HELLO THERE, ZACH

Here we are. We are back. How excited am I for The Bachelor? If I am in the trust tree, I am honest enough to admit I was excited purely to judge and hate again…and Zach was at the bottom of the list in terms of aspects I was looking forward too. However, I am also honest enough to say that after this first episode, I warmed up to Zach quite a bit. It was nice to see him drunk and flirtatious. He was making out with a lot of folks in week one. He was getting out there and living his best life, and the majority of the girls seemed to be eating it up as well.

Zach is a boring TV character, and that means that he is a normal guy. He responded awkwardly and adorably to some of the prompts, but he also was a good sport on the weird ones as well. Don’t know if this is actually true, but it seemed like Zach genuinely gave every girl the benefit of the doubt walking out of the limo.

Also, Zach is a boobs guy. I didn’t need to notice this. Emma pointed it out to me when we were watching together. Rachel has a large chest, and Zach was head over heels for her. It would appear that is what he likes, and the cast of characters the producers put together suit his eye very well. There were a couple girls that he was blatantly ogling over.

Zach, for one week, you have won me over. Can you continue doing so? Time, and love, will tell.

SEAN LOWE

There was absolutely zero chemistry between these two. We had to dive back a decade to get someone to give advice to Zach? Why not just a friend of Zach’s from Gabby/Rachel season that can talk through the issues rather than disposing very generic advice?

Sean’s biggest piece of advice is don’t look for someone who you deem as “your type.” This is solid advice.

But that bit of good news was immediately negated by this training shower scene. Gross. Don’t like it.

LIMO WALKOUTS…STARTING LINEUP

  • Jess is the first one to walk out of the Limo…and she is covered with a FUCK TON of glitter. I was curious if they would do the hug…and they did. She has now marked her territory.
  • Ariel really went through some shit with her dress ripping and all of those things. Though if I recall correctly…her dress was not very pretty.
  • Davia comes out with the booze, but all I can look at is her eyes. But Zach I think appreciated the stress reliever. She also did a good job at opening the champagne.
  • I don’t remember much about Charity at all, but she said her name means love, which I am not going to look up and I am just going to take her word for it.
  • Gabi, from Vermont, brought maple syrup…and it did not go great. Yikes. Zach did not like. The thing is…if it is real maple syrup, I get it, because that is not as sugary as one would think.
  • Greer shows up with her boobs all the way out. Emma pointed out they were lopsided. They were. Her intro video was all type of cringe funny. I find Greer very attractive, so I was a bit disappointed with how childish she seemed.
  • Viktoria for Austria showed up, and I just started singing songs from The Sound Of Music.
  • Madison teaches Zach the word “uff da” which is something no North Dakotian…it hurts.
  • Aly…I have nothing on you at all.
  • Anastasia has the name of a Disney princess and looks to carry herself that way. She is 30 years old and carries herself with a lot of purpose, it seems.
  • Cat needs to leave and go back to New York. Get out. I don’t like you Cat. You are crazy. I don’t remember you from The Final Rose, and I guess that was for a reason. You are crazy. CRAZY.
  • Brooklyn, the rodeo girl, had a very strong intro. I didn’t but the Rodeo job when reading the bios, but she means it. She is for real. If she gets a one-on-one date with awkward horse rides, then she is going to knock it out of the park.
  • Bailey…Bailey…Bailey…That is all Zach was thinking when he say her walk out of the limo. After forgetting her name on live TV, Zach made up for it by KISSING HER ON THE LIPS??? Well that is a way to give her a leg up in the premiere after making her feel embarrassed in the season of The Bachelorette‘s finale.
  • Kaity has to follow up Bailey and does so by telling Zach that he has a large dick. This is the third time I have had to type out of the word dick in about 10 minutes. I was just writing about the five animated short films for the 95th Academy Awards, and if you know, you know.
  • Another nurse gathers in the ranks when Genevie. Her dress was sequin, but a very unique pink, lavender color.
  • Katherine may have had the worst intro of them all with the SPF thing. This may just be bias for me because I don’t like sun tan lotion, whether it be applying to myself or applying to someone else.
  • Vanessa is 23 years old and from Louisiana…and she did not hide it with her Mardi Gras solo entrance.
  • Kimberly is another 30 year old who came in with a rhyme. I don’t remember it and she was not really memorable.
  • Olivia came to meet Zach with two pennies that she found in her suitcase. This is both kinda desperate but kinda cute; it makes me believe she did actually just find them but she wanted to not be the only one without a gift.
  • Victoria J. had a FANTASTIC idea. Fantastic. She had a list of compliments and cues for Zach to read, and she was really funny about it. Zach also likes it and plays with it well. Sure, this can come off as controlling, but I I really did enjoy this a lot.
  • Kylee used a bullhorn to try and get Zach’s attention and instead had everyone reaching for earbuds.
  • Lekha (however you pronounce the name) licks Zach ear and that is gross and I don’t like it and I will not be rooting for her. She wants to have his hear, AKA his attention, but that is not his way to do it.
  • Holland did have a good connection with the fact that Zach went on a date to Holland, then she makes a little sex joke about not being in the right Holland…okay that is spicy and it had me flustered on the couch.
  • Mercedes brought a baby pig, and Emma thought it was really cute. I still don’t know what job she has because she is a non-profit owner but she also said she was a pig farmer.
  • Christina Mandrell comes off the party bus with both her first and last name and draws a connection to her famous mother’s past. My thing is…why does that matter? We have Zach who has a family member who was Kronk. But it has to be said. Christina’s dress was very flattering to her chest.
  • The next four introductions barely got any time. The editing team had a deadline to meet.
    • Becca – Didn’t make impression
    • Cara – Didn’t remember a thing
    • Olivia L. – Hopefully these three get more screentime.
  • Brianna comes out last as the rose-winner from the audience poll at The Final Rose. She is supposedly carrying the rose from that night that was filmed in September…Are we really supposed to believe that? I don’t. her dress is made of roses which is a confident and nice touch. She looks really good in it too.

