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It Somehow Gets Worse Than “New Moon”?
I asked for this. I volunteered to watch New Moon (2009). I may have been under the influence of something, but I can’t blame this 130-minute experience on anyone else but me.
“Edward leaves Bella after an attack that nearly claimed her life, and, in her depression, she falls into yet another difficult relationship – this time with her close friend, Jacob Black.”
Director: Chris Weitz
Writers: Melissa Rosenberg, Stephanie Meyer
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Michael Sheen, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Release Date: November 20, 2009
IMDB
I asked for this. I volunteered to watch New Moon (2009). I may have been under the influence of something, but I can’t blame this 130-minute experience on anyone else but me.
Let’s set up the story before we dive into the belly of the beast.
Bella (Kristen Stewart) is coming to terms with the fact she almost died. It was Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) who saved her life and now she is celebrating a birthday with the entire vampire family. However, things get sketchy when Bella accidently spills blood, resulting in an earth shattering consequence.
The Cullen’s have to leave Forks, Washington, and Cullen has to break things off with Bella. Oh no! It’s a travesty! How will Bella cope?
The sullen teenager deals with her feelings by completely shutting down emotionally and socially. After multiple seasons changing, Bella finally breaks out of her funk to begin experimenting with dangerous thrills and frills. She thinks that putting herself in danger will bring Edward back to her, but in reality it brings her closer with a friend living much closer to home.
Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) has a ruggedness of a completely different polarity compared to Edward. He has long hair, and he loves to be in the sunlight with his shirt off. Bella begins to feel things for Jacob, but unforeseen drama with the far-too-groomed handyman creates potential riffs. That teenage soap opera saga acts as the main course, but let’s not forget the aperitif in Italy that springs out of nowhere.
Let’s start at the end
The ending of New Moon revolves around Edward Cullen, who is not in 80% of this movie. We begin the movie with Edward leaving, and close it out with the emo-icon being the center of attention.
Edward’s sister Alice (Ashley Greene) is back in Washington and she is shocked to see that Bella is still alive. She thought that Bella had tried killing herself when cliff jumping, and this premonition sent Edward into a depressed state, resulting in the pale-face boy taking a trip to Italy to visit the Volturi.
Edward needs the power and word of the most elite vampires to end his life. The Volturi do not grant him the peaceful demise he wishes, so Edward takes matters into his own hands. Edward is going to sparkle till he can sparkle no more. The plan is for him to step into the sun in broad daylight, but thankfully Bella arrives just in time.
Edward is elated that Bella is still alive, and after a brief meeting with the board of the Volturi, the romantic pair travel back to Washington together.
This could be an ending in itself, but we need three more endings to make sure we are getting our money’s worth. Bella is voted by the Cullen family to become an official member of the family. Bella is going to get to be a vampire! While she and Edward are having a heavy talk, Jacob arrives and we see the two sides of Cupid’s coin faceoff and issue vague threats. When that tension finally subdues, Edward raises the stakes by stating, “Marry me. Bella.” to which Bella responds the only way she knows how. She gasps.
So much fucking happens in New Moon, but by the end of the movie, we are in the same exact spot we were in before. Jacob is pining for Bella, but Bella is with Edward, but she wants different things than him. Also, nobody knows how to have a normal conversation. The screenplay keeps that consistent too.
Having Edward close out New Moon is nuts. It is a bonkers story decision by Stephanie Meyers, and just as confounding by the movie makers to stick with the plan. Sure, following the books is important, but realize a mistake when you see it. This is an attempt to add in Romeo & Juliet vibes, and why that story structure stays popular is beyond me. In both Shakespeare’s and Meyer’s version, the baseline of teenage angst is more infuriating than romantic.
While talking about idiots, we have to mention Bella’s dad. Charlie Swan (Billy Burke), what are you doing?? I know her mom isn’t around and doing things alone is hard, but your daughter just went to Italy on a whim without any warning?? Good lord sir, I think you’d be more upset and more punitive than just a grounding…for life. New Moon and the whole Twilight saga is melodramatic, yet Charlie is the most nonchalant guy in the world.
Someone who is trying his dardenest to do a good job is Taylor Lautner, however effort can only get you so far. We have to acknowledge that he is a poor actor, and the performance he gives as Jacob is rather dreadful. The best acting Lautner does is standing still and letting the ogling teenage audience admire him. Lautner’s abs do look photoshopped on, but he is no Ryan Gosling.
The character of Jacob and his transformation into a werewolf must be emblematic of a teenage boy going through puberty and having urges he can not control or understand. I can see no other interpretation. I think it’s safe to say that everyone who went through this stage wishes he came out the other side with an eight pack and zero percent body fat, but that’s just as in the realm of fantasy as werewolves and vampires.
If we want to share one positive attribute about New Moon, we have to talk about the Volutri. Without a doubt, this group of elite vampires bring the most juice, and the majority of the props need to go to Michael Sheen. The acclaimed British actor plays Aro, the leader and most powerful of the Volturi. Sheen brings absurdity, yet he brings it with a tilting regal charm. Aro is the most “normal” of a vampiric character in that he is menacing, charismatic, and magnetic. He doesn’t have a default mood that borders the likes of zombies. Aro’s throne as the most respected vampire and the wielder of life and death (at times) combined with the talents of Sheen make the most malevolent force in the movie the most interesting.
It can’t go unsaid that Sheen has specialized in this sort of over-the-top stylized gothic grand war world before. Think back to the 2000s with Underworld (2003), Underworld: Evolution (2006) and Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009). Sheen played Lucian, the leader of the werewolves, who were the underdog against the superior vampiric force. Now Sheen swaps sides taking the part of the aristocrats. For some reason, this man can eat the screen with these parts. And thank god he is in New Moon, because finding anything good about it besides his performance is tough.
While I am chastising New Moon for its flaws, let’s just go over some things that had me screaming at the television.
Perhaps I wasn’t paying enough attention during Twilight, or maybe it was because I didn’t read the books, but when Laurent (Edi Gathegi) conveniently shows up in the same field that Bella arrives in while wallowing…well I did an audible what the fuck?. I did not remember him from the first movie, and then all of a sudden the Victoria storyline came back into focus and my head was whirring. This whole sequence is just a reminder to the audience that Victoria existed, and we didn’t even get to see Jacob Black and his brothers take down Laurent. I am bamboozled by him suddenly popping up out of nowhere and taking New Moon into a completely different phase I had no recollection of.
The double date scene is appallingly bad. It was so cringe, but no moment is worse than Jacob’s sudden outburst. I wanted to be sequestered to a hospital watching Lautner’s acting during this sequence. It is brutal. It is painful.
AND THEY STILL FUCKING SPARKLE!!!
So much of New Moon is eye bleach. It is like Bird Box but real life. It is tough to watch, but also you can’t look away.
No matter how bad these movies are, I am going to finish the entire series. There are five of these movies, and most consider New Moon or Eclipse (2010) the low points. I am not sure how much lower one could get than New Moon, but some future day when I am inebriated in some way, I will dare to find out.
STANKO RATING: F+
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