#11
Rollerball (2002)
“The big thing in 2005 is a violent sport which can have some pretty serious consequences… like dying.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: William Harrison, Larry Ferguson, John Pogue
Cast: Chris Klein, Jean Reno, LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn, Naveen Andrews
Release Date: February 8, 2002
IMDB
Watching Rollerball is a messy situation. Does it make any sense whatsoever? Absolutely not. Is it well made, written, acted, or directed? Nope.
The whole movie seems to be mangled together to include as much bad music and bad action as possible. One doesn’t need to understand the rules of Rollerball to see that the violence inside the arena is as incoherent as anything McTiernan has made.
I’m literally watching Rollerball now. There is a random night vision action sequence that comes from out of nowhere. Like, what is this movie? Oh, and now there is a plane involved that can go offroad? This entire chase looks like absolute trash, and the supposed chemistry between Chris Klein and LL Cool J is as bland as trying to eat the driest sandwich in America.
With all the negativity surrounding Rollerball, what is the movie exactly about?
Jonathan, played by Klein, is a hotshot American who has signed into this rollerball league at the behest of his friend Marcus, played by LL Cool J. They think it’s all glitz and glamour, but they soon learn that promoter Alexi Petrovich (Jean Reno) is an evil man and is set on manipulating the league for his own financial gain. Jonathan and Marcus try to escape the danger, but it comes down to a showdown where survival or revenge are the only two options.
The silver lining in Rollerball is that we get a lot of Paul Heyman at the onset. Yes, that WWE promoter Paul Heyman. He gets to be the American voice perpetuating that violence in the rollerball arena.
Rollerball is an awful movie. It is atrocious, unwatchable, and unpromotable, and it has nothing redeeming about it. It receives the lowest of Stanko Rating and recommendations.
STANKO RATING: F-
#10
The 13th Warrior (1999)
“A man, having fallen in love with the wrong woman, is sent by the sultan himself on a diplomatic mission to a distant land as an ambassador. Stopping at a Viking village port to restock on supplies, he finds himself unwittingly embroiled in a quest to banish a mysterious threat in a distant Viking land.”
Director: John McTiernan, Michael Crichton
Writers: Michael Crichton, William Wisher, Warren Lewis
Cast: Antonio Banderas, Diane Venora, Dennis Storhøi, Vladimir Kulich
Release Date: August 27, 1999
IMDB
Yikes. What happened here? I mean this in the nicest way, but The 13th Warrior is the dumbest movie that John McTiernan has directed. By that, the audience doesn’t need to turn a single brain cell on for the entire cinematic journey. Exposition is dumped quickly and haphazardly, resulting in a movie that revolves around bad-looking action set pieces.
It is rather shocking how bad The 13th Warrior looks. The few shots of the Viking men traveling on the ship are completed with some putrid CGI. Then there are the action sequences, which don’t have nearly the fluidity of amusement that one would expect from a McTiernan adventure.
It should be noted that McTiernan is credited with co-directing The 13th Warrior with author and screenwriter Michael Crichton. This is the lone time in his career he shares credit. According to reports, Crichton took over the directing after the initial test screenings, which were extremely poor. The original cut was supposed to be released in the summer of 1998, so it took over a year of reshoots and re-editing. The late changes are noticeable.
I think McTiernan let go of the reins of The 13th Warrior and quickly shifted focus. In August 1999, two McTiernan releases were released, the first being The Thomas Crowne Affair, which is a far superior movie. It’s as if McTiernan wanted to race to get a better movie into theaters to salvage his name before the swollen The 13th Warrior project made its debut.
STANKO RATING: D-
#9
Medicine Man (1992)
“In the beautiful and dangerous Amazon rainforest, dissimilar people must make their choices between business, science, and love.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Tom Schulman, Sally Robinson
Cast: Sean Connery, Lorraine Bracco, José Wilker
Release Date: February 7, 1992
IMDB
Medicine Man is such a strange movie—the premise, the execution, the idea—all of it. John McTiernan began his Hollywood career with three unassailable films filled with action and tension. With all the power in the world, McTiernan decided it was time to return to the jungle for a romantic comedy-esq medical mystery tinged with environmental concerns. Who’s in?
Sean Connery plays Dr. Robert Campbell, an emotionally damaged yet genius medical hermit who believes he has discovered the cure for cancer in the Amazon rainforest. He is joined by Dr. Rae Crane (Lorraine Bracco), who does not take to Campbell’s outdoorsy methods well.
Medicine Man is as much about Crane and Campbell’s relationship as it is about the potential eradication of cancer. The chemistry of the will-they, won’t-they relationship is strange and, at times, very poor. The sweeping scenery of the Amazon rainforest can’t stop the feeling that these two would be stumped about having a romantic spark.
