Entering this episode we knew two things; that Riley and Thomas would be arriving at the beach and that the women would have the power with the roses. After that, there were a bunch of assumptions one could make…and as it turns out those assumptions that the boys on the beach would turn into flip-flopping jealous fish would be absolutely true.

Before we get to the new drama, there are a few things to take care of. The first notable aspect would be that Noah did not mention James and Demi, or Karl and Deandra as couples who are linked when opening up the episode. The James and Demi combo is understandable, but Karl and Deandra not being referenced surprised me. Then we get Tammy’s time to give exposition on how the women have the power this week, to which she comments on how she likes to see boys cry. It feeds her. And that is scary.

With David Spade making the exit at the end of last week’s episode, there is a need for a new host. Enter Lance Bass, former member of NYSNC. I have a confession I must say at this moment in time: I did not know that NYSNC song right off the cuff and I did not know who Lance Bass was. I am going in with a perfectly clean slate on Mr. Bass. My first impression is that when Bass smoothly segways into the line “It’s gonna be me,” that was wonderful collaboration between the producer and host.

Thomas is the first new body to arrive at the beach and I mean, it has to be said. Thomas is just hot as hell. Straight up, Thomas is just a hunk. His new facial hair is working in addition to his height. All of the women begin swooning over him immediately, and all of the men begin mentally unfolding. Maurissa makes the strongest point when she notes how all the guys are nervous and jealous of the attention Thomas is getting. The men are using their relationship with Thomas during Katie’s Bachelorette season as a crutch to work through their green illness on the beach.

Thomas is Johnny Bravo and the way he walks and talks. He is not the sharpest tool in the shed and he loves to talk about how tall he is. When Thomas is first interacting with everyone on the beach he seems a bit overwhelmed and awkward, but he powered through it and grew into the environment when he began talking with all the women on the beach.

After Thomas spreads his wings and talks to multiple people, he decides to use his date card to ask Serena on a one-on-one date. The Canadian says yes and the major reason seems to be that she thinks Thomas is just super duper attractive in the physical sense. And you know what, it does make sense. Now the instant reaction is to feel bad for Joe, but in all reality, he is the luckiest guy on the beach to have a connection with Serena. Before she leaves on her date with Thomas, Serena talks down with Joe and is open with him. They are open with each other and Joe acknowledges his struggle but understanding of her situation. Give a huzzah for transparency!

A little but before, but especially during the date, the other men of Katie’s season begin their campaign speeches against Thomas. We have our first “He’s not here for the right reason.” and we get Aaron, Tre and somewhat James spreading what they believe the gospel is on Thomas. Tre and Aaron are very adamant about Thomas’ evil and bewitching nature. Both of these men don’t seem to realize that their hate for Thomas is clouding the good qualities about them. In particular with Aaron, he talks about how he is not worried if Thomas asks Tammy on a date and he would not be jealous of that but then mentions in his next breath that he would become protective of her immediately if she was to go on the date. That seems a wee bit hypocritical.

The Thomas and Serena date happened but wasn’t the most exciting. The only memorable part is when Serena asked Thomas about the drama and the statue of a man gave an all-be-it coherent but rehearsed reply. What was more entertaining was what happened on the main beach during their one-on-one.

Entire Riley. We stand for Riley. Thomas had a really short reign as the hottest guy on the beach.

Maurissa and Tahzjuan were the two biggest fans of Riley right off the bat. Maurissa got the first conversation with Riley, and she eventually got the date. Tahzjuan was not happy. She was visibly shook. She had stated emphatically that she came on Paradise to see Riley and now those hopes seem to be dashed. She was nervous even to go introduce herself to him and her anxiousness was palpable. The funniest thing is that she did not utter Tre once when talking about Riley. She was so hung up on Riley that Tre disappeared from her mind. Now, to be fair, Tre did not infuse confidence into the situation. Tre just left Tahzjuan to figure it out herself for an extended period of time. All things worked out in the end for them…but I am not banking on happily ever after.

Arguably the most painful part of the episode was when Connor say Maurissa all dressed up for her date with Riley. He literally did not recognize her. She went all out to impress him and it really (really) worked. Connor went to talk with her for a bit before the date started…and it’ll be their last meaningful conversation.

Before we get into the Riley and Maurissa evening, we have to just applaud everything that is Serena P. She is the queen. After coming back from her date with Thomas she makes a beeline for Joe to have a conversation. Joe is naturally nervous, but he is keeping a calmer head that most on the beach. His level-headedness is rewarded by Serena making the smartest decision thus far on the show.

SERENA CHOSE JOE!!! LET’S GOO!!! SUCK IT WORLDD!!!!

Side note, Joe asking Serena about her date with Thomas and asking for just the gist is amazing. He is such a normal person.

Now back the love fest that is Riley and Maurissa’s date. The two are at dinner and it’s basically version of 20 questions with Lance Bass hosting and if you don’t want to answer the question you have to eat something gross. The questions start out easy but once Bass asks how many sexual partners each person have had. That is a perfectly acceptable question to skip. HOWEVER, this next questions is insane to skip: “What is your most embarrassing story?” I mean really?? Riley and Maurissa, you can’t answer this?

Well maybe they couldn’t answer the questions because they were too busy making eyes at one another and realizing that they are each a little freaky. When Maurissa said she was a sexual person, we the fans could literally see Riley GULP. Then he does his chin move and it is nighty night. The walls in the Boom Room are getting sweaty tonight!

Massive props to Mr. Bass for commentating on just having to stand there in front of a pigs head watching RIley and Maurissa make out. That was the insight we needed at the moment and he delivered it perfectly.

Poor Connor. He thought that he had a real shot to still keep Maurissa. Son, you have no shot. You better just delve deep into your string instruments because that’s the only wood you’d be experiencing the rest of paradise.

The next episode of Bachelor In Paradise airs on Monday, August 30th on ABC.

RANDOM TID-BITS

  • Joe speaking wisdom and how he can’t make up his mind on Thomas until he meets him.
  • I think there there is a day dedicated to just filming crabs going into holes for B-roll.
  • I do not remember Leo at all. At all. I was in a mental pretzel when he was referenced by Leo with the flashbacks including Kendall.
  • They literally just filmed close up on Thomas’ crotch during his one-on-one with Serena. Talking about the shorts. That was weird.
  • THOMAS’ LOWER THIRD SAID “WANNABE BACHELOR??
  • Demi’s butt is out too much? There were multiple times that she was blurred out for possible exposure.
  • What is a side pickle? Thomas kept on referring to a side pickle on the date with Serena and I just don’t get it.
  • I don’t like Tre.
  • What is your secret move? Riley’s is the chin grab. But what is yours?
  • Brendan and Natasha have not made out and that is crazy. Brendan is taking things slow for sure.
  • Tahzjuan is telling Thomas to his face he is going to have no luck.
  • THomas is going through an apology tour right now to all the guys he was on the season with. Thomas is trying to open the dialogue.
  • James says he wants to avoid the drama but he was was spreading it.
  • Who has stayed out of the drama; Brendan, Noah, Joe, Connor, Karl (Shocking??)
  • Tahzjuan just blowing everything up. He acted on Serena’s words and just throwing an atom bomb into the world.

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