We had a week off but Bachelor Nation does not rest. Bachelor In Paradise is back after two years with the same relaxed, fun and flirty atmosphere. The first episode is always fairly kumbaya for everyone arriving at the beach. Who wouldn’t be happy to be on camera around other beautiful people while drinking and relaxing? Based off the preview at the end of this season premiere episode, the drama will increase, as will the amount of Bachelor Nation personalities who dip their toe into the sand. But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let’s dive into the season premiere and everyone involved.

Every time I see Lil John in a preview for the season I mutter to myself, “I always forget he is going to be around this season.” Lil John also did the voiceover to open up the season and the party vibes were real right from the jump. His voice just brings out someone’s desire to let it fly a little bit.

It took 10 minutes before we had our first possible love triangle. There was tension right away. After Abigail arrived with her cuteness on the beach, Ivan and Grocery Store Joe (no longer owns a grocery store, though) bring their own heat. Abigail asks who they are interested to see, and they both said that Serena P. was at the top of their list. There is an awkward silence for a split second, and then it gets amplified when (very conveniently) Serena P. walks down the stairs. So begins the drama.

The pace picks up with all the men and women arriving on the beach. Victoria arrives in her goddess outfit and it is…something. One has to admit she looks a lot better with the blond hair and she does seem in a little bit of a better headspace, but that doesn’t make her that much more tolerable. The crown (or whatever you call it) is a weird look but it is very sun god-esq. Mari comes down and she is looking good. Also the fact that she is younger than my girlfriend is crazy. Kelsey comes back with the champagne and she looks freaking beautiful. It is shocking to me that she has not gotten interest from that many people!

Continuing the people arriving on the beach. Connor B. is way to attached to his guitar and we saw it twice before the first commercial break, or at least it felt like that was the case. Jessenia looks so fucking cute and she is so fucking tan. She has to have sun poisoning. But she has a sense of style that’ll captivate someone. It was brutal they showed Matt’s “Thanks for sharing that with me.” with her intro. One person everyone was thankful for walking on the beach was Brendan. The editing of the monkeys and birds howling upon his entrance is very symbolic.

I am very happy to see Natasha again and her sassiness. I am not excited to see Tahzjuan back, but I have to admit that my curiosity was peaked when she started talking to Tre and she said she dated his uncle! What the hell is that?! In what world? Also speaking of Tre, he and Aaron are back so the gossiping duo is ready to create some unnecessary arguements. And now back to Tahzjaun, I totally forgot about the pasta in the pool from two years ago when she was on.

Aaron is built like a Greek God but Kenny stole the show just being nude and having far too much confidence. There is no way he was actually nude the entire time, but still to walk around with a thong or sock is nuts. His mic pack has to be attached to something! I can not believe that he is 40 years old. On the opposite side of the dressing spectrum was Grocery Store Joe in his gym outfit. He got ripped to shreds a little, but I appreciate the lack of effort. He is who he is! Though it probably didn’t help him being in his own head for the majority of the episode.

We have fucking Karl and his pompous ass being a dick right away. Not telling people his name and wearing the least beach outfit for being on a beach and bragging that his shoes are water proof. He nicknamed himself K-Swiss which is terrible. He is the worst. He is worse than Victoria. Victoria is at least somewhat self aware. Karl thinks he is cool. Tahzjuan has the right idea that he is a piece of trash.

Someone who has risen from the ashes and is no longer trash is Noah. He arrived at Paradise with a new more improved look and had his eyes directly set on Abigail. He has a relationship and deep empathy for Abigail’s hearing handicap and that is a real thing the two can connect on. The pair hit it off and go on a one-on-one date…but it is not the smoothest of times. Abby (does she like that nickname?) talked how she is used to putting guys in the friends zone and then how she takes relationships slow. Noah tried to push back a little and after some initial awkward staging the two did appear to hammer it out and there were some fireworks.

There were a lot of fireworks between a lot of people. So much making out. So many people coupled up the first night. Imagine not coupling up and being in the minority? That has to pull at you so hard. Kelsey made a more conscious effort on day two to mingle more, but Victoria was just frustrated that her “five second rule” of smiling didn’t tractor-beam anyone in. No one was on her spiritual level, according to her. In the first week, it is these women who have to be on edge because the men have the power of the roses and three women are being sent home.

There were two people I had no idea who they were: Tammy and Deandra. No idea. No opinions.

Before ending we have to touch on the guest host David Spade and the crowd favorite, Wells. Spade was delightful and perfectly self-aware. He poked fun at himself and was not afraid of the spotlight with the embarrassing champagne opening. Also, are he and Demi going to fuck? I also loved David Spade’s “family meeting” to gather everyone. In terms of Wells, this guy is going to be the new face of the franchise. He was giving the lowdown to Spade near the end of the episode and was empathizing with the people in sticky situations.

Also a massive shoutout has to be given to the graphics producers and the lower thirds during the episode. The straight to the point labeling of individuals and poking fun at the absurdity of some people’s strategy to get noticed.

Other random tidbits

  • Based off the preview for the upcoming season, there are going to be multiple proposals?
  • Demi is a master of chaos and her entrance at the end of the episode means more talking points are coming.
  • Ivan and Brendan need to be humbled a smidge…they both know their shit don’t stink in the eyes of the women.
  • Joe and Kendall’s relationship and break-up is sad. They dated for two years and actually looked like they were going to work. When Kendall comes back during this season it is going to be devastating to watch.
  • Aaron and Box Guy (I don’t want to look up his name) were wearing the same swim trunks. All are trying to get up on the fashion.
  • The actually showed people eating and wolfing down tacos. Finally relatable content.
  • All things are far too kumbaya for now. It all needs to explode up in some way.
  • Connor and Joe both saved nearly messy situations. They ended up with partners but needed to make a save first.

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