have arrived TOGETHER?? Come on, be separate for a little while at least. Show some individuality.
    • This would be a problem that persists.
  • Spencer brings the chairs and that is a super smart move. East bonus points.
    • Mentioned that he has relationships with mom, sister, etc. So he knows.
    • Why didn’t the ladies stay in the chairs for at least a little while.
  • Matt, I just have that Emma thinks he is cute.
  • Nate had the pillow prop which didn’t really hit home for me.
  • Jordan V. is the race car driver.
    • A different kind of sport than than we are used to seeing.
  • Ehrich
    • Again, as I have mentioned before, a very weird way to spell name.
    • The tie entrance is actually a pretty good one; forces interaction between him and the ladies.
    • Being the last on in the room has to be both a super positive and super negative
      • Last impression but also stressful having to wait the longest to do it.
GET-TO-KNOW YOU PORTION
  • I HAVE A CONSPIRACY THEORY 
    • The first people that we see interact with Gabby and Rachel are Roby and the Brookfield, CT twins
      • The people are also the only ones to meet with them as a pair. An immediate disadvantage
      • Conveniently, these three individuals were the only ones sent home this week (and from the interactions they had, it makes sense)
    • THIS IS MY THEORY
      • The scenes with Roby talking to Gabby and Rachel, and the twins talking to them as well, were done in HASTE just before the rose ceremony. Both Gabby and Rachel didn’t wanna do the twins thing and they didn’t like the vibe from Roby, and they told the producers that. The editors were like “OH SHIT” we have no footage of you guys together besides the introduction, we can’t have that.
        • Hence the paired meeting, the forced conversation and struggle to get together. They needed it for the edit.
  • I really like the two first impression roses and the dichotomy of two bachelorettes. It is adding some new strategy and perspective to all of the conversations
  • We do not see who pulls Gabby or Rachel aside first after their toast. Further proof of my conspiracy theory
  • Roby talking to Rachel and Gabby was on one knee which was a weird dynamic after doing more magic tricks.
  • The twins, when they were talking to them, were talked to as if they were children. And it makes sense, because they are fucking 24 years old.
  • Ryan from Boston has a wicked accent and got along well with Gabby
    • I thought he was being to aggressive when he was telling her to be quiet, and he called her “Gabber”, but she seemed to like it. She was all in on the banter.
  • Hayden did really well with Rachel with her birthday card.
  • Jacob and Gabby sitting on the floor was a little weird, as was him reading off a piece of paper, but Gabby seemed to dig him
    • Girlfriend made a good point that they were probably both freezing, so sitting near the fire was probably a smart idea.
  • Rachel and Aven seem to hit it off well.
  • The BIGGEST surprise of the day is Jordan V., the race car driver!
    • Him showing his car to Rachel, and bonding over the engineering of it and the technical side of what they do was awesome to see. That his him making a purposeful connection to show how they are both different, but one in the same.
    • Rachel seemed to notice this as well. And she wanted a kiss, and she did not get one.
  • This is a big motif of the last hour; none of the guys kissing Gabby or Rachel
    • There is for sure a thing here about not knowing which one you will fall for, not knowing if it would make the other angry, not trying to ruffle any feathers, and nerves. There are a lot more variables running through a guys head this time around on night one than normal.
  • The first kiss went to Mario and Gabby. They talked for a bit, then Mario did the deed.
    • According to Emma, Gabby wanted way way more. She then did go in for a second big kiss so that makes a lot of sense.
  • The next kiss is Tino and Rachel at the stairs
    • Rachel really liked Tino wanting to remake memories on a staircase.
  • I like this little girl check-in we have as we are approaching the end of the show.
    • Gabby made sure to point out Mario and Jacob
    • Rachel made sure to point out Tino, Jordan and Hayden
  • What are our thoughts on people requesting to kiss?
  • Love Gabby talking to some guy and just saying “boys are dumb.” That is a true statement
  • Enrich maybe giving off a little bit of villain vibes? Talking with both women, kissing one of them, wanting to kiss both He got a lot of face time and is a big charmer. I can sense it.
  • Mario gets the first impression rose from Gabby, and Tino gets it from Rachel. Not a big surprise for either. The kissers get the roses.
ROSE CEREMONY
  • Well, not really a rose ceremony.
    • As mentioned earlier and well known by this point…only three men sent home. The Twins and Roby.
      • What is the furthest a magician has gone on the show?
  • Everyone must have been so cold and so tired. They need to all take a nap in a fuck ton of blankets
    • I mean it is literally morning by the time they get to the rose ceremony. It is not dawn, it is morning.

POWER RANKINGS

This is going to be a really rough power rankings. Not everyone made an impression, so there are going to be a lot of “who the fuck are you” people.

