THE BEGINNING THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS Okay, now let’s get to the worst part of the television show. NEHEMIAH When the Nehemiah experiment was announced online, I was all in favor. […]
THE BEGINNING
I am excited that The Bachelorette is back. The long break was a good thing and it got me excited to scream at my television again about the idiocy of humanity.
Charity being The Bachelorette is a perfectly adequate casting. When it was announced that she would be The Bachelorette during the finale of Zach’s season, I had a casual shrug of the shoulders and a thought of “sure, why not.”
The promotions for Charity’s season seemed very Alice In Wonderland-ish. The Tim Burton style. The roses, the red, and the throne are all very staged.
The “get to know” Charity segment had me a little perturbed because her interviews were in a blue shirt but her B-roll had her in a green shirt. I get that they were probably taped at different times, but trick the audience and let them think it was all a one-day adventure throughout her hometown.
I say this in the best way possible: Charity is bad a b-roll. You can tell that she knows she is being taped. You can tell that she is over-acting a smidge when she is frolicking on the beach. This is how a normal person would be if they were being taped doing random, absurd things.
THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS
We are at the mansion and it is indeed pouring. Jesse mentioned how it looks a little different and he wasn’t lying that the cover was needed. You could see it with the first limo pulling up and then by the end it was a downpour.
How many of the men were upset that they had to get their suits wet when walking to her?
I love Jesse Palmer. I’ll say it. Just outstanding at his job. We do not get a lot of him this episode, and that is okay. He played the perfect small role.
Overall, the limo introductions really were not bad at all. There weren’t any cringe entrances, and only a handful of cringe people. And one that was really bad. You know who I am talking about.
The first person to step out of the limo was Aaron B.
The first of many men to be wearing a pink tie. That was a theme throughout the night.
He did say that he is called A-A-ron…which was a really bad take.
Aaron got a package that included he likes playing piano (which we would see later), photography and going to the beach.
The big gimmick that Aaron B. had was the coin…and it was for sure a double-sided coin, right? No doubt.
Josh is up next and he does a hand on his heart speech. It was very dramatic, but Charity liked it. She gave a cheesy double thumbs up after Josh which is something that I would do.
Joey is a damn good looking dude. Philly to Hawaii, he seems like a very easy hang. I also think that he looks a lot like Brendan Jones…all you few Barstool employees reading this may see it too.
Joey ends up commenting a lot about how short he is compared to everyone else, but as a tennis player you gotta be a little bit shorter, right? There are not many, many giants on the court.
Charity liked the concept of the left ear with the flower. She found that very clever.
Warwick comes in with a fake plane ticket to Ohio where his parents live. I don’t love bringing in the parents right away, but hey, Charity didn’t seem to mind it.
I forgot that he had this moment during the rose ceremony so I was SHOCKED that he advanced.
Xavier is a science nerd finishing his doctorate degree. His inspiration is his mom, and that is sweet.
Emma (my fiancée) notes how Xavier is the perfect science guy because he doesn’t know how to talk. At Least not charismatically.
Emma also screamed that his ukelele was not tuned properly.
Caleb A. had a stethoscope gimmick which was fine. It was perfectly normal cheesiness.
Now we have some rapid-fire introductions…so get ready.
Khalid mentions the idea that Charity’s name means love
Nic…who I do not remember at all. Not a damn thing about him.
John Henry is the underwater elder and he came wearing a helmet.
This was the only gimmick that really stood out as not the best. But still it is his job and he didn’t stick with wearing the helmet. He took it off right away.
Aaron S. is a firefighter and he kinda looks like a younger version of my Uncle Marty.
Is it a thing to make a wish on any candle?
Tanner is a Pittsburgh guy so he had a terrible towel gimmick.
The towel looks like a high school home-education product.
I think that the last of the rapid fire men was Chris, who is the Guinness World Record holder for jumping…freaking nuts. And he can jump. He jumps a lot. He jumps too much.
