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Stanko Update: Back To Work.
If you made it to the end of this Stanko Update, I have you a ton of credit. This was a stream-of-consciousness mess.
Fair warning. This blog is very riddled with a chaotic stream-of-consciousness run.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to work, I go.
This past Monday officially marked the start of my attempt to have a normal life again. I returned to work, and this time, not just for a drop-in. I am back in the mix, as much as I can be.
I wish there were a magic mirror on the wall to tell me how it would all go, but alas, the only way to see if I can manage it is to do it.
The first significant switcheroo with my typical workday is how I pack for the day. With the necessary food and drugs I need every day, I have to pack my backpack with a lot more diligence. The lunchbox used to be stuffed with whatever leftovers from the fridge, but now it’s packed like Tetris with various bags of snacks, a second breakfast, and the necessary calories. Meal prep and meal planning will have to be skills I must acquire. I may have to join my wife on Sundays when she plans out and cooks the necessary food for her lunches for the entire week.
The food in the lunch box leads to another problem. My goddamn backpack. It is always heavy, even when I think I’ve stripped away all unnecessary things. Here are the items I stuff in daily that I think are needed. Perhaps someone else can illuminate aspects I can eliminate.
- I’ve got my laptop in a laptop case with my laptop charger. I obviously need this computer for work at the office, but I also use it on the train for writing.
- I’ve got my lunchbox filled with food. I need calories to survive, and I eat six appetizer-size meals to satiate my appetite best. I can’t not have food, even if I order Uber Eats at work.
- I’ve got a water bottle. Not a heavy one. It’s just a classic Body Armor plastic bottle. This is to stay hydrated.
- I have wireless headphones to listen to podcasts or watch movies during my commute. I could ride from East Norwalk to New York City in silence…but I would rather not.
- Side note: I am all on board with a movie podcast I have discovered. Blank Check Podcast with Griffin & David covers directors’ full filmographies, focusing on many behind-the-scenes stories and sometimes overly prevalent production drama. This is the first podcast I have subscribed to Patreon. They have earned my monthly money drop.
- One thing I can’t not have are my drugs. I’ve got a compartment filled with those drugs I need, as well as tissues for when my nose leaks.
- One of the random Chemo side effects I didn’t expect was just getting random bloody noses at times. Blow my nose, and blood comes out. I can’t wait for when I don’t have my tissues one day, and I look like Dracula walking through Grand Central.
- The last thing I carry daily is my movie notebook, where I jot down notes to keep my thoughts fresh. I pull this notebook out when I am writing a movie review as a reference, so it’s good to have if that urge arises.
So, what do I get rid of? Can I make my backpack lighter? I personally don’t think so, but it may become necessary. Since my first day commuting to work, I have woken up with back pain. Tylenol has become a necessary morning pill to go along with the four others I take. A second dosage is necessary later in the afternoon to prep for the trek home.
Here’s hoping that my back will get stronger over time and that I can rebuild some stamina. A second major trait I’ve noticed after my first week back is that I am beyond exhausted when I get back home after work. In the past, there was a time of decompression following my bike ride or walk, but now all I want to do is lie down after Emma picks me up. I used to be a man built for cardio, but those days are gone. Becoming exhausted is a much easier task nowadays, whether it be after walking from the Times Square shuttle to the one train, or eating a large lunch. My body’s shutdown point is at a much lower level than ever before.
I suppose that’s a major change. I am not a subway way. I used to walk from Grand Central to Barstool Headquarters, regardless of the weather or time. However, after the threat of death from my wife, I am learning how to navigate the underground depths of the worst place on earth. Admittedly, it is not a hard subway path to figure out, but it’s just the beginning. I can’t wait to figure out how to get from Barstool HQ to the main MSK hospital. From what I have heard, it’s an absolute bear.
Listen, if I am being honest, writing this Stanko Update is a bit more of a chore today. I am exhausted because I slept like restless garbage last night, and now I am hooked up in the chemo chair, which always makes me a bit more fatigued. Not all days are going to be good writing days. I will not have a strong sense of world flow every day. I have been trying to learn about giving myself more grace when it comes to my health and energy, and this is one of those moments where I need to remind myself that I am not a professional writer and can’t spin a story without the necessary or intangible tools.
Now, this realization I am working through about my writing (which is strictly for fun) makes me a bit scared about work. The fact that I am going back to work is great, but new variables in my day dictate how effective I am at a particular task. It’s not a big deal when the office is quiet, but these days of extreme fatigue cannot affect me, or those around me when things get busy.
For example, the plan is to cut the Barstool College Football Show from the New York Office despite the entire show and cast being in Chicago. One, technically, that is cool and impressive as fuck. But two, I can not afford to have this sort of brain fog day when we have a studio day. Thursdays will be absolutely bonkers come football season: The College Football Show, The Pro Football Football Show, Barstool Sports Advisors, and Thursday Night Football. How does one train one’s body to perform well in the most crucial moments and tell it to rest when times are quiet? Is it instinctual?
The one example I got recently of my body failing but my mind persevering was the last traveling work project I had before getting diagnosed with cancer. The annual FDNY/NYPD hockey game was on Saturday, April 20, 2024, and I worked in the production truck with my boss and Steve. My task on this day was tracking the commercials and communicating the ad breaks with the satellite operators. Shit sort of hit the fan when it became clear that the assistant producer (who is directly communicating with the broadcasters about when we are coming in and out of break) would not have contact with the satellite truck.
At this time, I was unable to eat any food, so I packed four Ensure drinks in a lunch box to keep me alive. With the stress, I am almost positive these drinks were all drunk before the start of the game. Running on 800 calories of protein liquid, I communicated with the satellite workers in a Google Meet and aped my countdowns with the assistant producer so she could let the talent know when they were officially live. I also marked down when each commercial ran down to the specific second to ensure all clients were accounted for.
That was the last my body rose to the challenge and told my head to fuck off. Or should it be that my head stood up tall while my body dwindled? Regardless, I’ve gotta be able to dig deep for energy and focus like I did at the FDNY/NYPD game when it’s needed during busy football season. It’s just a matter of looking in the right spot within myself since my body composition and expectations have changed.
What else has happened since my last Stanko Update?
I went in for surgery, and nothing happened. There was a strong possibility that I was going to need a stint installed in my esophagus, but I woke up from being put under, and the doctor came in and said that he deemed there was no reason to install it. Therefore, that means I traveled into the city and got put under general anesthesia for no reason at all. The silver lining is that the doctor deems that my stomach and digestive tract are improving rapidly enough that no instruments are needed.
On a happy ending note, I have discovered a new board game I love. Has anyone reading this ever played “Betrayal”? It is admittedly a bit complicated, but after playing it with Emma, Hannah, and Kyle, I am absolutely all in. You have to keep track of so many cards, and characters, as well as rules and hypotheticals. My brain was working on overdrive while playing it. “Betrayal” made me feel alive.
If you made it to the end of this Stanko Update, I have you a ton of credit. This was a stream-of-consciousness mess. The next one will have more structure. Can promise you that.
Stanko Update #1 (May 10, 2024) – “I Have Cancer”
Stanko Update #2 (May 30, 2024) – “Perspective And Medical Yo-Yo’ing”
Stanko Update #3 (June 13, 2024) – “Thursday, June 13th Was A Dreadful, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”
Stanko Update #4 (June 27, 2024) – “The Wedding Fast Approaches…(Insert Dramatic Music)
Stanko Update #5 (July 11, 2024) – “I’m A Married Man”
Stanko Update #6 (July 25, 2024) – “The Honeymoon Is Over. Time For Reality To Set Back In”
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