Earlier this week ABC released the list of contestants who will be vying for Joey’s heart on the upcoming season of The Bachelor.But before we dive into those biographies which are surely punny and filled with vagaries, we must pause and reflect on the latest season of Bachelor In Paradise.

Season nine saw a lot of drama and three engagements at the end. There were tears, just as Jesse Palmer promised. There were also some happy moments, and some truly dumbfounding decisions.


Now let’s quickly revisit all the candidates who attempt to find love in Paradise. Some found it in short spurts, but in the end, it was a futile vacation for many.

Aaron Bryant

Aaron, sure you are a nice guy, but something about you just gives me goosebumps. I think it is how earnest you are with everything. Every little gesture has to be for a huge reason, and nothing can be “just because.” You fall hard and you fall fast. Eliza and Aaron were pretty steady throughout with just one blip on the radar. Aaron, I just don’t think I’d be friends with you. I just don’t think we’d vibe.

But I can’t judge you based solely on my subjective bias. You did last the whole time, and there was drama for a bit. You were successful. You got engaged. Sure, it didn’t last, but you played the game and you played it right.

Grade: B

Blake Moynes

I saw Blake in-person with Katie Thurston after they got engaged. They came to the Barstool office for Chicks in the Office, and I have to say that Blake is a fucking stud in person. And that was when he had the beard!

Blakes facial hair may have changed, and his maturity and demeanor has as well. Much more subdued that ever before, Blake is the older player on the beach, and he is definitely one of the wisest. Without a doubt. He is able to speak slowly and thoughtfully when things are getting stressful. And most of the time, the stress was not his fault.

Jess losing Blake is strictly her fault. She wasn’t 100% confident and she wanted to explore, which led to Blake going on a different on-on-one date. Now, they got back together, but the chemistry was never the same. Kylee also loved Blake, but that is for a different reason. Whatever reason that is.

Grade: B+

Brayden Bowers

Redemption arc! How about that for Brayden! We thought he would end the season with Rachel because we saw them together happy at the end of Charity’s season. In the end, he doesn’t end up with anyone from the beach…he is dating Christina from Zach’s season. In the post-paradise yearbook sequence, we see him playing with their family.

Brayden danced around a ton of relationships. He liked what he had with Kat to start, but that fizzled out. Then there was Rachel, and they had a great fucking date! It was cute! It was the happiest I ever saw Rachel on this franchise. Brayden brought it out of her, but Kat had to ruin it again with her birthday cringing. session.

Brayden ruined his own resume agreeing to go out with Becca. I don’t like her, and Brayden fell a bit in my power rankings. He went dancing with the devil too often and eventually got burned. But in terms of a redemption arc, that mission he accomplished with flying colors.

If things don’t work out with Christina, he will be back on the beach.

Grade: B

Eliza Isichei

Eliza made a fool of herself on the previous season of Bachelor in Paradise. This time around she held her own well, albeit that there was still lots of drama surrounding her.

Eliza and Aaron B. linked up pretty early quickly, and there was just one scratch on their rather happy-go-lucky relationship. Charity talked with Eliza and Aaron got worried but then he got Eliza her favorite breakfast and it was all fixed….

Did only really think that Eliza and Aaron were going to last? I think Eliza felt enamored with Aaron’s earnestness, which is intoxicating for a short time. However, when back in the real world, sometimes its the little things that mean most, and Aaron likes to make all the moments large ones.

But we are on the beach. We cannot look too far past what happened on the beach. She got engaged and she played the game, she did Paradise well. 

Grade: B

Jess Girod

Jess, why’d you do what you did?? You had it with Blake, but then you ruined it, and tried to get it back, but only to have the fish swim away, and then you tried to rope one or man in, but then that failed too. You were so invested in Blake that you scared yourself, and your anxiety got the best of you and your romantic chances.

I do remember Jess talking to Zach when she was a contestant on the show that she needed validation from him. That is the type of person she is, and that’s not a dig at all. With that personality, perhaps a show where people’s minds change faster than the tides isn’t the best idea.

