THE VELOCIPASTOR
Director: Brandon Steere
Writers: Brandon Steere

Stars: Greg Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Aurelio Voltaire, Daniel Steere
Release Date: April 13, 2019

The VelociPastor is a test of whether or not you like B-movies. Not bad movies that are attempting to be good, but movies that are meant to be absurd, cheap and over-the-top.

I, for one, am not a huge fan of these movies. I understand their purpose, and I understand why they are a thing in the world. However, even with the caveats of knowing it was supposed to be bad to begin with, can not in good conscious recommend The VelociPastor.

This movie is written and directed by Brendan Steere, and stars Greg Cohan as Doug Jones…the VelociPastor.

The start of movie has Jones experience a traumatizing event, after which he needs to travel to the woods of china to rediscover himself and his faith in religion. After an encounter in the forest (which really looks like a trail here in New Rochelle), Jones inherits a special ability…to turn into a deadly velociraptor. Upon returning to the stats, Jones pairs up with Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), and the two have a romantic relationship and partnership in crime. The duo takes on bad guys, and a lot of ninjas before the film’s conclusion.

The VelociPastor is insane. The tagline is “A Man Of The Claw” for Christ’s sake. There is a major skill in making a movie like this and having enough redeeming qualities and scenes, for credit to Steere for meshing this together. This type of movie is a throwback, with a few laughs mixed in. The best character in the movie is Father Stewart, who is played by Brendan’s father, Daniele. Every scene he is in are recommendable, in particular the flashback Vietnam scene.

Personally, I gave this movie a harsh grade. It’s probably way to harsh and I am a major snob for it. In fact, I know I am. But I cannot recommend this movie to anyone UNLESS I know they are going to take it for what it is. Or, watch The VelociPastor when you are stoned or drunk. That will make it SO much more enjoyable.

The VelociPastor is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

STANKO RATING: F (0.5/5 Stars)

“The VelociPastor” IMDB
“The VelociPastor” Rotten Tomatoes

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