Madame Web
“Cassandra Webb is a New York metropolis paramedic who begins to demonstrate signs of clairvoyance. Forced to challenge revelations about her past, she needs to safeguard three young women from a deadly adversary who wants them destroyed.”
Director: S.J. Clarkson
Writers: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker, S.J. Clarkson, Karem Sanga, Denny O’Neil. John Romita Jr., Stan Lee, Steve Ditko
Cast: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor, Tahir Rahim
Release Date: February 14, 2024
IMDB
Expectations were low going in, and then the movie started. Madame Web (2024) was already a piece of cinematic, studio dead weight when it was released in theaters on Valentine’s Day 2024, but even those with the most meager of expectations had their heartbroken by the piss-poor critical and audience reaction.
Perhaps a silver lining is that, somehow, this movie made over 100 million dollars worldwide. IMDB has the budget at 80 million dollars, which seems remarkably low based on the reports of reshoots and the attempt at advertising. Still, according to reported numbers, Madame Web turned a profit. But let’s be pessimists here; Madame Web was the first Marvel movie since X-Man: Dark Phoenix (2019) to not open number one at the box office.
It’s almost like movies with lousy PR and horrendous word of mouth don’t lead to success.
Box office numbers and watchability be damned, Madame Web found its way onto Netflix and immediately took over the top spot. I admit I was one of the millions who kept this movie buoyed in the streaming service’s top 10. But I can assure you I didn’t give it a thumbs up.
The movie itself feels like it has been shredded to pieces countless times. The editing, pacing, and acting style change seemingly every 20 minutes. Dakota Johnson and everyone involved seemed remarkably disinterested in promoting the film or acknowledging its existence. Sydney Sweeney is on the record saying “I was just a hired actress in it. I was along for the ride whatever was going to happen.” It was a stepping stone for her and Sony, a professional move. I wish I could have been hired and paid to watch it. Then, it might have been worth something.
STANKO RATING: F
Rebel Moon—Part Two: The Scargiver
“Kora and surviving warriors prepare to defend Veldt, their new home, alongside its people against the Realm. The warriors face their pasts, revealing their motivations before the Realm’s forces arrive to crush the growing rebellion.”
Director: Zack Snyder
Writers: Zack Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, Shay Hatten
Cast: Sofia Boutella, Djimon Hounsou, Ed Skrein, Michiel Huisman, Bae Doona, Ray Fisher, Anthony Hopkins
Release Date: April 19, 2024
IMDB
Fuck you, Zack Snyder. Fuck you.
I am beyond tired of Snyder putting out a bad movie, claiming it wasn’t his true vision, and then promoting an unrated or director’s cut. It reached a fever pitch with the Synder Cut of Justice League in 2021, but the director is on the record saying, “Almost every movie I’ve ever made has a director’s cut.”
THEN JUST RELEASE THE MOVIE YOU WANT TO RELEASE.
We are here to discuss the despicably bad Rebel Moon—Part Two: The Scargiver (2024), the original cut. However, my seething distaste for a man I have never met has me rattled to the core.
On August 2nd, the “sexier, bloodier” director’s cut versions of the first two Rebel Moon movies were released onto the streaming service. Hey reader, did you know they changed the names to Rebel Moon — Chapter One: Chalice of Blood (2024) and Chapter Two: Curse of Forgiveness (2024)? It doesn’t matter. It is a matter of principle.
Rebel Moon is on Netflix, a streaming service that will put out 10 hours of television for audiences to binge with reckless abandon. Are you telling me that they didn’t want a longer version of the movie that you claim to be is better? I just have a hard time believing Netflix says no to an extended version but then changes its mind later and agrees to its release. This relationship between the world’s largest streamer and one of Hollywood’s most oversized egos is confounding.
