Episode Two. The boys (all but three) are back. How will The Bachelorette handle more guys? Will there be more group dates? Will there be shortened one-on-one dates? As we learned in episode one, we have no idea how this is going to work and everyone is going to figure it out along the way.

So without a further ado, let’s dive into episode two of Gabby and Rachel as the Bachelorettes.

“PAGEANT” SHOW
  • We are going to start this off with proving how hypocritical this show is.
    • In what world would this be allowed on The Bachelor. There is ZERO WAY in ANY VERSION OF EARTH that this would be allowed if women were the one’s being purposely put in scantly clothes.
      • Now I know that these men are put into a world that isn’t real and they know that they are going to be put under a gameshow spotlight…but the fact the show doesn’t even poke fun at this hypocrisy itself means its trying to guard itself.
    • What makes this whole thing the most hypocritical is when Rachel said she felt “sexualized” when Chris was talking fantasy suites later in the episode.
      • GIRL, YOU AND GABBY PUT THE MEN IN SPEEDOS AND THEN WATCHED THEM GIGGLE THEIR BUTTS AND SAW THE OUTLINE OF ALL THE GOODS! How do you think the guys felt? I am sure that all were comfortable with that. God knows I would not be.
        • Imagine if a guy didn’t want to do the speedo challenge out of discomfort. Would Gabby and Rachel had been okay with it? Or would they have thought that they were not opening up by disrobing? I somehow don’t think that there would be a great celebration of body acceptance like there would be in this version of The Bachelor.
          • Maybe this is me being jaded. Let me know if you think differently.
      • Disclaimer here. Chris is a douche. We will get to him. He is terrible. I do not back Chris and they way he talked about fantasy suites. So don’t back out now.
  • Setting this whole thing up, I thought about how all the old pageant contestants on The Bachelor would love something like this.
  • Alright, now let’s actually get to the booty show.
    • It appears this pageant is taking place because it was a gross rainy day. Without a pool party for an option, Gabby and Rachel (or their handlers) have to think of a new option.
      • We get to the pageant after everyone does 30 minutes of pushups and chin-ups. I love Gabby’s outfit but don’t love Rachel’s leathery one.
    • Logan goes and disrobes first and he has a ton of confidence.
    • Oh, we love that Jesse is there and having to sit through this as well. Make him as uncomfortable as we all may feel.
    • Prince has the green thong that goes up the but. Who else thought of Sasha Baron Cohen and his green speedo from Borat.
    • Gabby with a fantastic “stiff competition” joke.
      • What would happen if someone got a chub during this competition?
    • Jacob looks good with the glasses and mortgage broker routine. He knows how to work with what he has.
    • MEATBALL GUY POURING SAUCE ON HIMSELF IS DISGUSTING
      • Rachel saying she is Italian but she doesn’t do canned sauce was a great line.
    • Johnny getting extra points for the pilot hat
    • Chris doing the whole basketball thing saying it combines sports, music and leadership.
      • He is not good at singing. He is in fact bad.
        • He is so bad that the editors put “Tone Deaf” as his job in the lower third.
          • This “Tone Deaf” tag will be carried on through the rest of the episode.
      • I am proud that I snuffed out villain vibes when I read his bio and after the episode last week. I am proud of myself.
    • So six dudes who did the best during this pageant were chosen to go back to the chateau of the ladies (THEY ARE LIVING ON A WINERY??!! WITH A HELI PAD??!!) and get extra one-on-one time.
      • Colin – He is a nerd. He talked about audible, and Harry Potter, and narrators. I would love to have this communication with Colin…but Rachel said it was like making small talk with your cousin. Not good.
      • Logan – He is playing both sides. He kisses both ladies. He calls Rachel “Brave” and he saves the date for her because she was disappointed in the conversations she was having. He gets Rachel’s rose.
      • Johnny – Despite the pilot’s hat in his speedo, Johnny gets Gabby’s rose because she really surprised him.
      • Aven – We literally did not hear him speak.
      • Brandan – Had a really rough conversation. Did not seem smooth at all. Also his body language was all leaning back. Not great vibes.
      • Jason – Was honest with Rachel saying he felt rush for Gabby at the start. OUCH. So it begins.
