“As a string of mysterious killings grips Seattle, Bella, whose high school graduation is fast approaching, is forced to choose between her love for vampire Edward and her friendship with werewolf Jacob.”

Director: David Slade
Writers: Melissa Rosenberg, Stephanie Meyer
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard
Release: June 30, 2010
IMDB

Bella is so fucking stupid.

We need to tug on that fog horn before we get started with the third installment of The Twilight Saga. There are a lot of silly things that happen in Eclipse (2010), but no one is as stupid as Bella. She is a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins. The dictionary definition.

Because it is a Tuesday and cloudy, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is in trouble. Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is back for vengeance and has begun forming an army in Seattle to eventually give the whimpering senior high schooler her come-up-ins. The Cullen family, being the vampire overseers of the land, are contemplating what to do because if they continue to allow Victoria to wreak havoc, then the Volturi may pay them an unkind visit.

The Cullen under the most distress is Edward (Robert Pattinson) because his girlfriend is being a complete nincompoop. Being at the center of a vampiric revenge quest isn’t enough. Bella is pushing her friendship with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) to absurd limits. She is swimming in the friend-zone but doing it in the most welcoming way possible. Such behavior pins Edward and Jacob against one another, which leads to many hilarious moments. In a classic twist, the angsty frenemies must agree to a very fragile truce when the threat of Victoria becomes too big to ignore. Vampires and werewolves must unite to try and take down this red-headed menace before Bella is killed and many more innocent are injured.  

The plot for Eclipse doesn’t matter. The movie is very much a bubble movie compared to Twilight (2008) and New Moon (2009); major plot points are pushed to the side (what is the main plot anyway?) as the focus shifts onto Victoria. If anyone is like myself, you may have needed a refresher as to who Victoria is. I shall oblige you.

Remember in Twilight when a certain vampire by the name of Laurent showed up and was killed by Edward Cullen? Victoria, who is played by Bryce Dallas Howard in this movie for the first time, vows to kill Bella to show Edward the same emotional pain that she felt. Victoria also showed up briefly in New Moon just to remind the audience she still existed.

Eclipse is not the worst of the The Twilight Saga. Dare I say, it may be the most watchable of the three I’ve seen. If you’ll allow an outrageous comparison, the movie plays out a bit like an episode of The Bachelor. The two hour over-the-top love story passes by faster than you think because you can spend the entire time screaming at the television for how stupid the characters are. Eclipse is basically a two-on-one date that stretches out way too long.

This isn’t going to be a normal reaction of mine. The movie is made for clips, so let’s dance around some of the most ridiculous scenes of Eclipse. Most of which are hilariously awkward. This is going to be a massive stream of consciousness dump, so I apologize in advance.