Zack Snyder, make the movie you want and stop putting out a band-aid backup version after the fact. How about you think about making a watchable or recommendable original version before drowning the audience with director cuts that contain an extra hour of footage? I know these expanded visions are for an obsessive cult of your fans, but the more you lean into wanting a second chance, the less likely normal movie fans will want to watch your main release.
STANKO RATING: F
Trigger Warning
“A special forces commando returns to her hometown after her father’s sudden death, only to run afoul of a violent gang when she starts asking questions.”
Director: Mouly Surya
Writers: John Brancato, Josh Olson, Halley Wegryn Gross
Cast: Jessica Alba, Mark Webber, Anthony Michael Hall, Alejandro De Hoyos, Ton Bell, Jake Weary, Gabriel Basso, Kaiwi Lyman, James Cady
Release Date: June 21, 2024
IMDB
There is a disturbing trend of big-name actresses starring in bad Netflix original action movies. Millie Bobby Brown did it earlier this year with Damsel (2024), Jennifer Lopez had the panned science fiction movie Atlas (2024), Gal Gadot had an attempt with Heart Of Stone (2023), and now Jessica Alba has tossed her hat in the ring with Trigger Warning (2024).
The plot is like any other action movie you’ve seen. A soldier, Parker (Jessica Alba) is forced to return home following the death of a family member. The details about the death aren’t all up to snuff, and Parker begins to find trouble in all the wrong places when she begins to ask all the right questions.
With a plot like this, how can the movie be bad? It’s a full-proof action story.
Trigger Warning is boring. It’s horrendously dull.
It would appear that Netflix saw Trigger Warning for exactly what it is called. Filming for this movie took place in the fall of 2021 after the original spec script was brought to life back in 2016. This movie was an eight-year journey to make it to audiences, and multiple years were voluntary. What made Netflix want to dump it in the summer of 2024 is a compelling question I’d like to ask them.
Wracking my brain and looking at my movie list, the last female-led Netflix original action movie that had me not punching the wall in frustration was Gunpowder Milkshake (2021), which had Karen Gillan in the lead but with a backup cast headed by Lena Headey.
STANKO RATING: F
Unfrosted
“In 1963 Michigan, business rivals Kellogg’s and Post compete to create a cake that could change breakfast forever.”
Director: Jerry Seinfeld
Writers: Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Feresten, Andy Robin, Barry Marder
Cast: Jerry Seinfeld, Christian Slater, Hugh Grant, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, Cedric The Entertainer, Max Greenfield, Melissa McCarthy
Release Date: May 3, 2024
IMDB
I was out on Unfrosted (2024) within the movie’s first five minutes. There was a physical gag about getting a butt massage from a new innovative piece of technology. Right from the jump, I could tell I would not be biting into the type of comedy this particular Netflix original was going for.
Jerry Seinfield’s second directorial adventure, first live-action, is made for an audience of older adults who enjoy having their comedy spelled out for them like pieces of alphabet soup. The jokes are spoonfed to the audience with the baby voice, “Here comes the airplane,” letting them know when the punchline will land.
So, in case you couldn’t tell, I did not find Unfrosted funny. Not in the slightest.
I understand the movie’s plot is not serious in its own right, but it’s how dumb it treats its audience. There needs to be a little bit of depth to something. The order of operations for discovering the Pop-Tart felt more like a series of sketches for an atrocious variety show. Every scene may include a different, relatively well-known actor or comedian, but none of the side characters have a fraction of a spine of importance or relevance.
Perhaps the most surprising thing about Unfrosted is that Steven Cheah liked it.
And here is a hot take. Jerry Seinfeld is not that funny. Every stand-up I’ve seen of his has been underwhelming, and in the few episodes of Seinfeld I’ve seen, Jerry has been the least funny character on the screen. It’s admittedly hilarious that I am raking an undeniably successful multi-millionaire over the coals, but comedy is subjective, and nothing about Seinfield or Unfrosted tickled my funny bone.
STANKO RATING: F+
Stanko's Stance 