Grade: C-

Kat Izzo

Back to back people on my list are absolute nightmares to grade. If you scroll down you see Kylee, who is her own choose-your-own-adventure, but first we have Kat to tackle.

Kat had the most tumultuous time on the beach. Hands down. Sorry Olivia, I know she kinda fucked you with John Henry, but Kat was bobbing up and down like she was a survivor off the Titanic looking for a rescue boat. You could hear her screams from across the beach. Literally, there were shots of fellow cast members looking up at where the people give their testimonials.

I do not think Kat is a good person. I know that is an asshole thing for me to say, but I am who I am, and this is my blog and what are the odds it is ever going to get back to someone who actually will be affected by my measly opinions. So, Kat is not a good person, but she is fucking great at television.

Kat is going through heartbreak, ON HER BIRTHDAY NO LESS, and giving us dramatic cake throwing hissy fits as well as puddle inducing whining. It is tough to watch, but also impossible to look away from. Tanner was right to walk away, and John Henry was a bit too foolish to realize. But you can’t be upset at John Henry. She has the Gisele Bündchen that many people like…. but I am not one of them. Sorry, not sorry.

Kat, I am not a big birthday person so once you started a tempest with your disapproval of Tanner being honest, I was out. You had a bit of a redemption arc, but that was a short fuse and the last of an explosion of romantic entanglements. You will get a good grade, but I do not want to see you on back on the beach.

Grade: B+

Kylee Russell

Kylee puts me in pretzel. I really despised her on the show, yet she was so good for the show.

Against my heart, I am going to have to give Kylee a good grade. She was part of Will falling into the wading pool, then she had the worst case of googly eyes ever with Aven. Then she got with Aven, got fixated on the idea of engagement, but then announces some feelings for Blake and proceeds to entertain a crush on him. BUT AVEN. They argue about what is needed in a relationship, and BOOM. They are together! But wait, they aren’t. Quick break-up after the fact. Kylee was a magnet for reactions. Even if some are negative.

Grade: A-

Mercedes Northup

Mercedes with Tyler never felt natural, SPECIALLY AFTER HE KISSED JESS AND THEY NEVER, EVER ADDRESSED IT!

Sorry, still don’t get that.

Mercedes was never the center of attention, but she was never far out of orbit. She was always hovering as the second storyline, and usually not in a positive aspect. Mercedes did seem well liked by most people, but once she and Tyler broke it off, she truly cut herself off in terms of romantic entanglements. There was a brief thought about Jordan Vandergriff, but it never mounted to much. I personally don’t count it.

Grade: C+

Olivia Lewis

The MVP of the show. This season of Bachelor in Paradise would have been a horrendous bore if not for the drama she caused, was a consequence of, or narrated. She was part of all the drama in the best way. She has the charisma of a boxing promoter guaranteeing you are about see a hell of a show.

Olivia was connected with Will and after heartbreak she got an olive branch to extend her time on the beach. It was a whirlwind of romance after that. A John Henry love triangle, teases at other relations and eventual partnership with Michael Barbour all were major timeline moments. Olivia is a producer’s dream. You don’t need to put any thought or effort in. Turn on the mic and let her go.

Thank you, Olivia. MVP.

Grade: A+

Peter Cappio

Uh, Peter lasted the whole time on the beach? How did he do that? He was the least known of the newcomers to the beach on day one, yet somehow he got in a steady relationship with a Candian and his pilot steered his way to the finnish.

What did Peter do along the way? I couldn’t tell you. I have no idea. Peter was invisible for most of the season, at least in terms of impact. But points for longevity.

Grade: C

Rachel Recchia

Rachel, you got a third chance, and I gotta say, you gave it your all. Sometimes you over thought things, but overall, Rachel danced on the beach as well as she could while being dealt a particularly bad set of cards.

The only hand she misplayed, or perhaps outplayed her, was Brayden. I mean this with all my heart; I was rooting so hard for her and Brayden. Their date seemed like a blast, and they arrived back the crowd with a fervor that was exciting and infectious. However, Kat immediatelly pissed on that. Boo hoo to that.