  • The setting of the beginning and end of the movie is a sunny field of flowers; though Edward is not really glistening, which I have a problem with. These two scenes must have been filmed at a different time than the rest of the movie. The hair on Bella looks different and the tone is so much more loving than the rest of the movie.
  • You can not accept gifts from someone who has a crush on you. Even worse, you can not wear the gifts and let your boyfriend see such gifts. Edward is lucky he doesn’t feel because if he did then he would fucking rip Bella to shreds.
  • I am here to say that I get why Jacob thought he read the signs to kiss Bella. His confession of love must have been a massive moment for fans, and this failure at a passionate kiss is just a precursor to an even more outrageous scene that we will get to in a bit. But really, every highway sign Jacob passes on his motorcycle ride of love is telling him to exit and take a chance on Bella. Fuck man, she is giving him the googly eyes. Again, this is Bella’s fault, and I am sorry if that makes me a bigot in your eyes, but I can not get over how many manipulative decisions she consciously and unconsciously makes. You can say you are in love with Edward, but if your actions are not emulating such a statement, what can be taken seriously? And hell, by the end of the movie, you are saying you are in love with both of them!
  • Let’s get to the kiss on the mountain. After the snafu on the road, Jacob promised to never kiss Bella unless she asked, which is admirable. Naturally, such an out-of-pocket request comes from Bella just before the heat of battle. Jacob just found out that Bella is going to marry Edward so the werewolf is storming off angry. Bella runs after him and panically begs him to kiss her as a way to ensure he doesn’t do anything reckless against VIctoria’s army. They then share a legit passionate kiss, RIGHT IN FROM OF EDWARD CULLEN WHO CAN OBVIOUSLY KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME BELLA?? 
  • Before the kiss between Bella and Jaob, there is one of the most awkward movie scenes to ever grace the silver screen. A storm has reached the mountain where Bella, Edward and Jacob are all hanging out. Bella is freezing in her sleeping bag, and since Edward can’t bring her bodily warmth, that task falls on Jacob’s 109 degree shoulders. Yes, IMDB makes a point to say that Jacob’s body temperature is 109 degrees. Jacob gets into the sleeve and Edward has to watch as BELLA PUTS A HAND ON HIS CHEST and falls asleep.
    • Here is the thing. JUST BRING PROPER FUCKING CLOTHING! Bella, take some responsibility for packing. You are going to the top of a fucking mountain and you are not immune to the cold like Edward and Jacob. YOU need to pack and make sure you are good. I mean, come on man.
  • Eclipse is a book of romantic flip-flopping and no one is swinging on the metronome faster than Bella Swan. In my mind, she takes no responsibility for her actions. She says all the right things (until asking Jacob to kiss her) but her choices and behaviors with Jacob are problematic. Bella is the biggest loser of this book, but the next biggest loser is Edward…but by him losing…he also kinda wins? Eclipse has to make everyone feel somewhat bad for Edward because he is such a simp and a cuck to Bella. He has to put up with so much of her bullshit. It is not hard to feel sympathy for Edward.
  • There are two scenes in Eclipse that act as foreshadowing beacons.
    • When Jacob is talking about the “imprinting” process, he is essentially screaming into the void that this is going to happen at some point over the next two movies. The process is sudden, spontaneous and uncontrollable; it is a complete chance, they say. I don’t truly believe that. Bella thinks that Jacob has imprinted on her, but Jacob insists he is not. He loves her just as a normal hormonal boy. Will Jacob imprint on Bella, or someone else? Will that solve the love triangle?
    • Bella wanting to have sex with Edward but him not being able to is also a tease to a future scene that probably had fans rabid back in the day. This scene in the Cullen house is preceded by an awkward chat about premarital sex between Bella and Charlie (Billy Burke) that really comes out of nowhere. In the moments after Edward tells Bella he can’t have sex, he proposes to Bella, with a truly HIDEOUS looking ring.
  • Are we ready to believe that an epidemic of missing people in Seattle is not garnering more attention? I don’t understand how a horde of this many people could say hidden? People are dying and disappearing all over the place but all we get is some news reports. This just seems like something that local law enforcement would be all over. Have the young vampires kill a police officer or something.
  • There are two scenes where the werewolves and the vampires are fighting side-by-side.
    • The first scene is a training scene where the vampires are teaching the werewolves how to battle young vampires. Except, they don’t really actually tussle with the werewolves. This whole scene is just a reason to showcase Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), for he is the best fighter in the family and he has a tragic backstory.
    • There is a climactic battle between the youthful vampire army of Victoria and the united Cullen and the Quileute wolf pack. I will say it here, the battle is fine. I don’t have too many major gripes with the action that takes place. You have the required I am coming to save the day moments and a final showdown that has a quick but satisfying ending. I do think it is remarkably dumb that Edward didn’t go and fight in the battle as he should have. Don’t understand that. This dude could be good in battle and meanwhile he is lounging on top of the mountain.
      • Now I grant that eventually Edward does need to take on Victoria and Riley (Xavier Samuel) in a big battle that involves some sort of young werewolf that I don’t enjoy or care about. But the basis for the decision for Edward to stay on the mountain still infuriated me.
    • I do wish that somebody important died. That would have added some stage. 
  • There are less egregious shirtless scenes in this movie. There are still some, for sure, without a doubt, the amount of statue-esq posing in the wind shots are lessened by 50%.
  • How many times have the Cullens graduated high school?
  • I thought that the Cullens were leaving town, but then they came back? I don’t understand the Cullen family dynamic in the rainy Northwestern town.
  • How early was this in Bryce Dallas Howard’s career? I don’t remember her in Terminator: Salvation (2009) or Spider-Man 3 (2007). I guess she was in The Village (2004) too? Had no idea.
  • WE NEED MORE VOLTURI IN OUR LIVES!!!
    • We get a dose of them in Seattle spying on Victoria’s army and then a spooky appearance post battle at the end of the movie.
      • Are the Volturi stupid enough to believe that the Cullen family took down this rapid pack of youthful vampires? This is an example of youthful bad guys which is remarkably idiotic to me.
  • I really hate Alice and her powers. I don’t think it’s fair she can just have premonitions and know when bad guys are coming. I think that is cheating. It is such a macguffin that it is a convenient plot device to spring things forward. 
  • They did make Robert Pattinson hotter in this movie. They figured that out.
  • Taylor Lautner got better at acting in Eclipse than New Moon. Still not great, but a steady improvement.

This is my main take. Eclipse is the most muddled movie in the franchise in terms of plot and character development, and that is what makes it so much more enjoyable to watch. It is not giving you ANY reason to take any of it seriously. It is just telling you to not pay too much attention and just react. Eclipse gives the audience plenty to react to, most of which is face palms and emphatic “WTF” hands up in the air.

Eventually, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 will be watched. If I can selfishly wish for one more thing, let’s get more Volturi involved.

STANKO RATING: D

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.

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