“A puppet is brought to life by a fairy, who assigns him to lead a virtuous life in order to become a real boy.”

Director: Robert Zemeckis
Writers: Robert Zemeckis, Chris Weitz, Carlo Collodi
Staring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hanks, Benjamin Evan Ainsworth, Angus Wright, Cynthia Erivo, Keegan-Michael Key
Release Date: September 8, 2022

What an atrocious piece of shit. What a fucking awful movie. Pinnochio is an absolute brain dead piece of cinema that doesn’t deserve to be consumed by anyone’s eyes.

Who asked for this? Who asked for a live-action remake of one of Disney’s least likeable originals?

And Robert Zemeckis…do we have to have a conversation? His last four big budget movies are The Walk (2015), Welcome To Marwen (2018), The Witches (2020), and Pinocchio. All four of these movies are forgettable and more criminally…boring. Zemeckis did have Flight (2012) which got two Oscar nominations…but before that he had A Christmas Carol (2009) and Beowulf (2007) AND The Polar Express (2004).

Robert Zemeckis does not deserve any benefit of the doubt.

Getting back to this long-nosed piece of trash. Pinocchio is so bad that I fell asleep watching it, twice. It wasn’t a Oh, I am getting tired so I should rest my eyes. It was a Oh shit, what happened and how did I get here? nap. The movie is a dull-drum of boring shots, bad voice acting, and even worse animation. It has the wasted talented of Tom Hanks and (more criminally) Cynthia Erivo.

Hanks plays the part of Geppetto, and I think he might be held at gun point. The year 2022 was a bad year for America’s favorite actor. Sure, he was part of the immensely successful Elvis (2022), but every who has seen the movie knows that Hanks was the worst part of it as Colonel Tom Parker. He needed a bounce back, but Pinocchio is just a dead backboard. He bricked it. He had no chance.

Pinocchio just seems like D-tier Hanks project and performance. What is it about this project that appealed to Hanks? I want to know. Is it Zemeckis himself? Is it it the new technology Zemeckis is working with? According to ET:  I know way too much about Pinocchio because I played Walt Disney in Saving Mr. Banks, so, I already did a prime study on it — I was ready to hit it,” Hanks revealed.

An there is the aforementioned technology: “Not only just all the updated versions that you’re gonna get from this, but also to have Bob’s fingers on the technology, that of today, is equal to the multi-plane camera that Walt Disney — and this was the first movie that used the multi-plane camera back in 1941, and then they lost half the world to a little box office — half the world for a little thing called World War II. So, there’s all sorts of history that’s just jammed in it, and I wasn’t about to let that slide by.”

This is just a public relations class that everyone should watch and study. Bring it back to a project to people liked with Saving Mr. Banks (2013), and remind them of the new with the technology. This Pinocchio project is an instance where love blinded Hanks. His apparent affection for the Disney corporation, and “Bob”, sent him down a dead end path.

This is the fourth movie that Hanks and Zemeckis have made together, and it is very simply the worst thus far. It began with a respectable (though overrated) note in Forrest Gump (1994). Six years later it was Hanks riding solo for two hours with Cast Away (2000), which is the best of the four projects. In 2004 Zemeckis tried something new with The Polar Express, and the only thing I remember from that is when Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers (2022) had a great joke making fun of that animated style.

Pinocchio is a dreadful movie. It is quite bad, and I am tired of writing about it. Do not watch it. I beg of you, please watch Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio (2022) which is a thousand times better in literally every fasciate.

If you want to torture yourself, then Pinocchio is streaming on Disney+.

STANKO RATING: F+ (1.0/5 Stars)

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