“When Bella Swan moves to a small town in the Pacific Northwest, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a mysterious classmate who reveals himself to be a 108-year-old vampire.”

Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Writers: Melissa Rosenberg, Stephanie Meyer (novel written by)
Staring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke
Release Date: November 21, 2008

This movie was at the center of a cultural revolution? This movie was the focal point for conversation for all of my girl friends in high school? This movie made 407 millions dollars at the box office? This movie somehow has FOUR MORE AFTER IT?

I have so many problems with Twilight (2008). I watched this movie the night after my grandfather’s funeral hoping to take my brain off of everything. Safe to say it did exactly that, but possibly in the worst way possible.

I am going to warn you now, anyone reading this. This review is going to more of a rambling of my grievances with a movie that doesn’t deserve anything that it got or gained.

WHO THE FUCK EDITED THIS MOVIE?? Anyone involved with the editing of Twilight needs to go back to school and learn the definition of “consistency” and “theme.” Twilight is edited in three unique ways…for three very different vibes. It is a boiling mess that spills out onto the floor and gets all your socks wet with foul smelling aromas. The majority of the movie is shot in a very simple, romantic teenage style. Not a lot of moving shots. Fairly straight forward. When we get to the action sequences, all of a sudden Twilight thinks it’s the Jason Bourne franchise with shaky cam. It doesn’t help that any of the special effects in this movie are abhorrently bad. When Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) got climbing up to the top of the pine tree, I nearly spit out my dinner. There is a third editing style…and that is of the espionage thriller. Bella is doing all of this research on what Edward is and it’s like Swordfish (2001) fast-typing and quick computer screen zooms. Again, it is bonkers. It is bewildering.

In what world is watching someone sleep for months non-stop an okay and admirable thing to do? It was world is that okay? How the hell does Bella think that is okay? Like, that is creepy as all hell. I thought it was a hallucination what Bella had, but it would appear that he is just a massive creep. Also he followed Bella and said “I…I feel very protective of you.” and she was just perfectly fine with it. Sure, Edward saved her from a bunch of bad people. That is a good thing he did. But he does this growl thing at the stupid boys and again, the nice thing is punctuated by pure stupidity.

After watching Twilight, I asked my girlfriend if anything happened in the movie. It felt like a thousand things were packed into this story but in the end, nothing really changed or mattered. Part of the problem was that there were no villains in the story at all. Sure, we have the trio of vampires who walk into town and begin killing folk. Sure, one of them is James (Cam Gigandet), who plays a game of tracking Bella and has a final fight with Edward. This character exists, but did anyone at all thing he actually posed a threat? He was like someone yawning in a public place and not covering his mouth. Everyone looks at him with a bit of a “meh” judging face but pays him no heed. Also, he dies in the end with no fanfare at all. His neck getting twisted was out of focus in the background. Nothing happened in Twilight, and there was no villain to rally against. That is not a good combo when you don’t buy the love story the movie is trying to sell.

Speaking of things that happened in Twilight, how long did it take Edward and Bella to declare their love from one another? Was it just a matter of days? For all I know it could have been hours. It is insane the timeline of this. Why did Meyer feel the need to write this love so fast? The fact that Bella was “irrevocably” in love with him just after she confirmed in her mind that he was a vampire…it all makes no logical sense. Sure, rationality is always subjective in arts, but just because it can work for someone people, doesn’t mean it works for me.

So part of this love that Cullen has for Bella stems from the fact that Edward can not read Bella’s mind, and the smell of her blood and aroma is the most intoxicating thing he was ever smelled. I asked my girlfriend if we ever find out why she is this way to him, and to that she answered a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” How is it that two of the most distinct traits about Bella are never explained?

Can we also talk about the first time Bella has to sit next to Edward in that science class? It is HILARIOUS. He is acting like a “disneyfied” hard core druggie going through something cold turkey.

SPARKLING? THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE?? My girlfriend asked me before the movie started if I knew anything and the answer was equivocally “no.” This scene is why she asked. I thought my TV was broken when Robert Pattinson stepped into the sunlight. I could not believe that this story has this stupid ass trait for the bloodsuckers. Like what in al hell is this? And they are embarrassed of sparkling? That is why they don’t come out during the day? Sure, sure, the world doesn’t know that vampires exist, but, still. I can not believe that Stephanie Meyer catered to young girls in exactly this way.

I know understand Robert Pattinson. This movie, and its absurdity and it’s poor craftsmanship, deserves to be conned and made fun of in every which way. I get how Pattinson made fun of it on press tours and how he doesn’t like talking about it. Twilight was a money maker for Pattinson and allowed him go on to bigger and better things. The same goes for Kristen Stewart, who is now getting nominated for Oscars.

I think the only actor who does a decent job in this movie is Billy Burke, who plays Bella’s dad Charlie. He is the sheriff of the small Forks, Washington town. The only time I got a semblance of satisfaction from Twilight came when he was on the screen. Supposedly my cousin lives not to far from the real Forks, Washington, so now I need pay a visit and walk down the middle of the street and just chuckle.

The only thing I knew about Twilight going in was the baseball scene, and that was perfectly…fine. It is just as cringy as the rest of the movie, but when the game is interrupted by James, Laurent (Edi Gathegi) and Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre)…that is where the real Twilight comes out. When the Cullen’s and this trio of vamps get hunched and start hissing and growling at one another, I literally rewinded it to see which actor had the best posture for this ludicrous looking scene. It is a pissing match and horribly framed and acted. This is something where the directors and screen writers should not have been married to the book.

Speaking of being linked to the book…the line about “It’s like a drug to me. It’s like you’re my own brand of heroin.” was said with such earnest and so seriously, it was impossible not to laugh.

Another hysterical part of Twilight is the makeup. Was it really necessary to make all the vampires appear like they are dying of an unknown alien illness that drains all sort of life out of you? I mean good lord. It is also not good when audiences can notice where the makeup stops on one’s face. There were certain closeup shots where you could tell that the bottom of the chin or the neck are not done with the same care as their faces.

Twilight is a laughably bad movie. It is a snapshot of time. There are critics who gave positive reviews to this movie and it is shocking. The fact that I am not compelled to watch the next four in the franchise makes me want to poke my eyes out. What makes matters worse is that Twilight is arguably considered the best of the bunch. God bless my eyeballs when I finally tune into New Moon (2009).

A random question to end it here. If Edward can’t get too hot and bothered with Bella, then how does she get pregnant? That and her smell, and her mind….there are just a lot of questions that I am not confident I’ll get answers too at all.

STANKO RATING: F+ (1.0/5 Stars)

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