Stanko's Stance

Here we go. It is that time again!

The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, July 11th on ABC. It is a duel season with Gabby and Rachel. And these are the guys who will be fighting for their hearts.

Alec (Wedding Photographer – Houston, TX – 27)

• Don’t like Alec’s hair, nor his shirt.
• His profession gives him a leg up on the makeshift wedding day date if he gets on it.
• Alec admits that he loves to be the center of attention, which means I do not like him. He is going to be a problem. How are you a photographer at a wedding which is someone else’s big day?
• Nothing makes him happier than a fresh haircut? That is my worst nightmare. Don’t like that at all.

Aven (Sales Executitve – San Diego, CA – 28)

• Aven has a cute dorky look.
• I do like that Aven’s love language seems to be quality time.
• I get needy vibes from Aven. He is passionate…but he may be over so.
• Well, Gabby or Rachel may want him to eat out more than once a week…hehehehe
• How the fuck can you be a Yahtzee champion. Is he ready to roll the dice on love?

BRandan (Bartender – Carlsbad, CA – 23)

• The first thing I saw of Brandon’s profile is that he goes to Disneyland every year for his birthday. That is negative points. Big-time negative points.
• What sports did Brandan play? Basketball? Where did he play? I want details.
• In all the bios I have read thus far, there have been three adjectives that the guys describe their ideal woman as.
• I basketball player who likes the batting cages. Multi-sport.
• I think woman are going to think Brandan is attractive.

Chris (Mentality Coach – Redondo Beach, CA- 30)

• Okay. Huge forehead. Let’s get it out there.
• Mentality coach. Is that the same of life coach? Are we going to get another Karl? That would make me unhappy.
• His bio really seems a bit self centered. She should support Chris as he chases after his dreams…of and she can chase hims too.
• CHRIS IS HIS OWN FAVORITE AUTHOR? Oh lord I had him.
• Oh, and he doesn’t choose fear?
• I FUCKING HATE CHRIS.

Colin (Sales Director – Chicago, IL – 36)

• An older guy.
• I like the three adjectives that Colin chose: self-aware, courteous and fun.
• For Colin being hold, we don’t get any mention of kids. That is a bit of a surprise.
• Oh lord they mention breakdancing in his bio. That means we might see it.
• I get the sense Colin is not one to take his own out to experience events, and I appreciate that.

Erich (Real Estate Analyst – Bedminster, NJ – 29)

• I can not tell if Erich has short hair or if he is balding. Also, who the hell spells it like Erich.
• I do like quiet confidence more than obtrusive confidence.
• Okay, if you are saying you don’t have a type, but then always fall for a type, then you have a type. How tall is he if he falls for taller women?
• I think I like Erich with the way he is describing himself in his bio.
• It’s weird he has to point out that he likes both red and white wine, no? isn’t that most people?

Ethan (Advertising Executive – New York, NY – 27)

• Massive crows feet on this guy. But also has massive dimples
• He seems like a simple man. Board games, ideal brunch breakfast and a popular show to wind down.
• Who the fucked like going out around 4 AM in NYC?? That is my worst nightmare.
• A believer in signs or well-time coincidences…so he believes in fate and destiny.
• Ethan is either going home the first night, or he is lasting a really long time.

Hayden (Leisure Executive – Tampa, FL – 29)

• Leisure executive? Does that mean he is good at leisuring or he has leisure wardrobe qualifications.
• What is his accent?? Oh, now I see it. Southern Roots.
• Loves golf and the grill. So he is good at just being lazy.
• BOOOOO he loves dogs…BUT the dogs name is RAMBO! I do love that dog name. What type of dog?
• I do love Hot tubs. But I HATE the idea of going to a music festival and a big one like Stagecoach.

Jacob (Mortage Broker – Scottsdale, AZ – 27)

• Uhh…Noah Syndergaard? Aren’t you supposed to be pitching for the Los Angeles Angels?
• Jacob being picky. Did he know the contestants before he agreed to go on the show?
• So Jacob wants a hot wife. He is superficial. I bet he exercises a lot. Oh. He does. As I keep reading.
• A muscle man in the hot Arizona sun who doesn’t eat cake and reads 30 to 40 books a years.
• He does not seem like catch.

James (Meatball Enthusiast – Winnetka, IL – 25)

• This dude is a bar after leaving the finance office. Stays out too late. Has the slimy oily hair, cleans out his white powder from his desk Friday morning and still some somehow thrives.
• A fucking meatball enthusiast? Are you serious?
• Another big Italian family. There are a bunch.
• SIX KIDS?? How is he going to afford that with a job of a Meatball Enthusiast??
• He is a huge Lebron James fan. I do not like James.