THE “GET TO KNOW YOU” SPRINT

  • So now we have entered the home, and all the girls get the scream and woo at Zach. He introduces himself as somehow who loves “family, football and frozen pizza.” That line may have been a little forced, but regardless, he is still trying to make himself more approachable.
  • Kaity is one of the first women who gets to speak with Zach, and she makes the most out of her time. She is giving him the “oh you are really cute” eyes. They talk, but then they really kiss. That is what happens. Second kiss of the night goes to Kaity.
  • Christina takes Zach onto her party bus and plays a little card game of preferences (For the record, I am on mountains over beaches, and I am dinosaurs over dragons). The last card is if he wants to kiss her, and that answer is obviously a yes. Then the party bus is overrun by people and it becomes a mini dance floor.
    • This is where I am all out. I can not do that anymore. That scene gave me nightmares. Now Vanessa seemed to be all about it, same with Madison, but I most connected with the women who were outside of the bus watching it shake when the show went to commercial break.
  • After this party bus, where Zach was being fed champagne from the bottle, he goes and eats meatballs with Cat. I really did not like this. Cat does scare the shit out of me, and her zaniness is over-the-top. I don’t need to know how many meatballs fit in mouth.
  • To save Zach from Kat, Brianna pulls Zach aside and asks Zach to talk about Zach. I wish the conversation was a bit smoother, but it was not a catastrophe.
  • Whoever told Jesse Palmer to go back to ESPN is just rude. Jesse played it off well and then pike fun at it on Twitter while the show was airing. But that was just an unnecessary shot across the bow.
  • Genevie has Zach change a diaper. This move would scare the shit out of me and would scare me away. It makes sense for Genevie with her occupation as a neonatal nurse, but still pretty upfront.
  • Greer. Here comes Greer. The energy bug comes in and tells Zach that her end goal is to live in Austin, TX, and that has been her dream for a while and not just because Zach is the Bachelor. Whether or not you choose to believe it…well that is up to you. Zach loved it though. He had his hand on her thigh, and Greer was holding his hand and pressing it up against her. They make out, and they make out hard. The young Greeg coming in and swooping Zach’s attention rightup.
    • They made it a point to show a lot of people watching Greer and Zach hit it off. Madison is one of these women…and that doesn’t go too hot.
  • Madison annoyed the fuck out me this episode. This is a spoiler for later, I guess, but thank god she does home. Madison goes and talks to Zach initially and the conversation is definitely a bit boring and dull. There is a hug at the end that is all. And then she goes back again to Zach, interrupting conversations, and forces him to do a very awkward Griddy dance. At the end of this, Madison, and Zach kiss…and it is a not a good kiss. It is a peck. A simple peck. Madison is not enthused, and Zach makes the face of a child who just tried sour patch kids for the first time.
    • Cue the tears. Madison is going to cry. A lot. She is annoyed at it being so embarrassing…girl you did this too yourself! You took the extra steps to try and make a mark, but instead of a clean wax shield you just spilled it all over the table.
  • Charity brings the vibes back up with a nice talk with Zach and they smooch as well. Zach likes to ask the women if he can kiss them. He also likes the hand on the thigh. Those are the things I am noticing about his flirting style.
  • Greer gets the first impression rose. Not a total surprise. Some are dissapointed, including Jess who was the last we saw with Zach before he picked up the rose and told Greer he would like to talk.
    • Greer, when she sat down with Zach, knew what was happening right away. She was already giving thanks before Zach even asked her if she would accept the rose.
  • Before we get to the rose ceremony, we have Zach and Jesse talking. Oh, but now we don’t, because Madison interrupted these sacred moments. Madison just wants to know where they stand before the rose ceremony…which seems like cheating because everyone else is waiting for their fate.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