Speaking of stumps (I know, get segway), the screenplay’s weaving of ecological concerns doesn’t have great roots. It’s hinted at the beginning that there is construction in the rainforest, and after a few cutaways to smoke, the film’s climax makes industrialization the main focus. The road (symbolic of business stomping over natural processes) must pave its path, and Campbell and the company have to do whatever they can to stop it in the name of scientific growth.
STANKO RATING: D
#8
Nomads (1986)
“A French anthropologist specializing in nomadic groups moves to Los Angeles with his wife, and starts following a group of sinister street punks who seem to live and move around in a black van. But they aren’t what they seem.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writer: John McTiernan
Cast: Lesley-Anne Down, Pierce Brosnan, Anna Maria Monticelli, Adam Ant
Release Date: March 7, 1986
IMDB
It’s a strange film, not necessarily a good movie. Yet, somehow, Nomads sticks in your crawl. It’s not because it’s worthy of recommendation or praise, but aspects stick out like leftover Legos on the floor.
Pierce Brosnan (in his first leading role) plays Jean Charles Pommier, a French anthropologist (with an outrageous accent) returning to Los Angeles after traveling the world studying various nomadic groups. Pomier finds himself following a group of mysterious black-clad street roamers, who naturally don’t turn out to be precisely what they seem. From there, Nomads delves into some mind-switching Freaky Friday aesthetics, which helps showcase the supernatural elements of McTiernan’s script.
For the record, this is the only movie that McTiernan wrote and directed. From here on out, he took on other screenplays.
The most intriguing part of watching Nomads is finding the moments of McTiernan-isms that would perpetuate throughout some of his future films. A shot in Nomads is copied with 100 times the effect in Die Hard, and moments like that make watching the more obscure director starters worth it.
STANKO RATING: D
#7
Basic (2003)
“D.E.A. Agent Tom Hardy investigates the disappearance of legendary Army Ranger Drill Sergeant Nathan West and several of his cadets during a training exercise gone severely awry at Fort Clayton.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writer: James Vanderbilt
Cast: John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Connie Nielsen, Tim Daly, Giovanni RIbisi, Brian Van Holt, Taye Diggs, Dash Mihok. Cristián de la Fuente, Roselyn Sanchez, Harry Connick Jr.
Release Date: March 28, 2003
IMDB
It’s nice to see that for a final hurrah, McTiernan stepped up his game and made a movie that is at least interesting. Basic is the final movie of McTiernan’s tumultuous career, and much like the director’s life, the movie has plenty of twists and is shrouded in darkness. Literally, Basic takes place during a hurricane and it never lets up.
McTiernan doesn’t end his career with a traditional action movie. While there are gunshots plenty, the climatic moments of the film are with words. Interrogation is the main weapon of the game. Hardy, played by John Travolta and Osborne, played by Connie Nielsen unfurl a mystery that involves murder, drugs and messy, untrustworthy confessions.
Basic has many flaws, and much of it comes from the screenplay. Names are tossed around with the hype of kids in a ball pit. Flashbacks showing the same sequence in different variations are a framework that works for a time, but eventually, it all looks like the same painting. The script tosses the audience around like a rag doll, which demands your attention but is also very disorienting.
The interesting tidbit about Basic is that it’s written by James Vanderbilt, the man who wrote my favorite David Fincher Zodiac (2007), and blockbusters like Andrew Garfield’s The Amazing Spider-Man adventures. He has also locked into the Scream franchise and penned two massive Netflix view-grabbers in the Murder Mystery. Basic was early in his writing career, and it’s just crazy to think I’ve seen almost everything he has written.
STANKO RATING: D+
#6
Last Action Hero (1993)
“With the help of a magic ticket, a young movie fan is transported into the fictional world of his favorite action movie character.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Zak Penn, Adam Leff, Shane Black, David Arnott
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, F. Murray Abraham, Art Carney, Charles Dance, Ian McKellen, Tom Noonan, Anthony Quinn
Release Date: June 18, 1993
IMDB
While I personally don’t love Last Action Hero as a movie, McTeirnan must have had a fantastic time making it. Bad press and box office success be damned. The movie is an overt homage to the action genre.
Oh wait, it was a disaster from start to finish? Genuinely, it shocked me.
Last Action Hero has all the tropes you’d expect and then some. McTiernan and Schwarzenegger team up for the second time in this happy adventure, emphasizing comedy and satire more than anything else.
