Better late than never. Tonight, the new season of “The Bachelorette” kicks off with Jenn tran as the lead. It’s time to meet the men who are vying for the heart of the (probably too) young lead.

JENN TRAN

  • Is all of Bachelor Nation going to pretend to be excited to have Jenn as the Bachelorette? Are we really going to do this? We all know that she was the third option. That doesn’t mean that this season will be poor, or that she will be a bad lead, but we can’t deny the fact that Daisy or Maria would have been the home run selections.
  • They say that Jenn is still studying to become a physician’s assistant, which I don’t believe to be true. How long can you put these studies on hold while appearing on reality shows and doing press junkets nonstop?
  • I did not know, or I forgot, that Jenn was bilingual, so that is cool.
  • Jenn lives in Miami, a place I never want to spend more than 48 hours. It’s just different living styles, man.
  • For the record, Jenn is 26 years old.

Aaron

29 Year Old
Aerospace Engineer
Tulsa, Oklahoma
  • I can’t recall a lot of Oklahoma contestants on the show.
  • The first line of his bio involves a pun about space travel. Outstanding. The PR writers at ABC are hopping into the cheesiness with two feet.
  • Aaron is a twin of Noah, who found love on Bachelor In Paradise. I am going to be honest…I did not see the resemblance at all until it was written out.
  • COMES FROM A FAMILY OF 11 KIDS? God bless. Maybe that means he will handle a crowded house of personalities well.
  • He is a golf guy and says he is a force of nature on the pickleball court. Safe to say he is very competitive.

Austin

28 Year Old
Sales Executive
San Diego, California
  • Austin wears his mullet proudly. It will be a talking point on night one. That is a personal guarantee.
  • Austin appears to be very focused on growth. All things lead to propelling his career and having that lead to a good family foundation.
  • The bit about him calling his mom when he isn’t working is a bit much.
  • I wonder if the mullet hair choice affects his desire to be Justin Bieber for just one day.
  • How many retainers does Austin have?

Brendan

30 Year Old
Real Estate Broker
Vancouver, British Columbia
  • Brendan has a bit of the crazy eyes.
  • The classic line in the bio about having everything he could want, except for a wife to share it with.
  • How many long-term relationships is a lot? He is 30 years old, so that does lend him more experience.
  • His last girlfriend left him for his best friend…I mean, yikes. You can’t still be friends after that, right?
  • Who the fuck cares if Brendan snuck into Coachella?

Brett

28 Year Old
Health & Safety Manager
Manheim, Pennsylvania
  • Brett has the most genuine smile of the bunch thus far. Also, there is the fact that he doesn’t look like the traditional shredded California bro. Brett has a lot of originality going for him, which means he will make it at least two weeks on the show.
  • I actually believe the bio when it says that Brett likes to be the life of the party and that he will win any dance competition.
  • If Brett can do splits upon command, everyone should sign up for hot yoga right now. This also makes me think that he played football at some point in time.
  • Will Brett make it to the international travel portion of The Bachelorette to fulfill his dream of leaving the country? I do not know.

Brian

33 Year Old
Aesthetics Consultant
Boynton Beach, Florida
  • Brian looks like a Florida man. Through and through.
  • 33 years old appears to be on the older side of the contestants.
  • A Long Island guy…who wants his partner in crime…why am I getting random mafia thoughts here?
  • Why does it matter if his parents serve in the NYPD and FDNY? That is not him. Brian moved away from New York.
  • I don’t like Brian, despite his support of Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.

Dakota

27 Year Old
Sommelier
Paradise Valley, Arizona
  • I feel like all sommeliers button their top button. Is that just standard protocol?
  • Oh, the “Will you accept this rosé?” is a wonderful opening line. Perfectly punny.
  • This dude just wants to show off his wine knowledge and hometown.
  • Spontaneously driving to Mexico at 3 AM seems silly, not brave.
  • Dakota is way too focused on his career.

Devin

28 Year Old
Freight Company Owner
Houston, Texas
  • Why is his headshot so much closer than the rest of the men thus far?
  • Devin has a dog that he gave a real person’s name. They are a package deal, and I am not buying the package.
  • I find it very interesting there are many men thus far who are proud of their careers and what they have built…and then there is Jenn, who is still “studying” to be a PA amongst all this The Bachelorette nonsense.
  • A 200-mile relay race is no joke.