  • Literally nothing exciting happened here during the rose ceremony. It was fairly drama free.
  • Maybe my only note is that Zach was good about saying the names of the women that were being booted off when he was hugging them goodbye.

(MY) POWER RANKINGS

No. 20
Cat

Even if we know her a bit, what we know about her is that she is a class of her own in terms of vibes and craziness at the start. She is a vibe that I am not matching up with.

No. 19
Aly

Aly…I got nothing on you.

No. 18
Mercedes

I am not a pet pig guy so I didn’t think the pig was really cute. Also I just don’t know what she is at all.

No. 17
Ariel

Her dress ripped, but all these women pack dozens (it seems) so hopefully it doesn’t set her back too far.

No. 16
Katherine

I need some aloe that can help avoid the cringe burn I felt with the SPF intro. However, she gets passed that and now gets to see another sunrise at the mansion.

No. 15
Kylee

You shouldn’t need a bullhorn to get someone’s attention.

No. 14
Davia

A bold choice to wear white. Setting up the book cover ending if she gets proposed too.

No. 13
Kimberly

The reason Kimberly is this high is because I think she is pretty. Sorry.

No. 12
Genevie

Would I be scared away if someone asked me to change a diaper on first meeting? Yes. However, I remember Genevie, which says more than some after episode one.

No. 11
Victoria J.

She terrifies me in the best way possible.

No. 10
Anastasia

Anastasia looks like a Disney princess. She can be the fairy tale that Zach has always wanted in his mind.

No. 9
Brooklyn

Was impressed by Brooklyn. I didn’t love that we got more of her in her intro than in the Mansion, but that means she can go far.

No. 8
Charity

I think Charity will rise throughout the season. I think she is a bit more on the “normal” side when it comes to this sort of extrovert activity.

No. 7
Kaity

Kaity has the “fuck me eyes” and Zach is being swallowed into them whole.

No. 6
Gabi

The way Gabi accepted the rose moved her up three spots.

No. 5
Jess

I think there is a reason we saw her first out of the limo, and last before the first rose handout. They are setting her up.

No. 4
Christina

I am not going to be giving her first and last name treatment, but damn she had a great first episode. I was shocked with how much I liked her. That is why she is so high.

No. 3
Bailey

The first kiss for her came right out of the limo. She looked STUNNING in that red dress. Bailey made a booming first impression.

No. 2
Greer

I find Greer really cute, and she got the first impression rose, but I am worried she has a little bit too much high school energy. But I am hopeful.

No. 1
Brianna

Bailey came in safe, but she still made an effort. We like the initiative, we loved the dress, and the humility for the process was refreshing. She had a leg up and she didn’t let up.
ELIMINATED: Becca, Cara, Holland, Lehka, Madison, Olivia L., Olivia M., Sonia, Vanessa, and Viktoria E.

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