The movie centers around Danny Madigan, a tempestuous child with a man crush on the action movie character Jack Slater, portrayed by Schwarzenegger in Madigan’s world’s cinematic universe. The world shifts on its access when Danny is transported into Slater’s world via a magic ticket. Suddenly the kid who loves movies more than reality finds himself in one.
Last Action Hero takes the filmography of Schwarzenegger, Willis, and Stallone and wraps every one-liner it can think of into a snack-bite sushi role. The script is written, heavily inspired, and saved by some reports in part by Shane Black, who starred in Predator and The Hunt For Red October. It’s safe to say he knew McTiernan’s language, which helps make Last Action Hero entertaining, at the very least.
McTiernan’s cinematic creation appears like it’s purposely made a tad sloppy. This elementary school paper mache quality hinders its watchability for me, especially after the precision that made up his first three projects.
STANKO RATING: C
#5
The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)
“A very rich and successful playboy amuses himself by stealing artwork, but may have met his match in a seductive detective.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Alan Trustman, Leslie Dixon, Kurt Wimmer
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Rene Russo, Denis Leary, Ben Gazzara
Release Date: August 6, 1999
IMDB
The Thomas Crown Affair is McTiernan’s first remake, and the movie he chose to make is strange. Thomas Crown, played by Brosnan, is a self-made wealthy man who steals art for fun. Catherine Banning, played by Rene Russo, is an insurance agent working for the money, that is, until she gets caught up in a will-they or won’t-they romance with the possible suspect.
Pierce Brosnan was on his womanizing trend hard in the late 20th century. Goldeneye in 1995 burst him onto the scene with the rich, debonair lifestyle. Sure, Tomorrow Never Dies and The World Was Not Enough were major downturns in quality, but nonetheless the hairy-chest, camera-gazing Irishman gets his work in.
Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair is done a disservice by being pushed into the background in the latter portion of the movie. Russo takes on the lead character quality, and that substitution of perspective never occurs in the 1968 original.
I gotta say, I prefer the original. Give me Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway. They have much better chemistry than Brosnan and Russo. It’s like McTiernan had to admit he couldn’t match their spark when he didn’t recreate the sexiest chess game of all time. One can appreciate McTiernan casting Dunaway as the psychiatrist to Crown in this 1999 version, but the ending and overall vibes of the 1968 caper are one level above.
STANKO RATING: C
#4
Die Hard With A Vengeance (1995)
“John McClane and a Harlem store owner are targeted by German terrorist Simon in New York City, where he plans to rob the Federal Reserve Building.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Jonathan Hensleigh, Roderick Thorp
Cast: Bruce Willis, Jeremy Irons, Samuel L. Jackson
Release Date: May 19, 1995
IMDB
John McTiernan lone sequel project is a damn good one. Following the disappointments of Last Action Hero and Medicine Man, McTiernan needed a win badly, so he latched onto an old hero and brought upon a new upcoming star to propel a city-sprawling screenplay that wasn’t even meant for him into what would become the highest-grossing movie of 1995.
Seems like a dream?
Bruce Willis is back as John McClane, and Samuel L. Jackson saddles up as Zeus for a fantastic buddy movie frilled with action style and fast, hilarious dialogue. Die Hard With A Vengeance does a great job of dropping the audience into a deadly game of Simon Says (the name of the original screenplay) with the devious Simon….GRUBER calling the shots! Jeremy Irons plays the villain, the brother of Alan Rickman’s Hans, and does so with the proper flair. Hans and Simon are indeed family because both want to pull off a seemingly impossible heist. However, Simon’s is even grander in scale, going after the Federal Reserve Building.
One of Die Hard With A Vengeance’s best assets is that it’s a very New York movie. It was filmed in The Big Apple, and McClane and Zeus’s travel throughout the city gives a strong sense of scale and environment. The size of the cat-and-mouse game grows to some preposterous proportions in the third act, but it’s forgivable. The ride McTiernan takes the audience on reminds everyone that he can still direct an excellent action movie.
STANKO RATING: B
#3
The Hunt For Red October (1990)
“In November 1984, the Soviet Union’s best submarine captain violates orders and heads for the U.S. in a new undetectable sub. The American CIA and military must quickly determine: Is he trying to defect or to start a war?”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Tom Clancy, Larry Ferguson, Donald E. Stewart, David Shaber
Cast: Sean Connery, Alec Baldwin, Scott Glenn, Sam Neill, James Earl Jones, Joss Ackland, Richard Jordan, Peter Firth, Tim Curry, Courtney B. Vance, Stellan Skarsgård
Release Date: March 2, 1990
IMDB
Here it is, the end of arguably the greatest trio of debut films ever. The Hunt For Red October is a groundbreaking adaptation of Tom Clancy’s novel. Introducing the world to Jack Ryan, portrayed by Alec Baldwin, the film is remarkably watchable despite being mostly talking and sweaty eye-focused close-ups. It’s a testament to McTiernan and his sense of style that The Hunt For Red October is as watchable as it is.
