Well folks, it’s been a while.

I wish I was coming back with some positivity…BUT HELL TO THE FREAKING NO I AM NOT!

My cousin reviewed The Dark Tower (2017) earlier (check it out here), and despite his skepticism and objection to it, I decided to give it the old college try. My thinking was, “Hey, I’ve read six and a-half of the eight books…I’m nearly done with the series…maybe I can approach with a different perspective.”

Well ladies and gentleman, I am currently typing this while watching The Dark Tower and through the first 15 minutes I AM ALMOST COMPLETELY OUT. Good lord, the entire setup of the world, the character of Jake, and even ROLAND. The titular character, one of my favorite literary characters ever…IS IMMEDIATELLY DISMANTLED TO THE UPTEENTH DEGREE.

In Dark Tower series, Roland is introduced as an unlikeable, anti-personable, and unsympathetic figure. However, IMMEDIATELLY in The Dark Tower, the paint him in a light of empathy. That is just wrong.

HOLLYWOOD, NOT EVERYONE LOVES A GOODY-TOOSHU HERO. GIVE CHARACTERS SOME DEPTH!

I will finish watching this movie purely out of principle…but sweet holy lord is it off to a horrendous start.

[Interlude of processing what I expect to be a horrendous following 70 minutes]

5 Minutes later…

Folks…IT IS STILL A VERY BAD MOVIE…Please stop throwing in random Stephen King references and Easter eggs. I know the worlds in his countless tales intertwine, heck The Dark Tower book series is littered with references to King’s The Strain, but don’t force it down the peoples’ throats.

Back to the shameful grind.

[Interlude of continuation of what I expect to be a dreadful 65 minutes]

10 minutes later…

Guys. I’ll give Matthew McConaughey this; the dude is going full tilt with his evil. I can respect that. But with that being said…what made The Man In Black so enticing in the book was his lack of on-paper presence.

The Man In BLack.jpg

BREAK. ANOTHER STUPID STEPHEN KING REFERENCE. STUPID. JUST COVERNIG UP FOR TERRIBLENESS.

Back to the film’s rendition of The Man In Black. Brevity is key. Fear of an unknown evil can be much more provocative like in the book. When we first meet the sorcerer in Kings’ original novel, it’s at the end of the ex positional story and he delivers one of the best speeches I’ve ever experienced. McConaughey brings energy, but not the character of what could have been.

Also, how the hell does Jake know what a Gunslinger personifies in Midworld? He has been there for just a handclap and he knows the culture of the world? He has had dream and premonitions…not a Matrix-like downloading of encyclopedic knowledge.

Another note for all you readers of this. Jake does not have a love interest in the book. And nor should he in the movie.

Back to my scheduled hatred of this movie.

[Interlude of process what I expect to be a horrendous following 50 minutes]

30 minutes later…

Ladies. Gentleman. I have alarmed my housemates with how much I am yelling at this movie. It is so bad. The Dark Tower is literally the perfect example of a movie stuck in purgatory that eventually just “had” to be made. But by gawd, no one deserved to be put through the hell of the this viewing experience.

As this mind-numbing conclusion ends and the credits roll, I have this statement to say.

To director Nikolaj Arcel, writers Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinker, Anders Thomas Jensen, and the one and only creator Stephen King (who I have no doubt had to sign off on this debacle):

You have forgotten the face of your father.

You best cry for everyone’s pardon because this the most disappointed I have been in a movie since The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014).

Watching The Dark Tower was like going on a horrendous first date and just watching the clock wind down till it was is an appropriate time to leave. The only saving grace of this movie was that it was 90 minutes of disappoint.

GOD I AM PEEVED EVERYONE. LET ME TELL YOU.

STANKO RATING: F+

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