Rachel did leave on her own accord, which was probably the right thing to do. She tried with many people, including Tanner and Jordan and the end of things, but truly the end was too late. I was rooting for Jordan to work out with rachel because they had a one-on-one chance when she was the Bachelorette.

Grade: B-

Aven Jones

Alright, complicated one here.

I think Aven was more rational than Kylee whenever they were fighting about engagements, but now the question needs to be raised if he was just dragging out his argument, so he felt less guilty committing infidelity back in the real world.

Aven came down the steps onto the beach, started dating Kylee and then faded away to the shadows of background commentator. His importance to the show was relying on Kylee to be crazy, and that did make sure he got some sort of screen time. However, the arguments were always a little tough to watch, and now thinking about it in hindsight makes it even worse.

I think if you follow Bachelor in Paradise on social media then Aven gets a higher grade, but in terms of just the show, the grade is underwhelming.

Grade: C+

Tanner Courtad

A wasted opportunity. Tanner! You were the hot guy! You were the one! But alas, nothing could happen on the beach. Tanner is the quenissential hot dude who comes down and stirs things up, but failed relationships with Kat and potentially Jess and others mark a dissapointing sunburnt experience.

Grade: C-

Tyler Norris

It is time to make sure that Tyler Norris doesn’t appear in any more bachelor content on our televisions. Why? Because Tyler has the capability to make editors put in footage into a show and then completely forget about it to never address it again. YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT THE RANDOM KISS BETWEEN TYLER AND JESS.

But Tyler and Mercedes not working was mainly Tyler’s fault. Without a doubt, he was less invested. Viewers could notice this before it became a story line. The short man with impeccable abs hasn’t lived up to his potential billing. This is it. This is the end of the rode.

Grade: C-

John Henry

I want to call John Henry stupid, but he is too cute.to do that. He is the ultimate puppy dog of this show, and he just got led onto a leash towards and ending that seemed dreamy but never stood a chance. Of the three couples at the end of Paradise, John Henry and Kat did not have any shot.

John Henry is just cute, and he is a simple man and I mean that in the best way possible. He has a one-track mind, and not in a bad way. He seriously contemplates things, but only to a certain degree. I think John Henry would be a great friend to see every three months to lift your spirits.

But John Henry, your performance on Paradise wasn’t a stellar one. He got played in the game rather than playing the game himself.

Grade: C+

Samantha Picco

A Canadian who doesn’t like to say “sorry”. Wow, color me surprised! Samantha came in spitting fire and stirring the pot as someone nobody knew, but by the end she became just as invisible as Peter. It is a chase of becoming what you date, I guess? She was a good narrator at times, speaking the obvious truth. But with that being said, Olivia was just better at it than Samantha.

I was left wanting more.

Grade: C+

Michael Barbour

Michael came in very late and was able to make the best of a short situation. He scoped out Olivia and they sparked for a short fun time. It did seem as it Michael and Olivia had something to build on, but it was so short that it was totally understandable that it didn’t work in the long run. You can’t uproot your whole entire life for someone you knew for a few weeks, right?

Mike did have great rhythm and moves. He is a great meet at the bar guy and follow to the next place. But Mike got there too late to make a magnetic impact, and Olivia got a tad bit sucked in, but you can understand why.

Grade: B-

Brooklyn Willie

Only lasted two episodes and that is a bit shocking. She is hot. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She seems made for the beach!

Brooklyn just didn’t really hold hands with anyone. She never got close. But still liked her presence. Have nothing against her at all, just a tough at-bat.

Grade: D+

Cat Wong

Cat was there for one reason, and one reason only. To make you cringe.

I don’t like cringing.

Grade: F

Greer Blitzer

I find Greer very attractive. I don’t think anyone else does. That’s okay. She tried on Paradise, but after a tough showing on Zach’s season and this short outing, it may be time for Greer and Brooklyn to look for different avenues of love. But count me in your corner, Greer.

Grade: D

Sam Jeffries

This grade is not entirely Sam’s fault. I really just hated the Poop Gate saga. I hated every single second of it. It poisoned her relationship with the audience and Aaron Schwartzman. Their relationship became one of bits. And then Jesse hand to bring it in later as part of a group assemble. She did nothing wrong of her own volition. Her body just failed her.

