My fiancée’s family sent this clip on Instagram. Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan, who play Pippin and Merry in the Lord Of The Rings films, bring up a fantastic point. All three of Peter Jackson’s masterpieces are rated PG-13, which means you are allotted one big swear word. They pose the fantastic question. Where would you put it? The say in the clip that it is the gift that keeps on giving, and they are absolutely right. It got my mind whirring. What would be the best inserts of “FUCK” in the Lord Of The Rings universe?

Here we go. Fuck it. Let’s do it. Five great lines from each movie we want to throw a curse word into.


“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives FUCKING precisely when he means to.”

Gandalf to Frodo

“A FUCKING Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!”

Gandalf in the Mines of Moria

“They have a FUCKING cave Troll.”

Boromir in the Mines of Moria

“Men? Men are FUCKING weak.”

Elrond to Gandalf

“I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. “Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to. I don’t FUCKING mean to.”

Samwise to Frodo


“He was *twitching* because he’s got my axe embedded in his FUCKING nervous system!”

Gimli competing with Legolas for kills

“Be silent. Keep your FUCKING forked tongue behind your teeth. I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm.”

Gandalf to Grima

“Don’t tell the FUCKING Elf.”

Gimli to Aragor

“The Horn of Helm Hammerhand will sound in the deep, one last FUCKING time!”

Theoden at Helms Deep


Eowyn when Aragorn walks in after being presumed dead


“My friends. You bow to FUCKING no one.”

Aragon to the hobbits

“I am no FUCKING man.

Eowyn to the Witch king

“Well, this is a thing unheard of. An Elf would go underground, where a Dwarf dare not. Oh, I’d never hear the FUCKING end of it.”

Gimli on his way to meet the Army of the Dead

“That’s for Frodo! And for the Shire! *And that’s for my old FUCKING Gaffer!*”

Samwise killing some orcs

“Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we FUCKING waiting for?”

Gimli on one last gasp of hope

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