    • It was kind of crazy that it seemed like Jesse broke the news to the guys they Johnny and Logan got the group date roses the morning after.
Rachel & Jordan V. One-on-One Date
  • YES!! I was so excited for this. Loved Jordan V. in episode one so let’s have this work (this is what I was thinking)
  • A really nice car for the drive to the airport for their zero gravity trip
    • How does zero gravity work?
      • How long are you up there?
      • How deflating is every kiss after your first kiss is in zero gravity?
  • Jordan V. is being himself. He is a shy guy who has a hard time breaking open his heart but give him an activity where he feels something and he will open up.
  • Rachel is surprised that Jordan V. is afraid of heights. Speed and heights are very different.
  • I think that Rachel and Jordan V. look incredibly good together.
    • TO BAD THIS WON’T LAST
  • Rachel’s red dress really is accenting her assets.
  • Jordan V. is asked about his family and he tells Rachel that his parents got divorced so he had to be the father figure for his younger siblings when he was only 13 years old so he was forced to grow up really fast.
  • THEN RACHEL JUST WALKS AWAY
    • She starts talking to a producer and how she wants to like Jordan V. but she just isn’t feeling it.
    • She literally says everything that she likes about him, but then it is nah.
    • You know what it feels like? RACHEL YOU ARE OVERTHINKING THIS! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE IN JUST ONE DATE! YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR LESS THAN TWO DAYS!
    • Jordan V. did everything right, and Rachel says only good things, but the only bad thing is that she doesn’t feel “it”
      • I can not be gatekeeping her love, but all of this seems to be overthinking and putting far too much trust in the Bachelorette environment.
  • Rachel sends Jordan V. home. I am very sad.
    • If she said that she didn’t have a connection and there wasn’t a spark…why didn’t we see that footage. All we saw were the good things.
  • WE HAVE THE FULFILL THE CONTRACT WITH THE RANDOM COUNTRY SINGER WE GOT!
    • This is honestly hilarious. It is already awkward when the bachelor/bachelorettes need to mention a band they have never heard of. This is even more so with them not even seeing them preform.
    • Now I will say this. This song fit really well for a montage. I think it may have bene a bit of luck, but the editors did a really good job making the most of an unexpected situation.
MEANWHILE…BACK AT THE MANSION
  • So Chris is just a giant asshole. That is what we are learning here.
    • The major taking off point for the argument was when Chris said that when you are in the stage of Fantasy Suites, then you are in the final four….not because you are in love.
      • This had people in a massive RAGE.
    • Logan tried to explain to Chris that he may not “mean” to be a dick, but he is being one.
      • Chris is just a jerk Logan. I appreciate you, but this time he is just a jerk face.
    • Chris’ big thing is that he won’t accept a woman who sleeps with multiple men at fantasy suites.
      • Bro, for someone who knows about fantasy suites, I don’t think you watched last season at all.
    • This just cemented the fact that we have a villain and his name is Chris.
NATE & GABBY One-On-One Date
  • Rachel giving Gabbby advice before this one-on-one date was not what I would want if I was Gabby. Rachel just straight up did not have a good time!
  • Nate gets to the GORGEOUS winery house and BOOM, Gabby brings her into the kitchen where Rachel is. BOOM. IT IS AN AMBUSH. This is a classic tactic of how they interact.
    • Nate handles it well with a really bad description of their house. They can tell he is nervous. That is endearing.
  • Nate and Gabby getting their first kiss out of the way before the HELICOPTER COMES AND TAKES THEM AWAY FROM THEIR PLACE!
    • What is this place they are staying and how much does it cost. Good lord.
  • This helicopter date was a lot like Rachel’s with Clayton and Rachel’s near the finale last season on The Bachelor.
    • Not nearly as good as a view…comparing volcanic structures to skyscrapers.
  • The helicopter lands and BOOM, there is a hot tub. First one of the season. Shocked there is not one at the house of Gabby and Rachel.
    • Zero shot that Gabby was wearing that blue bathing suit underneath her outfit. They did the whole change, put on layers, then undress.
  • Can we walk about how good Gabby looks. What a glow up. Holy lord. Mama Mia.
