Movies…with a little bit of obscure culture and sports mixed in
This past Friday, August 16th, I had my third CAT scan since being diagnosed in May. These scans tell the doctors how the cancer is progressing. Ideally, the numbers on the chart dwindle, and the images show progress.
I wrote this on Thursday while in the waiting room for Chemo, but I am publishing it today. Yesterday turned out to be a bit of a rough day. I mention below how I wanted to avoid the Oxicodone, but that was unavoidable.
This past Friday, August 16th, I had my third CAT scan since being diagnosed in May. These scans tell the doctors how the cancer is progressing. Ideally, the numbers on the chart dwindle, and the images show progress.
Unfortunately, you don’t get the test results right away. You must wait a few days for the doctor’s report.
Mark it down. Sunday, August 18th, was the first time I cracked under the mental pressure of checking the reports. Up until then, per an agreement between Emma, me, and our psyches, we would not open the reports and instead wait until the corresponding doctor’s appointment to learn what’s new.
I broke that rule. On the morning of the 18th, I knew it was a mixed-back report. Well, I knew to the extent a cancer-haver can decode certain words that have been tossed around.
The report’s text is mainly understandable as a lament. Some things were getting bigger, and some things were getting smaller. Other things, I was not entirely sure what they meant. The one line that caught my eye was under the “Impressions” session.
“New L1 lytic bone metastasis.”
What the fuck does that mean? Well, I looked it up. I shouldn’t have done that. According to a quick search on the Internet, lytic bone metastasis develops when metastatic cancer cells break down too much bone and make it very weak.
This raised a lot of questions. The first being the most important. Do I have cancer in my back now?
“Whelp, I shouldn’t have looked that up.” – Those are the words that came out of my mouth. My wife heard me say these words, which got her attention, which meant I needed to tell her. I asked if she wanted to know, but the cat was out of the bag. She didn’t want to be left in the dark.
As one can imagine, Sunday, August 18th, was a tough morning. The worst part is that Emma and I had plans later that day. I was meant to leave for the movies for an hour to watch Alien: Romulus, and Emma was hosting her friends for dinner one last time before the summer season officially ended.
Were we either in the mindset to see people after my Google look-up? I can tell you, no, we were not.
Emma and I agreed to push it to the side the best we could that Sunday. Surely, it’s still in the back of our heads, but we have to have faith that a report is just a report, and we frankly have to remind ourselves that we know absolutely nothing at all. It’s hard when the thought to keep yourself sane is to call yourself uneducated on a subject.
We got through the Sunday, and I am happy to say that Alien: Romulus was excellent, and Emma’s dinner party deliciously went off without a hitch.
A valuable lesson was learned: to let the doctors read the reports and do the talking.
So here is where I stand following the CAT scan.
The cancer in my stomach has noticeably decreased. The fact that I can eat a regular diet for the most part and my appetite continues to grow are positive signs that the cancer is being beaten back. I still have a problem with having my stomach sit in my stomach for too long, so I need to do a better job of moving around after I eat. I will need to get into the routine of taking laps in the office or doing stairs at home after a meal to try and keep the whole digestion line…in line. Sorry, terrible joke.
The cancer in my liver is decreasing in density, so it has expanded in size. Think of the cancer spots like burgers on a grill. Since the last CAT scan, the cancer has been pressed down like a smash burger. The images have expanded, but the structural tendency is weaker and easier to break down.
There is one lymph node near my back that is growing. As my doctors put it, his eyes are open, and he will keep an eye on it as more pictures are taken in the future.
Then there is the new thing on my back. It turns out that I have a lesion on one of my spinal disks. I need to get radiation therapy to get rid of it, which consists of me lying on a table and getting blasted by something for a few minutes. I don’t know how many therapy sessions I’ll need. I think that’s a TBD after how the first one goes.
Emma and I were a tad bit thrown off when being told about the lesion because the doctors didn’t seem too overly concerned. It wasn’t a sit-down and stare at me and talk about symptoms. According to those in the know, my back is an easy thing to cross off the list once treated.
I wish that I could feel the same way. Today, Thursday, August 22nd, I woke up with the most back pain in weeks. I almost had to break out the Oxycodone, which has been in hiding for a while. I’d like to keep the Oxy on the back burner for as long as possible just because it affects my body in different ways, and I don’t want to adjust the current pattern I am on.
But timing is everything. Today is the first time I am doing Chemotherapy by myself. Emma returned to work today, and her mother was kind enough to drive me to the hospital because I still can’t drive myself back after I get hooked up. But in terms of timing…getting the worst back pain I’ve had in quite a long time on the same day I have to sit in a chair for possibly up to six hours is not ideal. I have come stocked with snacks and drinks I think I could need, let’s just hope it’s enough. Maybe I sleep the majority of the time, after I finish writing this.
So that’s it in terms of physical health. Do we want to explore the mental side?
It’s been a rough battle the past few weeks. Going to therapy every other week helps, and having some normalcy with work is good. With that being said, the vibes at The Mansion have been off.
The biggest hurdle is both a mental and physical one. I am fucking exhausted when I get home from work. Physically my body is tired, but mentally I am just as zonked. This is hard for Emma and I because before cancer we had a very different life. I would get home, shower, and we would eat, watch a show, do a crossword, and be there for each other. There wasn’t necessarily a set time to go to bed and cuddles with the cat were happening with regularity.
Nowadays, things are unfortunately different. When I get home I sit down in a chair and need 10 minutes to regather myself. Then Emma has to give me a shot. Then we eat, which is now more of a mathematical equation than a devouring pleasure. After eating meals I often need time to digest and recover, so again it’s stationary actions.
It’s not fair to Emma. It used to be a hug was the first thing when I got home, and now I’m lucky if I remember. I know, it’s not good. I used to come home ready to hear about the day’s drama, but listening has become admittedly harder to do with my current predicament. I used to wash the dishes every night, but now it’s fallen on Emma far too often. I could get to the dishes eventually, but it’d be an hour after eating and it takes me longer to do them. The sad part is now I do have a self imposed bedtime, and by the time i get home from work it means less than two hours of non-PJ activities. That’s less than 120 minutes to try and reconnect with my wife, and I am just beat to shit by the day. By my body. By what I can do physically.
It all affects me mentally, and it sucks. It sucks for Emma. It sucks for us.
We just got married in July. We should be in the happy newlyweds nirvana, but instead it’s a daily grind. We missed out on our home life honeymoon stint, and I’d do anything to have just a normal night back.
I’m gonna end this update now before we get a little bit to deep in the mental health game. I’ve gotta sort out my own thoughts before dropping them on paper.
Just give yourself some grace, Stanko.
On a happy note, the wedding photos from Emma and I’m wedding came in. I will be scrolling through those to cheer me up.
Stanko Update #1 (May 10, 2024) – “I Have Cancer”
Stanko Update #2 (May 30, 2024) – “Perspective And Medical Yo-Yo’ing”
Stanko Update #3 (June 13, 2024) – “Thursday, June 13th Was A Dreadful, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”
Stanko Update #4 (June 27, 2024) – “The Wedding Fast Approaches…(Insert Dramatic Music)
Stanko Update #5 (July 11, 2024) – “I’m A Married Man”
Stanko Update #6 (July 25, 2024) – “The Honeymoon Is Over. Time For Reality To Set Back In”
Stanko Update #7 (August 3, 2024) – “Back To Work”
Stanko Excel Lists | Movies, Books, Podcasts. TV Shows
Stanko Letterdbox Account
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Stanko's Stance 
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