I guess it was Nic (according to Entertainment Weekly) who made the good HR joke.
We are back to some normally paced limo entrances, and the first of them is Brayden. Brayden came with “shots”, of the alcohol variety. Playing into his job as a nurse, this definitely helped loosen Charity up.
Then there is Spencer. I am terrified of Spencer. I can not watch him on TV. I literally did the “La-La-La-La” scream with thumbs in my ears.
I am so sorry, but Spencer is just too awkward. Maybe he was super duper nervous. Regardless, very hard for me to be a fan of Spencer since I can’t watch him without wanting to die.
Caleb B. is a professional wrester. He is here for a short time, not a long time.
I did not like his suit. At all. Was not a fan. But I admit that he can pull off the cowboy hat well.
And a final batch of rapid-fire introductions. Let’s go!
There is Joe…and I don’t know anything about him
Kaleb K. is the third Caleb/Kaleb of the cast and that has to be a record
I don’t remember a think about Adrian.
James is an attorney, and that’s all I’ve got.
Peter is a pilot…PILOT PETE, REDUX.
I think this is the end of the rapid fire introductions, so we are diving back into some heavy hitters.
Michael is a yacht captain and he gifted Charity a charm bracelet. Is this a comeback for Pandora?
Taylor comes ouf of the Limo filming himself making a home film saying to their futre kids that he is meeting his wife.
I do think this was kinda a sweet idea. Charity seemed to really like it.
Sean…AKA BARSTOOL INTERN (formely)
He had a check as if he had won a giant sweepstakes to give to Chairty. Admitteldy this a good idea. I don’t hate the plan.
John follows Sean up with another cute idea, a fortune cookie!
What was on the slip inside the cookie was outstanding: “You will meet the man of your dreams tonight. His name is John.”
Duton. I am in love with Duton. He comes out of the limo like a gentle giant and immediatelly he and Charity hit it off incredibly well. His nervousness was adorbale. He is a humble fellow. We love it.
Okay, now let’s get to the worst part of the television show.
NEHEMIAH
When the Nehemiah experiment was announced online, I was all in favor. I thought this switcheroo would be a great curveball into the generic first day evening. Specially with this opening episode…there isn’t a ton of strange things happening. No super crazy entrances and only one super-duper awkwward exchange. It was all…normal.
So, the TLDR is that we needed the Nehemiah (Charity’s older brother for the uninitiated) act to be a crowd pleaser.
It was not. There was nothing that engaging about Nehemiah being a bartender for the fellas. Donning his fake mustache and bad wig, Nehemiah was subtly asking the young men questions about the night, themselves, and Charity, looking for any insight as t their character.
Turns out most of the men are nice. And the only man that Nehemiah didn’t like was Brayden, because Brayden was gitty like a school-child after having just made out with Charity.
There are other odds and ends about Nehemiah’s time, but I don’t want to dive too deep into those because frankly I just don’t care. I didn’t find any of his antics amusing. The best bit of his time on screen was when he told Charity that he felt Brayden was being bragadoceous about kissing her…and it had none of the effect that he was hoping for. Literally, none at all. Charity, on the other hand, saw this confidence and happiness of Brayden as a major attraction point, and frankly it is a large part of Baryden getting the first impression rose.
I don’t want any more Nehemiah this season until hometowns, where he will surely still be too intense and over proactive.
RANDOM OPENING NIGHT THOUGHTS
Charity really, really, reallllyyyy wanted to make out with Joey. He was either too nervous or didn’t pick up the signs. Joey is here to say and he is going to be staying for a long time.
I do think that her cuddling onto his shoulder was very sweet.
James has a chat with Charity and there is a letter from her mother to Charity as well as some donuts.
Donuts is not a bad idea, but the letter from the mom being read aloud was a little awkward.
Perhaps I am wrong because Charity seemed to love it.
Xavier is next, and Xavier is a man. He is just a real dude. I have the utmost faith that he is not going to do something stupid in this show. Xavier, please do not let me down.