  • Nate and Gabby and fruit in their champagne which I have never done but I think that is really classy and I like it.
  • RANDOM THOUGHT ALERT
    • Remember the date the Kit and Matt James had in the kitchen making food? That was a fucking great date. That was a real life date.
      • Also, Kit and Anya Taylor-Joy related? I kinda see it.
  • We get to the dinner portion.
    • How is Gabby’s dress staying up? It looks like it is made of tissue paper and her boobs are going to fall out.
      • Emma says no underwear with that dress. Is this true? Too many lines?
    • Nate describing that he is a girl dad and how much he loves his daughter was touching as fuck.
      • A very fair question is to ask about the mom of the child right? I feel like that is totally justified.
    • The really laughing his daughter rings true with Gabby because of her close relationship with her father and grandfather
    • Gabby has this very real moment where she says she is scared to be a mom. Isn’t everyone though? No one is really for it and you just need to take the plunge.
    • Nate scores brownie points with the spontaneous dancing in the middle of an open room. Always a winner.
      • SEE, WE DON’T NEED NO CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED BAND
  • Nate gets the rose. It is obvious and well deserved.
COCKTAIL PARTY
  • Holy smokes Rachel looks phenomenal. This is the best she has looked this entire season. Without a doubt.
    • Gabby also looks good, but Rachel is blowing her out of the water.
  • Jacob is not in a good suit
  • Meatball is pulling off he pink well
  • Tyler looks even young then he has already
  • OH, MARIO EXISTS
    • He got the first impression rose so this is the producers reminding us he exists
  • Rachel didn’t feel like the Bachelorette until right now when all the guys were kissing and fawning over her.
    • What part of your one-on-one was not a TV show?
      • The crazy car? The zero gravity ride? The cameras? The fancy venue? The producer to vent to? CONFUSED RACHEL
  • Tyler has a smooth move with Rachel with a basketball line and something scoring. Emma like it. She made an audible comment.
  • ALRIGHT, DRAMA TIME.
    • Quincey, with the aid of Jordan H. (and a tiny bit of a showing from Hayden) pulls Rachel aside and tells her about what Chris said about the fantasy suites.
      • Rachel is obviously upset.
      • This is where you can read my rant at the top about how hypocritical this is. But I digress, it is TV.
    • Rachel pulls Gabby aside and they talk about it.
      • Has Chris not meant any of them?
        • NOPE! HE HAS NOT. This is hilarious. “Nice To Finally Meet You.”
    • Rachel and Gabby are questioning Chris and it is getting tense.
      • Gabby has facial reactions throughout this whole process that are priceless. People are comparing her to Justin of Katie’s season and I am all for it.
    • Chris has the argument that he likes to look at his relationships from backwards to start in terms of his ideal relationship.
      • Listen, it may not be the norm, but this argument threw me for a loop for a moment. He bought a little bit of time with me here.
        • Chris is a slimy bastard.
    • Ah, Chris is back to be a prick. The way he says “females” irks me. It really irks Emma.
    • Gabby kicks Chris out and Rachel concurs.
      • This is how I would expect it to happen.
    • CHRIS COMES BACK. HE LEAVES AND DOES A LOOP
      • Chris tries holding court to all the guys. Trying to bring together Prince, Hayden and Justin to talk about what they discussed about.
        • Gabby and Rachel are NOT having it. Not at all. They make sure he goes away.
          • I guess walking out now involves literally seeing them into the car and watching them drive away and then standing watch for 10 minutes?
    • So many of the men didn’t get to talk to Gabby or Rachel because of this drama
    • We are down another villain. Who is going to carry the mantel into next episode?
ROSE CEREMONY
  • Important thing to note is that these roses are given on behalf of both women. They have agreed on who to kick out and who to keep.
  • At the end of this rose ceremony, there are 21 men remaining.
  • To these men, we say goodbye
    • Matt – knew nothing about him
    • Ryan – Upset the Boston accent is gone, but in deleting him from this blog I realized he was 36 years old
    • John – Curtains.
    • Colin – the nerd one. The least conventionally attractive. Not surprised he is gone
    • Brandan – the most surprised I was at an elimination
    • Justin B. – meh, won’t know they are gone
    • Chris – good riddance
    • Jordan V. – deserved better