Grade: D

Aaron Schwartzman

Aaron S. is an angry man. He gets frustrated by others fast, and when he has nothing to lose, he really lets it fly. He burst open the TRUTH BOX and stirred the pot immensely as he walked up the steps. His relationship with Sam was fine, had nothing against them together. Just proofed to be very tedious to watch.

Grade: C-

Sean McLaughlin

I watched Barbie (2023) last night, and real-life Ken is an insult to movie Ken. Sean never stood a shot. His attitude didn’t seem right, and the fact that he left his job for this chance is perhaps not the best life choice. The former Barstool intern tried multiple different connections, but he was not around long enough to have funny captions or lower thirds.

Grade: C-

Will Urena

Will tried taking Kylee on a date, and that didn’t work out. Then he pursued Mercedes, and that didn’t catch either. He was eliminated in week two, so barely enough time to get a tan. He just swung and missed in both his at-beats.

Grade: D+

John Buresh

I am rather shocked that John lasted (checks watch) two seconds on Paradise? This man is attractive and is charismatic as hell. Eliza went on the date with him but Aaron proved to be too much of a pull for her. I hope the best for John. I’d like to see him again.

Grade: D+

Davia Bunch

Oh Davia, I still remember you in that green dress. Tanner is a FOOL for not picking you! You got caught in the Kat war zone and hit with some shrapnel. Brutal loss for the beach, and me personally. But Davia, you were great while you were on the show, even it was for a short time.

Grade: B

Becca Serrano

I hated Becca right from the jump. It probably was not fair how much I hated her, but from the first second I saw her, I knew I didn’t like her. I sensed an air of self-importance around her, and as soon as she started talking, I started to get remarkably annoyed. She spoke in greater platitudes and vagaries than even the most egregious Paradise visitors.

Then there is the fact that she broke up Brayden and Rachel, and then just FUCKING LEFT. I do not think that she was liked by many, and I am projecting. I am not a big fan of Becca. Not at all.

Grade: F

Genevie Mayo

Why couldn’t Genevie and Blake work? They seemed like they had a good time. They kissed. They are both kind souls. They are both hot as hell. Unfortunately, Genevie turned into more a truth pill for Blake, for better or for worse. I wish we traded you for some of the crazies on the beach, but that would not have pleased production. Too normal for this show. But during her short run, her quiet voice made a great impact.

Grade: B

Katie Thurston

Every single time Katie Thurston is mentioned, I have to cringe. I used to like Katie a lot. I was a huge fan. She was a breath of fresh air and I am man enough to say that I find her attractive. However, her time in the Bachelor Universe has been less than stellar since her time as a contestant, and knowing she was a contestant on FBoy Island, there was not a major reason to care about her time on the beach.

Katie’s time on the beach was bad…and her jokes were even worse. She made things messy with Blake. Their conversation was not terrible, but it was not pleasant either. Blake was really upset about it. He was distraught. It affected things with Jess, and we all know how that relationship ended up.

Katie also hosted the roast, which the guys were okay with, and the girls were not. Who could have guessed that?? Anyone could have. Absolutely anyone. It was not a shining moment for anyone involved really, including our beloved Jesse Palmer.

Grade: D

Charity Lawson

It is always nice to see Chairty. We like Charity. We root for Charity’s happiness. With that being said, her visit to the beach was not entirely necessary. She was there as a sounding board for Eliza to express her concerns. Charity didn’t do much, or I should say we did not hear many substantial things for her. In terms of Bachelorette contestants appearing on the beach, she was not the worst. But shew as also was forgettable.

Grade: C

Jordan Vandergriff

Not enough time with Jordan on the beach. He didn’t arrive with anyone really interested, and his final conversations with Mercedes were an exercise in futility. Jordan would have been the hottest guy on the beach if he arrived earlier, but Tanner took that away from him. Unfortunately, he was just victim of timing.

Grade: B-

Taylor Pegg

I forgot about Taylor Pegg. Till right now.

Grade: F

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