The cast for this movie also LOADED. Sean Connery plays Marko Ramius, and he’s joined by heavyweights like Scott Glenn, Sam Neill, and James Earl Jones. How about spot appearances from Tim Curry and Stellan Skarsgård for good measure? If you watched The Hunt For Red October now, you’d not only be rewarded with a great time but also plenty of “oh shit, that guy” moments.
While Predator and Die Hard have copious amounts of gunfire to appease the audience, this submarine tale uses the intelligence of its characters to get the crowd going. When Ramius, Ryan, or any of the navy men successfully navigate a difficult situation, it’s the same feeling as Schwarzenegger nabbing the villain before delivering a quippy one-liner.
The Hunt For Red October was nominated for three Academy Awards at the 1991 awards, winning the Oscar for Best Effect, Sound Effects Editing. It is the only movie of McTiernan’s to win an Academy Award and the last to be nominated.
Remember. One ping only.
STANKO RATING: A
#2
Die Hard (1988)
“A New York City police officer tries to save his estranged wife and several others taken hostage by terrorists during a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles.“
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Roderick Thorp, Jeb Stuart, Steven E. de Souza
Cast: Bruce Willis, Bonnie Bedelia, Reginald VelJohnson, Paul Gleason, Alan Rickman
Release Date: July 20, 1988
IMDB
Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother Fucker!!!
Die Hard had some large road bumps in its production, but McTiernan managed to steer this blockbuster 18-wheeler and keep it on track. Bruce Willis was nothing more than a TV Star before his iconic John McClane portrayal. Alan Rickman was known by NO ONE but created one of the all-time villains with Hans Gruber. McTiernan makes these two stars into icons while adjusting the script with the writers to make it more amenable to a larger audience.
The story floating around Die Hard and McTienrnan’s 100% buy-in highlights the importance of John McClane’s character. Jeb Stuart and Steven D. de Souza took Roderick Thorp’s novel and added some flare, including when Argyle picks McClane up from the airport in a limo. Rather than our hero going into the back of the limo, we cut to him shooting the shit sitting next to Argyle in the passenger sheet. When McTiernan read this, he knew the character was on the right track.
Die Hard has everything an action movie lover adores: a charismatic hero, a phenomenal villain, a plot that is simple but with a slight twist, side characters that bring the energy, and explosions and gunfire out of the wazoo.
In Predator, the men appear more like action figures, but Die Hard flips the script, making it a relatable average Joe. The formula that makes this legendary action flick so good has been replicated time in and time out, but rarely do any attempts reach this combustible level.
STANKO RATING: A
#1
Predator (1987)
“A team of commandos on a mission in a Central American jungle find themselves hunted by an extraterrestrial warrior.”
Director: John McTiernan
Writers: Jim Thomas, John Thomas
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Elpidia Carrillo, Bill Duke, Jesse Ventura, Sonny Landham, Richard Chaves, R.G. Armstrong, Shane Black, Kevin Peter Hall
Release Date: June 12, 1987
IMDB
Men. Manly men. It’s the most testosterone-filled movie of all time. The theme song for Two And A Half Men could be retrofitted for Predator because it’s all about the fucking muscular juggernauts that bulge out of the screen.
Arnold Schwarzenegger specifically asked for McTiernan to helm this project after seeing Nomads. Something about the weird psychological mystery tickled the action star’s fancy, and damn if it didn’t pay off.
So many parts of Predator are iconic. The dismount from the helicopter, followed by the Dutch and Dillon handshake, sets the tone. After that, you’ll see Mac making impeccable facial reactions, and Billy epitomizes what fear in the heart of a fearless man feels like. Blain’s gun is gerthier than an average grown human, yet it’s no match for the actual Predator.
Part of what makes Predator work so well is its simplicity. Drop a bunch of seemingly immortal killing machines into a unique environment and watch them deal with an entity no one has ever seen. The camouflage, heat vision, and voice-changing alien test the limits of what cinematic action hero manhood can handle, and it’s only right that the most macho of all the combatants can come out alive.
Predator is one of two McTiernan films that started a franchise, and whether or not you prefer the legacy of McClain or the Yautja is a personal preference. Personally, give me the extra-terrestrial who can survive a bazillion bullets fired into the impenetrable Amazon jungle.
STANKO RATING: A
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