POWER RANKINGS

Well, I was a man of peaks with my rankings last week. I had Chris ranked No. 29, and I was completely right. I also had Jordan V. as number one, and he is not there anymore. I don’t agree with Rachel sending him home. I have already spoken no how I thought Rachel over thought the entire process. I also guessed well with Nate being a top contender based off his one-on-one.

Now that we know the guys a bit more, and we have some more eliminations, let’s dive into these power rankings with a little bit more certainty and consistency.


No. 21

TERMAYNE (CRYPTO GUY – NAPERVILLE, IL – 28)
Have we heard him speak or do anything yet at all?

No. 20

JAMES (MEATBALL ENTHUSIAST – WINNETKA, IL – 25)
DO SOMETHING BESIDES MEATBALLS!

No. 19

MICHAEL (PHARMACEUTICAL SALESMAN – LONG BEACH, CA – 32)
Shocked that her survived. Don’t think we have heard and seen him do anything important at all yet through two episodes? He is ranked higher than James because at least he has mystique.

No. 18

SPENCER (VENTURE CAPITALST – CHICAGO, IL – 27)
Took a fall this year. He is comparing his connection with Gabby’s to others. Not a good look for his future. Also just watched WeWork so I am hazy on venture capitalists.

No. 17

JASON (INVESTMENT BANKER – SANTA MONICA, CA – 30)
He is cute. He is there for Rachel. But we haven’t seen Gabby talk glowingly about him. That is all we got.

No. 16

KIRK (COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH – LUCCOCK, TX – 29)
Shocked that he has lasted this long. Shocked. has a coach ever lasted this wrong?

No. 15

Alec (Wedding Photographer – Houston, TX – 27)
His introduction was terrible. I didn’t like his suit. It was all a miss for me. This is the last guy that I have from feelings about that I remember.

No. 14

ETHAN (ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE – NEW YORK, NY – 27)
He was a later survivor. Maybe it is the New York aesthetic that is appealing? This is me calling my shot, but Ethan has happy go lucky I am going to stick around vibes.

No. 13

MARIO (PERSONAL TRAINER – NAPERVILLE, IL – 31)
He got the first impression rose but then we didn’t hear about him at all till the final 10 minutes. A nervous nelly. Will he implode?

No. 12

JORDAN H. (SOFTWARE DEVELOPER – TAMPA, FL – 25)
He was there with Quincey leading the charge against Chris.

No. 11

TYLER (SMALL BUSINESS OWNER – WILDWOOD, NJ – 25)
So, so young. Good shot from behind the background of him and Rachel shooting. Riser this week.

No. 10

QUINCEY (LIFE COACH – MIAMI, FL – 25)
The obligatory union leader of this season? I thought it would be the Bostonian, but I am wrong. But a life coach that doesn’t appear to be a dick? Spoke up respectfully and consulted the group.

No. 9

HAYDEN (LEISURE EXECUTIVE – TAMPA, FL – 29)
Hayden is a listener. That is what I have learned about him.

No. 8

JOHNNY (REALTOR – PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL – 25)
He was safe with the group date rose. He did have a good week. He is very laid back which is nice for Gabby and Rachel.

No. 7

ZACH (TECH EXECUTIVE – ANAHEIM HILLS, CA – 25)
Emma things he is really hot. Looks like he gets a one-on-one next week?

No. 6

TINO (GENERAL CONTRACTOR – PLAYA DEL REY, CA – 27)
The only thing I got from Tino in this episode was his stare at the end during the final toast. But have to respect him having strongest week one.

No. 5

Aven (Sales Executitve – San Diego, CA – 28)
He has something that we haven’t seen. No words in the pageant or the following cocktail party but he was one of first called in rose ceremony. I think they are hiding him in the edit.

No. 4

Erich (Real Estate Analyst – Bedminster, NJ – 29)
Erich was cozy and comfy with Gabby on the floor. Not much else from him this episode. He is just a hunk.

No. 3

Logan (Videographer – San Diego, CA – 26)
Very, very easy to talk to. He is charismatic. Scared he may be playing both sides.

No. 2

Jacob (Mortage Broker – Scottsdale, AZ – 27)
He just continues to show that he has layers. Loved his reaction to Jordan V.’s suitcase being taken away.

No. 1

Nate (Electrical Engineer – Chicago, IL – 33)
Fantastic one-on-one date. Universal approval rating now. Loving dad and seems very fun. Very hard to find anything bad about her.

Episode One Reaction & Power Rankings (7/12/22)
Episode Two Reaction & Power Rankings (7/19/22)


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