Jason (Investment Banker – Santa Monica, CA – 30)

• Jason as an attainably hot fellow. Nothing too too crazy.
• Having the quiet presence is something that I can really get behind.
• I don’t surf or dance, but I do like tennis.
• Authenticity is a good way to describe someone. Don’t want someone pretending.
• Jason’s favorite past time is star gazing? That is weird.
• Missing opportunity for “Good Vibes Only” when it could have been “Positive Vibes Only”

Joey (Twin – Brookfield, CT – 24)

• A more attractive version of Pete Davidson?
• So he is a twin. And that is his job. What makes this disappointing is that he is a local boy. He is from Brookfield, CT.
• He is far too young. He unwinds by going to the clubs. That is most stressful than working. Joey and I would not be friends.
• He says that is a good hugger. I guess that is a good one.
• Fuck. I hate that nothing makes Joey happier than winning. He is competitive. FUCK he also can live of burgers.

John (English Teacher – Nashville, TN – 26)

• This is my girlfriend’s type. Hands down.
• Comes off as shy at first…but then opens up. That is my type of guy.
• Okay, John. That is weird. Putting a suit on to go to the grocery store??
• Why would you want to be the face a big clothing brand? That is a no from me, dude.

JOhnny (Realtor – Palm Beach Gardens, FL – 25)

• Before even looking at his bio, this man has too much confidence and is a little smug on himself. He has the vibe and the quirk. He is attractive, but the knows it.
• Another Italian man. So many Italians.
• Looking for a women athletic. That is a nice thing, but don’t let it be the only thing.
• Can’t be with someone how is hung up on past relationships. That seems like that might be his own problem.
  • Also feeds into the fact that it is all about him. All the time. And he knows it is.
• Corny jokes are a good thing.

Jordan H. (Software Developer – Tampa, FL – 25)

• Jordan H. has a doofy face. That is not a bad thing.
• An adrenaline junky. Never got into it.
• At least this bio pokes fun and plays the game with the being here for the right reasons.
• How many kids does he want? Why do so many people want so many kids?
• I respect the Florida hate and love. Love the place but hate the drivers.

Jordan V. (Drag Racer – Alpharetta, GA – 27)

• Drag Racer. Is that a hobby or a real career? We need to do the research.
  • How much are they going to do the “Pedal” pun with Jordan’s racing life style?
• I really like the color of the shirt he is wearing.
• James Bond movies. That is nice. I Enjoy that.
• I like Jordan. He is self-aware (comedically) I think about his old style and haircut. He is sentimental with the hand written notes. This is not a bad start for Jordan in my book.
• There were so many puns in his bio.

Justin B. (Physical Therapist – Solana Beach, CA – 32)

• One of the older guys in the crew. I think he would look better if he had some salt and pepper hair.
• He is a lover and not a fighter. Which means he is going to be put in some boxing date.
• An optimistic guy. That is either really good to have or really annoying. The latter if you are watching sports. Always expect the least!
• Honest question, what does Jasmin smell like?
• And we have a bunch of negative points; I do NOT wait to travel the U.S. in a van. That is not for everyone.

Justin Y. (Other Twin – Brookfield, CT – 24)

• How did we decide which twin is “Twin” and “Other Twin”
• These twins fucking suck.
• He is not only the other brother, but he is also a name that needs a last letter initial. That is tough.
• It is good that he likes the idea of opening up. That is important.
• HE LIKES THE LAKERS. BOOOOOOO.
• This made me feel old. If he wanted to live in another decade, it would be in the early 90s.

Kirk (College Football Coach – Luccock, TX – 29)

• Kirk is a religious man and proud of it. See by his necklace.
• Texas Tech is in Lubbock, TX. Is that who he is an assistant coach for?
• Kirk, let me tell you. Not everyone is good to live in the college athletic schedule.
• God all of the Sports puns are terrible. Don’t enjoy this.
• I do not think Kirk is going to go far.
• Hey! Loving golf and not being good at it! That is very relatable!

Logan (Videographer – San Diego, CA – 26)

• A videographer! One of us!
• Being witty, self-aware and goofy is a good thing!
• Interesting he chose artsy for his ideal woman. I do like the low maintenance bit.
• Life on crush on Elaine is funny. Good fun fact.
• Isn’t afraid to skinny dip. That is a bit of foreshadowing.

Mario (Personal TRainer – Naperville, IL – 31)

• Good smile from Mario. I say this before even reading the first line of his bio which mentioned his smile.
• I like that. He has done the self-work and is now ready to be vulnerable. Gotta know yourself before you open yourself up.
• So he is a basketball fan. Wants to raise little basketball players.
• I do like that fitness is important to life. How many shirtless scenes from Mario?
• A Tetris superstar. Interesting thing. That is actually a fun fact.