But this is the fun part, so let’s gets after it.

No. 29

Chris (Mentality Coach – Redondo Beach, CA- 30)
His bio was the worst. I don’t remember him for anything, and his bio was more self-centered than I could dream writing about myself.

No. 28

TERMAYNE (CRYPTO GUY – NAPERVILLE, IL – 28)
Who are you??!!!???

No. 27

MATT (SHIPPING EXECUTIVE – SAN DIEGO, CA – 25)
I literally have nothing on Matt. Nothing at all.

No. 26

COLIN (SALES DIRECTOR – CHICAGO, IL – 36)
I did not hear the hoke that he told. So I have nothing. But I remember missing him.

No. 25

TYLER (SMALL BUSINESS OWNER – WILDWOOD, NJ – 25)
He is just so young. He looks like a young puppy.

No. 24

JUSTIN B. (PHYSICAL THERAPIST – SOLANA BEACH, CA – 32)
Did not enjoy the no shoes bit.

No. 23

ETHAN (ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE – NEW YORK, NY – 27)
Juggling thing didn’t work. But it is a good thing he was bad and embraced it and didn’t try to hard to impress.

No. 22

JOHNNY (REALTOR – PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL – 25)
I had written down “ewwwww I didn’t like that .” Sooooo, can’t be good.

No. 21

MICHAEL (PHARMACEUTICAL SALESMAN – LONG BEACH, CA – 32)
I had boring written down. But boring isn’t bad. It is just boring.

No. 20

JOHN (ENGLISH TEACHER – NASHVILLE, TN – 26)
A teacher who looks like a totally normal dude! We want the normal dudes to do well!

No. 19

Jason (Investment Banker – Santa Monica, CA – 30)
Jason is cute according to my girlfriend. He is attainably hot. She liked his bad intro.

No. 18

Alec (Wedding Photographer – Houston, TX – 27)
His introduction was terrible. I didn’t like his suit. It was all a miss for me. This is the last guy that I have from feelings about that I remember.

No. 17

QUINCEY (LIFE COACH – MIAMI, FL – 25)
Admittedly bias against this job profession, and also don’t like someone giving himself the nickname “Prince”

No. 16

James (Meatball Enthusiast – Winnetka, IL – 25)
James has his gimmick. Mainly keeping him here for when he tells Rachel he is here for Gabby. Atleast I remember what his name is.

No. 15

KIRK (COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH – LUCCOCK, TX – 29)
Kirk is not going to be here for a long time. But I remembered his name. He is a loud fella.

No. 14

BRandan (Bartender – Carlsbad, CA – 23)
He rebounded well from his bad entrance. He got laughs from the ladies when he was on screen.

No. 13

Erich (Real Estate Analyst – Bedminster, NJ – 29)
First of two back-to-back trouble makers here. Erich has the game. He is ready for it.

No. 12

ZACH (TECH EXECUTIVE – ANAHEIM HILLS, CA – 25)
Zach is attractive. But Zach is going to get in trouble later. But raise him in the rankings for entertainment value.

No. 11

SPENCER (VENTURE CAPITALST – CHICAGO, IL – 27)
The chairs were a genius idea, but he disappeared about that.

No. 10

Mario (Personal TRainer – Naperville, IL – 31)
Mario got a first impression rose. He will be a big deal, but I think that he talks way too much.

No. 9

Aven (Sales Executitve – San Diego, CA – 28)
Aven has beautiful skin. Good looking dude.

No. 8

Nate (Electrical Engineer – Chicago, IL – 33)
This is just vibes. I think that they hid Nate on purpose because he is going to make a run.

No. 7

RYAN (INVESTMENT DIRECTOR – BOSTON, MA – 36)
His bio stinks, but Gabby likes him and he was entertaining in interviews.

No. 6

Jordan H. (Software Developer – Tampa, FL – 25)
Again, this is a vibes check. I liked Jordan’s headphone joke.

No. 5

Jacob (Mortage Broker – Scottsdale, AZ – 27)
Well this photo was a lie about his hair!

No. 4

TINO (GENERAL CONTRACTOR – PLAYA DEL REY, CA – 27)
First impression rose is all his. He did well, but I did not like the stairs thing. but Rachel LOVED IT.

No. 3

Logan (Videographer – San Diego, CA – 26)
He was cute with the chicks. Didn’t hold onto them the whole time, and his job gets him extra bonus points.

No. 2

Hayden (Leisure Executive – Tampa, FL – 29)
Just a super nice guy. I just have positive vibes.

No. 1

Jordan V. (Drag Racer – Alpharetta, GA – 27)
I was really blown away with the way he tried to connect with Rachel. He put in a real effort.

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