Movies…with a little bit of obscure culture and sports mixed in
“Scott Lang and Hope Van Dyne are dragged into the Quantum Realm, along with Hope’s parents and Scott’s daughter Cassie. Together they must find a way to escape, but what […]
“Scott Lang and Hope Van Dyne are dragged into the Quantum Realm, along with Hope’s parents and Scott’s daughter Cassie. Together they must find a way to escape, but what secrets is Hope’s mother hiding? And who is the mysterious Kang?”
Director: Peyton Reed
Writers: Jeff Loveness, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber
Staring: Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michael Douglas, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jonathan Majors, Katheryn Newton, Corey Stoll, Bill Murray, Katy M. O’Brian
Release Date: February, 17, 2023
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023) – IMDb
What an absolutely putrid pile of CGI stained dog shit. For the love of all that people consider holy, what the fuck was this absolutely deplorable piece of unentertaining and remarkably unfunny piece of trash?
I know, I know. You are probably thinking “Stanko, why are you being so hard on this movie?” Well, the truth is that Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023) is an objectively terrible movie that is written, staged and presented to the audience without an ounce of originality, inspiration or excitement.
As I am writing this reaction, Kang, that bad guy, just delivered the line “You talk to ants.” as menacing as he possibly could. It didn’t work. At all. Naturally the inserted-late plot point of Henry’s (Michael Douglas) ants surviving proves to be the turning point in the final battle, and now M.O.D.O.K. comes screaming in saying he is not a dick and making terrible jokes about being an Avenger.
I mean, fuck. I know I am not the Marvel stan many are and many deem my a hater on the franchise, but no one can objectively think that Quantumania is a good movie, right? It isn’t funny. The action is bad. The CTI looks terrible and the best part of the movie is now a possibly problematic actor who may never appear in this cinematic universe ever again. This movie is missing all the swings it takes.
Even as I am watching Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) battle it out with Kang (Jonathan Majors) without his suit, I can only think about how generic the “heroic” score is.
I would also like a word-counter for how many times Cassie (Katheryn Newton) screams “Dad” in this movie. SHEESH!
So what the hell was Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania even about?
Scott Lang, Hope Van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly), Dr. Hank Pynn, Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Cassie are all sucked into the quantum realm, which for those who don’t know is a subatomic realm that holds little civilizations of its own.
Cassie, unbeknownst to anyone (including herself), accidently made it possible to communicate between the real world and the teeny-tiny world. Within this beyond microscopic world is a man called Kang (Jonathan Majors), and he is a conqueror of worlds. Janet Van Dyne helped Kang out while she was trapped in the Quantum realm, but when she learned of his past and true nature, she abandoned him. Unfortunately for her, Kang holds some pretty severe grudges.
Our heroes meet various different personalities while trying to make their ways home, all of whom are forgettable characters that give no reason to ever appear in the Marvel cinematic universe. Sorry, but it is true.
Billy Murray pops up as a socialite who has sided with the devil, and Katy M. O’Brian is the leader of an outcast tribe constantly on the run from Kang. While the rag-tag group of funky looking aliens play a part in the film’s finale, there is no need to remember them or care about them.
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania eventually pins Ant-Man against Kang, the multidimensional conqueror of worlds. Naturally it isn’t just the will of one man, but the power of family and friendship that propels benevolence of malevolence.
The Ant-Man character and story arc has always been a bit more based on family and relationships more-so that big-time plot of set pieces, and the ending of Quantumania tries to lasso it all together.
I am here to say from the mountain top that it fails. Mightly.
The best part of Paul Rudd’s first two solo Marvel films are that they are self-contained, grounded on earth (mostly) and focused more on positive fun vibes rather than world building. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania has the dubious honor of being a stepping stone movie, and Marvel has to be cringing at the fact that one of its foundational pieces for the future begins crumbling right from the jump.
Aye caramba man. The most distressing part of this fumbled comedy adventure experience is that it feels rushed. The scenes seem stitched together, and with the amount of time the characters are separated from one another, it feels as if the actors didn’t get in a great flow with another. I get it that acting in front of a green screen the entire time is not an easy task, but the energy from the actors and their chemistry with one another is severely downgraded compared to the previous two Ant-Man films.
One of the most crammed portions of Quantumania is M.O.D.O.K.Standing for Mental / Mobile / Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing, the robotic Robin character to Kang is actually the face of Darren Cross, the villain from Ant-Man (2015). Why did we need him back? Were people clamoring for him? I am not in the Marvel zeitgeist so maybe I am just not hip to it. I imagine that nobody wanted to see a rushed character arc of self appreciation of love. I imagine nobody wanted to hear a horrendous dick joke shared between him and Cassie.
Remember, there is always time to learn to not be a dick.
You know who might be a dick? Jonathan Majors.
Majors is facing misdemeanor charges of harassment and assault after his surprise arrest in New York city in late March. His former romantic partner accused Major of assaulting her while they traveled to his Manhattan apartment. The police were called and she was found with minor injuries to her head and neck. Majors has been adamant in his denial of the allegations.
The court date for Majors has been set for October 25th, which is more than a few weeks after the premiere of Loki season two on Disney+ where Major is reprising his role of Kang. After that there is a planned 2026 Avengers movie called Avengers: The Kang Dynasty.
So to put it kindly, Marvel has a lot riding on Majors, and they are most definitely hoping that the court proceedings unfold in a way where they won’t look like money hoarders if they use him in future projects. It is a sticky situation to be in, for we saw DC’s The Flash (2023) suffer at the box office due in some part to it’s star Ezra Miller not being able to promote the movie because of his own legal issues.
While DC is still floundering on the big screen, Marvel is in a bit of a slump of its own. I am watching some of these movies out of order, but from the most recent batch, you have the disappointment of Eternals (2021), the divisive Doctor Strange In The Multiverse Of Madness (2022), the disappointing Thor: Love And Thunder (2022), the bad Black Panther: Wakanda Frover (2023) followed by Quantumania.
Again, I readily admit that I have not kept up like the Dickens on all things Marvel, but I read and hear enough to know that they needed a win like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023).
The funny thing is that Vol. 3 is directed by James Gunn, the man who is in charge of fixing DC.
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is emblematic of the problems that Marvel is having. It is trying to coast, but there are no waves to carry it to shore. The story is anchored by its place in the Marvel timeline and the rusted storyline doldrums.
As of mid-September 2023, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is streaming on Disney+.
STANKO RATING: D
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