Matt (Shipping Executive – San Diego, CA – 25)

• Why is his job not small business owner when it is for other Bachelorette contestants?
• He is built an empire?? How successful is his shop??
• Pet Betta fish. Does that mean Matt is the alpha?
• Sweet think about buying her mom a house.
• Why do I think this bio was a little skimpier than others?

Michael (PHARMACEUTICAL SALESMAN – Long Beach, CA – 32)

• Michael looks older than his age. Sorry. It is true.
• I do like the way he describes himself here: “He does not consider himself a conventional romantic and leads with logic over emotion, but his biggest ally when it comes to love is his own intuition, “when you know, you know.”
  • Logic is good and it is not used enough.
• Always good to have parents love you.
• Don’t love Harry Potter so negative points there.

Nate (Electrical Engineer – Chicago, IL – 33)

• The last contestant named “Nayte” just had a break up with Michelle. Not a good omen?
• Nate does seem like a charmer. I also like how they described him as hard working. Not an often thing I read.
• Planning picnics is a cute idea. Should incorporate into life. Just without the cheese. You know, can’t do the cheese.
• Favorite movie is “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days will score some brownie points.
• I don’t like mosh pits either Nate. Good work there.

Quincey (Life Coach – Miami, FL – 25)

• Enough with the life coaches already!
• This is another life coach exactly from where Karl was from. Why are we repeating this?
• I bet the uplifting people around him is a farce.
• Admitting you are a bad texter is the right way to go.

ROby (Magician – Los Angeles, CA – 33)

• Roby is cute! But he is a MAGICIAN?? Is he going to have the most cringe entrance?
• I want to know he became a magician. That doesn’t seem normal.
• He has traveled the globe? He speaks French. Interesting.
• Okay. despite the really weird job. I like Roby. He wants to live in a house with secret tunnels which is awesome. He is fluent in French which is awesome.

RYan (Investment DIrector – Boston, MA – 36)

• Ryan is an older fellow. He kinda looks like Jesse Palmer.
• If you are a hopeless romantic then how and why are you on this show?
• Ryan is referencing Nicholas Sparks. Does he now know that Sparks is not a great guy?
• God A Walk To Remember (2002) is not a good movie.
• I really wanted to like you Ryan, being from Boston and all.
• What are you when you are a Botox enthusiast

Spencer (Venture Capitalst – Chicago, IL – 27)

• Just looking at Spencer, he seems like a good guy. I don’t want any villainy from him.
• He is a “man of service”? What does that mean?
• I like the active, outdoorsy and adventurous type in a girl.
• I like that he is not the “let’s grab a drink” type of guy. Neither am I.
• Oh he is a Detroit Lions fan? This guy knows heartbreak. He will be totally fine.
• YES. AN ANTI-EDM GUY.
• I like Spencer a lot.

Termayne (Crypto Guy – Naperville, IL – 28)

• STRONG JAW LINE on this guy. Also unique name
• His job is Crypto guy. So is he unemployed now?
• Termayne liking double dates fits for this season.
• Another entrepreneur type not afraid to speak his mind. That spells trouble.
• Nothing turns him off more than a girl who tacan’t take a joke. Boy, are you just disrespectful.
• So how is he going to say no to someone who says “NFT” but he says crpyto is his thing?
  • It has been raised to my attention that this may be in a positive context. But I took it as negative. I am bamboozled.

Tino (General Contractor – Playa Del Rey, CA – 27)

• Tino is attainably hot. Also love his shirt.
• Another dog lover. Ugh. But I do agree with going-with-the-flow.
• He wants four kids. That is a lot of kids for now a days. Big-time Italian vibes. Lots of those.
• All of his fun facts begin with “Tino”. Does everyone’s do that? AM I just noticing.
• General Contractor sounds like a normal job.

Tyler (Small Business Owner – Wildwood, NJ – 25)

• Tyler is objectively handsome.
• He is a family man. Italian, and mentions big family in his bio. He is a stereotypical New Jersey guy.
• Love the dream goal of visiting every MLB stadium. That is a good goal.
• Tyler and I differ in the multi-tasking. That is where I thrive.
• Tyler being a family guy means he likes to feel the love around him. I think he will struggle not getting attention if he wants it.

Zach (Tech Executive – Anaheim Hills, CA – 25)

• Zach is hot.
• Zach loses points. He has multiple dogs.
• Zach is excited to lay his romance on thick. Phrasing could be better there.
• His love language is gift giving. That is sweet. Will be seeing a lot of those then on the group dates, etc.
• Not liking breakfast or eggs is not the way to go.
• I LOVE THIS REFERENCE: HE IS THE MASTER OF THE “TOP GUN” HIGH-FIVE

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