Dylan

24 Year Old
Medical Student
Elk Grove, California
  • Stop the presses! We have another medical student stopping their educational journey for a chance at love. There has to be a spark between Dylan and Jenn.
  • 24 years old is so young. So many mistakes are yet to be made in this man’s life.
  • Dylan is a Drake fan, so how does he feel about the last couple of months of online rap beefing? I don’t know anything about it, but I know that Drake didn’t necessarily come out the winner.
  • Wine and painting date nights are fun, so props to Dylan for that.
  • And is his Trader Joe’s fun fact really fun? Or is that just like a where you live type thing?

Grant

30 Year Old
Day Trader
Houston, Texas
  • This is mean, but I do not like Grant’s smile. The bio says his smile lights up every room, but I would disagree.
  • We have our first mention as poetry. Will he be writing some for Jenn? Wouldn’t be surprised.
  • Grant is a former pro basketball player, and now I need to know where he played because it was definitely overseas. Did he play college basketball?
  • Grant wants to visit every country in his lifetime?? That is nuts and seems impossible.
  • This guy went to IONA? THE SAME IONA I WENT TO? AND PLAYED BASKETBALL?? WTF??

Hakeem

29 Year Old
Medical Device Salesman
Schaumberg, Illinois
  • Hakeem’s photo is the most yearbook-esq. All of these guys’ photos are fairly bland, but this one seems of a different decade.
  • Hakeem is Jamaican, and therefore, we must have a mention of Jamaican food.
  • I do enjoy watching The Lion King.
  • How the fuck do you clap with just one hand.
  • Hakeem is a loser because he spend $5,000 on a dating coach. That is insane. Fucking insane. What are we talking about here??

Jahaan

28 Year Old
Startup Founder
New York, New YOrk
  • Jahaan is the first picture where I was like “Okay, this dude is attractive.” And we are well underway on this list.
  • He was on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list? Do not tell Tommy Smokes. He will be upset.
  • I believe it when Jahaan says he can beat most people at chess.
  • The fact that Jahaan already has something he can point to as a success makes me like him compared to others who want to further their careers.

Jeremy

29 Year Old
Real Estate Investor
New York, New York
  • What we have here…is the opposite of baby face. Jeremy is 29 years old, but he looks like he is 35 and he dresses like he is 55.
  • What are some of these creative date ideas that he has come up with? Will he be lending these ideas to The Bachelor franchise? Or will he just be hired by ABC if he doesn’t win?
  • His keys to a good relationship are good communication and a good sense of humor are true.
  • Love language is physical touch, which I don’t think ever bodes well on this show.
  • I don’t hate the idea of living abroad for a bit.
  • Inviting the girl of dreams to Passover seder for first meeting seems like A LOT.

John

25 Year Old
Medical Student
Delray Beach, Florida
  • And we have another medical student!!
  • He is described as an athletic stud. What is his primary sport?
  • John likes having game nights, going to the movies, or playing basketball. Does that mean we could be friends? I think I would like to be.
  • John being a big Christmas guy while living in Florida seems weird. I have always associated with the Northeast.

Jonathon

27 Year Old
Creative Director
Los Angeles, California
  • This is not how you spell “Jonathon”. It is spelled “Jonathan”.
  • I do think that Jonathon has a nice smile.
  • Entrepreneurial seems to be a theme with a lot of these contestants.
  • He has a sister. Always a good thing in my mind.
  • Jonathon calling himself a “medium king” makes me think he is very small.

Kevin

35 Year Old
Financial Analyst
Denver, Colorado
  • Kevin is classic white boy cute. I do not mean that as an insult. He has the Abercrombie & Fitch model look plays. He also looks great for a 35-year-old.
  • We have a thrill-seeker, which means he will be doing something with Jenn that requires him to make her feel comfortable and brave.
  • Kevin already has a home. Will Jenn be willing to move to Colorado?
  • Kevin is the first guy to mention being a foodie, which is a unique touch for him. I guess he used to own his own restaurant.

Marcus

31 Year Old
Army Veteran Ranger
Raleigh, North Carolina
  • Marcus, on paper, could be The Bachelor. Army veteran, and Harvard alum. Smart and a badass.
  • Is Jenn really that humble? He says she is seeking that.
  • Marcus wants to be an astronaut? Maybe he should talk to Aaron.
  • The fact that Marcus has a favorite flower means he has a different way about him.