Xavier does get the first kiss. Charity was ready for it.
John says that he values Charity’s relationship with her brother because he has the same kind of love for his sisters. That is approval for a kiss.
I think John is stealthy deep run threat.
Chris is jumping on shit. He should stop doing that.
Wrestler Caleb is joining in the fun now.
This is like a talent show with the guys trying to impress all the girls with their silly tricks.
I actually do like that Aaron S. called this like mating on the Animal Planet.
This has to be a reference in some way to Mean Girls right?
Aaron S. and Charity played some carnival games with rubber duckies. Physical activity is good and playing with fire extinguishers is fun.
Spencer. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.
He tells Charity that he is a father, and that is a big deal.
Charity takes this information and responds to it well.
Spencer thinks they shared a huge moment, but rather it was a cordial one.
Aaron B. comes out playing on the piano. I don’t love that. I think it is very cheesy. It just looks so silly, visually that is.
He brings out the double-sided coin and naturally it lands on head so a kiss is incoming.
I mentioned already that Brayden and Charity hit off well, and they fucking hit it off great. They kiss…A LOT. Like a LOT, LOT.
Charity likes putting the hands on the face. That is her move.
So at this point I have already spoiled it. Charity gives Brayden the first impression rose. Even after everything Nehemiah said. Still Brayden gets the coveted rose.
Charity played some games with Brayden too. She called him off to the side after talking with her brother, and then she really slow-rolled the rose coming out from behind her feathery shawl (which I was not a fan of).
ROSE CEREMONY
Nothing really exciting happened. Run of the mill rose ceremony.
I am so sorry. I hope he calms down a smidge come week two.
No. 18 Kaleb K.
(Last Week N/A)
I will ay it, I am shocked that he got through.
No. 17 Warwick
(Last Week N/A)
I totally forgot about Warwick. When he got a rose I needed to revisit my notes.
No. 16 Aaron S.
(Last Week N/A)
Seemed like kind of an asshole? Is he going to be the villain? I think he is a stealth choice.
No. 15 Caleb A.
(Last Week N/A)
One of the Calebs of the crew. Which will be the strongest.
No. 14 James
(Last Week N/A)
James reminds me a little bit of Jordan V. from Gabby and Rachel’s season.ca
No. 13 Adrian
(Last Week N/A)
I do not recall anything Adrian did.
No. 12 Sean
(Last Week N/A)
The previews make Sean look like a villain. I think this is a little bait, and switch, but we will see.
No. 11 Josh
(Last Week N/A)
He has good fashion…but did he really do anything? He was just very dramatic.
No. 10 Caleb B.
(Last Week N/A)
Caleb B. is her for a fun time, but a short time.
No. 9 John Henry
(Last Week N/A)
He is attractive…but did we see him do anything in the first episode?
No. 8 Tanner
(Last Week N/A)
Is Tanner a dark horse? He got more time that I would have thought.
No. 7 Michael
(Last Week N/A)
Michael looks like a boat captain. He said in his bi that he is. sentimental gifts guy…and that. is what he gave her.k
No. 6 Aaron B.
(Last Week N/A)
Strong first appearance out of the limo, but really didn’t like the singing to Charity
No. 5 Brayden
(Last Week N/A)
The first impression rose is a huge, but his puppy dog energy energy has a path to become very annoying. Also, we all saw how many earrings he has, right? It is like a women’s equivalent to packing bathing suits.
No. 4 Xavier
(Last Week N/A)
I want Xavier to babysit my future kids. I trust him.
No. 3 John
(Last Week N/A)
Sleeper agent here. I think John is going to last a long time.tann
No. 2 Dotun
(Last Week N/A)
Dotun was my biggest surprise this week. I said in my first bio read of him that I think I would like him, but damn did he make a great first impression.
No. 1 Joey
(Last Week N/A)
Joey is hot, easy to talk to, and deprecating. This is an outstanding combination.
The Bachelorette‘s next episode is Monday, July 3, 2023.
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