I do not care if this is going to make me seem like an asshole on this subject, but the movie theater is a sacred space to me and far to many people are ruining it.

These are things that need to be banished from all movie theaters. I stand by all of these with the conviction of Zeus atop Mount Olympus. Climb up and fight me if you want.

The 10 things below are things that should be excommunicated from all movie theaters.


Stupid Ass Digital Ticket Readers

Let’s start of easy.

This is for people who but the digital tickets on Fandango and have to scan their tickets with the ushers. There are the ATOM ticket readers…which are always pointed down. The ushers just stand there as you have to open up your ticket, turn on the brightness and then look like a jackass trying to line up the QR code in the small box. Oh, and it is often mirrored, so that adds another wrinkle to it.

Why do the ushers not have to do anything with these digital tickets? Why are there not better scanners like at sporting events? Hold up your phone and the usher can focus on the aiming and the scanning part of it. Let them pull the literal scanning trigger and do some sort of actual ushering into the theater area.


Poorly Centered Screen Projectors And Poor Audio System

This may be a little nit-picky, but have you even to a theater where you can tell the projector is a bit askew, or that the audio is not balanced around the theater? There is that little sliver of video that is projecting onto the curtains and it will drive you made. Your job is to make the movie theater experience better than the at-home experience, and this is a direct contradiction of that. If you walk into a theater and you can actively, tangibly prove that the setup is inaccurate or off, then you should get all of your money back.


Arriving Late. Late Attendees Are Just Not Admitted Into The Theater.

In my mind, the movie starts when the previews start. So be in your seat and be ready to watch. Some fools think that it is okay to arrive during the previews. I guess we can allow that. I will frown at you and be annoyed, so maybe you non-preview people can be tolerated.

HOWEVER! There should be NO ONE. ZILCH. NADA. ZERO. NIL. No one should be allowed to enter the theater once the pewviews are over. Movie theater operators know how long the previews are and they know when the actual feature presentation is starting. If it gets to that point, those trying to get their tickets scanned should not be admitted past the usher. They should literally be told that it is too late to let into the theater.

It is a no refund policy as well. Maybe you can turn your tickets in for a later showing that day if you want, but getting into a movie that has already started should be illegal in all capacities.

I went to go see The Batman and a women can in 15 minutes into the actual movie, with snacks for four people, and then she turned her flashlight on and was looking for her friends because she couldn’t see…BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND THE MOVIE STARTED. Then her friends called to her, waved her over, and then they talked catching up on the movie until I asked them to be quiet…somewhat politely.

You came to watch a movie. If you don’t care about the movie and you want to talk with your friends and some snacks, then go to a bar or restaurant.


Cell Phone Admittance. There Should Be No Cell Phone Ever In A Theater.

None.

Put them in plastic bags before the show like a comedy show. If you want to go to a movie and see it properly, then put your phone away and put all distractions away. The younger generation (yes, I am going old man yelling at clouds) can’t bother being bored for a few minutes if they don’t like where the movie is going. You don’t need to be checking all your messages and stuff. And guess what, if you say you are waiting on an important message from someone…DON’T GO TO THE FUCKING MOVIES.

Imagine all of the trouble that would be eliminated if they had the plastic bag policy? No needing to worry about people talking, texting and just being dicks and surfing social media. No need to worry about anyone potentially filming parts of the movies and spoiling it. No need to worry about an accidental phone going off during the movie.


Infants In Any Movie Rated “PG-13” Or “R”

When you have a parent, you have to make compromises. One of them is not bringing your crying infant to a movie that it was not meant for. I have had to deal with kids crying during a midnight premiere and other kids talking during a tense noir thriller. I am tired of having to stare at parents and make them feel awkward when their kid won’t behave. I wouldn’t be staring at you if you were respectable of the environment you are in.

I will call you out loudly from 10 rows back in a giant IMAX theater if you bring an infant in and it starts misbehaving. I have done it before, and I will do it again.

I could not make this no infants at all because there are kids moves that go into theaters, and then they are all allowed. And guess what, if you go to a PIXAR movie, then you know what to expect! I went to go see Inside Out in theaters, and I had to deal with some kids talking. That is fine. We know the situation there. JUST NOT TO MOVIE ATTENDED TO BY PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE MOVIE.


Non-Assigned Seating

This may be the best recent addition to the majority of movie theaters across the country…but there are some that are still lagging behind. All movie theaters should have assigned seating. It makes it more organized. It makes it easier to plan ahead when you know where you are and if you can get a group together, and it ensures that you are getting into the theater.

Now I will make a recommendation here. The labeling of the seats should be different in most theaters. Rather than on the eats, why not have the numbers on the ground illuminated by a soft light? This is the way that most theaters illuminate the rows, so why not the seats? It would prevent idiots from using their flashlight to try and find where they are going (because you know, they arrived late).


Seat Anarchist (Sit In Your Assigned Seats, Fools!)

There are people in this world who do not obey their seat designation, and those people are the absolute bane of group gatherings. I don’t care if the theater is entirely full or not, sit in your assigned seat. People may have bought tickets after you based off the spacing of the seats available. Don’t be rude and don’t blatantly break these rules. When someone arrives late (which shouldn’t be allowed) and then they get to their actual correct seats but someone else is sitting there and it creates even more people moving,…I mean that is just making my blood boil now.


Concession Line Indecision

Anyone who waits in line for 10 minutes then arrives at the front and STILL doesn’t know what they want to order needs to be arrested on sight. You have a five second window to get your thoughts together, but there should be no turning around to other people in the group (if there is one) and asking what they want. You are going to a movie theater. The options are almost always the same. Know your order so you, and those behind you, can get into the theater on time.


Talking During Previews

Like I said earlier, the movie theater experience starts when the lights dim, which is during the previews. That is your cue to wrap up your conversation about shoes, family, or whatever. Let previews wash over you, and if you want to give a two second “hey that looks good” note to your pal, that is tolerable. What is not tolerable is pretending the previews are just there for amusement and not for purpose.

No. Talking. During. The. Previews.


Cheering During Movies.

Come at me. Do It. I am ready.

I am going to get massive flack for this, but I truly do not care. I LOATH when a theater erupts in applause, or hoots and hollers during a movie. I absolutely hate it. I want to hear the music, the dialogue, and the story. I want to get the theater experience, not the concert experience.

This is going to antagonize a lot of comic book fans and a lot of Star Wars fans, but I do not care.

If you are excited during a movie, operate like you are working at basketball court-side table. Grab someone’s arm and hold your yell in. Clasps your hands in front of your face and ensure the squeals are not heard by anyone else. Pump your fist in silence and admiration and do not be bombastic.

People will say that in certain environments this experience should be allowed, but I simply don’t agree. I want to hear the movie. I don’t want the cheerleaders.


Am I a movie theater snob? Yes, yes I am. I do not care. I will be having my own theater experience in whatever house my girlfriend and I are in. Going to the movie theater should not make me hate people, but it is the most aggravated I get when I get out in a social space. I get less frustrated when I am stuck in traffic for hours. During the movie, I should not be able to clearly see someone texting from seven seats to me left, and I should not be able to know that a group of girlfriends are going out to brunch this upcoming weekend.

Make the movie theaters great again. Thank you.


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