Marvin

28 Year Old
Luxury Event Planner
Santa Monica, California
  • Being a luxury event planner in California has to come with a ton of perks but lots of stress if you are successful.
  • CEO of own company…again the entrepreneurship motif.
  • Marvin being “GQ Ready” makes me think that he and I would not be friends seeing how I am still in my baggy pajamas and haven’t moved in four hours.
  • A second language of French.

Matt

27 Year Old
Insurance Executive
Atlanta, Georgia
  • Matt has a look. No denying that.
  • He works in the family business. Family mixing with business.
  • And Matt has a dog. He does not say that they are a package deal…so maybe he isn’t totally obsessed.
  • The whole meditation and zen mindset may not last long on The Bachelorette. Unless he gets one of the weird ass one-on-one dates.
  • I don’t think I hate Matt because based on this bio, he has his interests but doesn’t force them on anyone.

Moze

25 Year Old
Algebra Teacher
Albany, NY
  • Moze is a unique name. I like it.
  • Surprisingly, he is the only teacher.
  • He has had multiple long-term relationships at the young age of 25. Either he started young, or his definition of “long” is incorrect.
  • UGHHHHHH, we have a freestyle rapper. That is going to make me cringe. He is going to do it.
  • Speaks Spanish. The ability to speak two languages is a thing many have, and hopefully, Jenn notices.
  • Moze played in the XFL. He is a professional athlete, and we actually have some history on him.

Ricky

28 Year Old
Pharmaceutical Representative
Miami, Florida
  • Ricky and Jenn are both from Miami. That is a bonus point for him.
  • A former pro baseball player…this demands all the same questions I have; for whom, for how long, and did he go to school?
  • Ricky learned English with poetry and romantic comedies, which could lead to some great stories.
  • The idea of breakfast and sunrise is stolen from a romantic comedy. Feels that way.
  • English is Ricky’s second language, so there is a bilingual connection between Jenn and him as well.
  • I respect not celebrating his birthday. I would just like to know why.

Sam M.

27 Year Old
Contractor
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
  • Having a Sam M. and a Sam N. is tough for pronunciation’s sake.
  • Sam M. looks like a good-looking contractor. He fits the mold. Honestly, he looks as if he could be a poster child for a contractor dating app.
  • Does Jenn like tattoos? I think this is the first mention of tattoos for any of the contestants.
  • It would appear that Sam M. has been cheated on because he has been in love before and loyalty is his number one trait.
  • Not surprised by the Sons Of Anarchy television show preference.
  • Oh, first time on the West Coast for this guy.

Sam N.

25 Year Old
Entrepreneur
Carlsbad, California
  • Sam N. has a dog, and like a few other contestants, the pup and person are a package deal. I’m again booting that package out the door.
  • We won’t know what Sam N. is an entrepreneur of…at least we know what Spencer is pursuing.
  • April Fools’ Day is your favorite holiday? You are an absolute menace.
  • Sam N. is an extra walking red flag. He uses the phrase #OnFleek on purpose to describe his eyebrows.

Spencer

30 Year Old
Pet Portrait Entrepeneur
Dallas, Texas
  • What the fuck kinda job is that?
  • You gotta love dogs to love Spencer. Or pets in general. This appears to be the rule.
  • I respect him wanting to play Catan with his friends. It is a fun game.
  • Self-proclaimed mama’s boy is a little tough.
  • He is a big The Office fan, which is whatever. Seems old hat.
  • Spencer is big into cardio with some ultra marathons and big hiking stuff.

Thomas N.

31 Year Old
Retirement Advisor
Tucker, Georgia
  • I wonder what Bachelor Nation celebrities have for retirement planning. This may be a way in for Thomas.
  • Thomas N. is Vietnamese. Ring that bell for Jenn’s bilingual talents.
  • Thomas N. seems like a pretty plain guy, and that is not in a bad way. Watches The Food Network and enjoys the boat.
  • How is one a professional swimmer? Was it like the Olympic trials? Where did he go to school for swimming? Did he go to school? I have questions.
  • Unfortunately, I do not think yellow is his color.

Tomas A.

27 Year Old
Physiotherapist
Toronto, Ontario
  • Why do I feel like Canadian and Italian aren’t a big combo? But I will say that Tomas looks Italian, 100%.
  • Making homemade pizza is a blast, so points to that.
  • I like everything about his hobbies except for watching Friends. Never got the love for the show. And the fact the paragraph runs with it a little bit longer with the show makes me upset.
  • Driving with no destination in mind is just fucking crazy.
  • Tomas is a Canadian sports stereotype through and through.

The Bachelorette premieres Monday, July 8th on ABC.

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