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Hot Take – Umbrellas Should Be Illegal In New York City
New York City stinks. It is terrible. I work in the city. i commute there at least five days a week, sometimes even more when weekends call for it. The […]
New York City stinks. It is terrible. I work in the city. i commute there at least five days a week, sometimes even more when weekends call for it.
The City is terrible. It is dirty. It smells. Its hot. it is crowded. It’s loud and It is obnoxious.
Can you tell that I don’t like New York City?
You know what makes everything about the Concrete Jungle even worse? Rain. Rain, rain, rain.
When that liquid starts falling from the sky, there is exponential growth to the terribleness. It is basically like little tacks falling the sky and pricking every bit of annoyance that one can feel.
Rain in New York City sticks to every pedestrian walking the street and acts like glue for a bad mood. It is adhesive, making sure that every indignation one can feel sticks to them like an annoying eyelash stuck in your eye.
Now, I can not control the weather. Rain is a part of life. Rain is a necessary thing that needs to happen. Rain can not be changed once it starts.
You know what people can change?
GET RID OF YOUR FUCKING UMBRELLAS!
I loath umbrellas in New York City. Loath them I tell you. I hate them. What other words can I possibly say? Detest, disdain, abhor, disgust, dislike and resent. Everything about popping up the stupid plastic dome shaped cylinders to protect one from the rain in the streets of New York City makes me want to run away and become a puddle amongst the wetness of the distant sidewalks.
When people walk with umbrellas in the streets, they have no sense of spacial awareness. They open them with reckless abandon not caring about the people around them. People shake off the umbrellas trying to lighten their carrying load and decide that it is suddenly okay be like a dog and just rid yourself of some moisture.
The sidewalks are already crowded enough in New York City, and the umbrellas just take up more space. The City is already crowded enough so why are we crowding the streets more with more wet things? Like how often underneath an umbrella in New York City do you actually stay 100% dry? It is impossible. You have fucking trucks and buses going down the streets and splashing entire sidewalks where people be walking.
WHERE I BE WALKING.
Oh, and do we need to mention the subways in New York city in the rain? They are essentially just large plumbing pipes for dirty grey water. The subways flooding is vile to see and release a stench that would have been categorized as a biological weapon in medieval times.
People with their umbrellas are walking to-and-from from the subways to the sidewalks, and they are just opening up their umbrellas like it is a bouquet of flowers. The people on the stairs open up not giving a damn. You know what, it makes me happy when people have the wind blow their umbrella all up in a tizzy when they emerge from the caves of NYC.
Now what is the solution? I have no idea. I am not going to pretend to have all the answers. This is a venting session. But here is the quick thing: How about you just wear a rain jacket, hurry the fuck up, and get to your destination as fast as possible?
Move faster. Hustle. Get to your destination without trying to float away like Mary Poppins.
Make umbrellas illegal in New York City.
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