Stanko's Stance

“When two girls disappear into the woods and return three days later with no memory of what happened to them, the father of one girl seeks out Chris MacNeil, who’s been forever altered by what happened to her daughter fifty years ago.”

Director: David Gordon Green
Writers: Peter Sattler, David Gordon Green, Scott Teems, Danny McBride
Starring: Leslie Odom Jr., Ann Dowd, Ellen Burstyn, Olivia Marcum
Release Date: October 27, 2023
IMDB

What an absolute shit movie. Sorry to be blunt, but there are no other words to describe this abhorrent attempt at a franchise reboot. The Exorcist: Believer (2023) is one of the worst movies of last year and will forever have the reputation of being a disgusting stain on an all-time classic.

Harsh, I know, but my feelings are valid, and true.

Director and writer David Gordon Green took a stab at revitalizing Michael Myers with a new trilogy and had a rocky road. Halloween (2018) was not in the same tier as John Carpenter’s 1978 original, but what could ever be.  Then Halloween Kills (2021) happened and confidence was severely shaken. The attempts to get things back on track with Halloween Ends (2022) was a step in the right direction, but ultimately the conclusion fell on its face.

Now with The Exorcist: Believer, Gordon Green set his sights on rebaptizing The Exorcist (1973). Not only is William Friedkin’s original masterpiece one of the scariest movies ever made, it is also one of the most critically acclaimed nightmares with two Oscar wins and 10 nominations.

Halloween is a cult classic and a genre definer, but The Exorcist is Mount Rushmore material and arguably the greatest ever of the horror ilk.

And The Exorcist: Believer vomits green pea dribble all in its idol’s face. 

Angela Fielding (Lidya Jewett) and Katherine (Olivia O’Neill) are two teenage friends who pull the classic venture into the woods and disappear for three days. The two girls emerge from the woods with obvious signs of demonic possession. Angela’s single father Victor (Leslie Odom Jr.) doesn’t know where to turn for help, but he finds hope reaching out to Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn).

Fuck.

The movie is bad, that’s etched into stone by not only critics but also general audiences. No one was made a believer by The Exorcist: The Believer. One could belabor the facts that the movie is not scary, poorly acted, and alarmingly boring. I won’t do that. I will direct my anger toward a more personal attack. Toward a horrendous story decision that proves David Gordon Green has lost his way as the franchise rebooter whisperer.

Bringing back the character Chris MacNeil in this way for The Exorcist: The Believer is the film’s biggest sin. The way she is introduced into the story is beyond lazy and remarkably unoriginal. The four writers credited with writing this movie should have to go to detention for the way they treated Chris. Ellen Burstyn was nominated for Best Actress for this role, yet the character she made her own is rolled into this particular story with the same amount of fanfare as an unimportant easter egg.

Where’s the camera, let me cook for a second.

David Gordon Green. Yes, I am referring to you by your full name. Yes, you are in trouble. 

Do you know why your first Halloween was the most successful and revered among your last trilogy of films? Sure, nostalgia plays a part, but that’s not all.

You took a swing, David. You took a hack at expectations and made the Laurie Strode character the centerpoint of the story. You let Jamie Lee Curtis go balls-to-the-walls changing everyone’s perception from the innocent babysitter we expected her to be. Michael Myers has his moments in the sun, but everyone else of import revolves around Laurie Strode. The thematic ending to your Halloween takes place in Laurie’s house and uses her construction of hell in a literal way.

So I ask you this, WHY would you abandon this formula for this film? WHY, DAVID?? Why???

Chris gets blinded in brutal fashion in The Exorcist: The Believer, which is most symbolic to the blindness of the filmmakers when it came to the story’s plot points. After Chris’s vision is taken away from her, she is shooed off to the side until the end of the film.

Shall we tack on another terrible decision to the resume of this movie?

Bringing Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) back to reunite with her mother is a fucking outrageous choice. The filmmakers short-riffed the audience giving us an exposition dump about their relationship, but then expected us to care when they eventually held hands in the end? Really, we are meant to feel something in that moment? It’s impossible to feel even an iota of care for either MacNeil character.

Also, The Exorcist: Believer is meant to be the first of a trilogy of films, so you are going to give us this reunion in this short-straw haberdashery way?

How about this? Hear me out.

How about the start of The Exorcist: Believer is something revolving around Regan as a young adult. We can ignore the cannon of the sequels, let’s just try and build something out here. Perhaps Regan’s coming of age results in a hidden truth that Chris held from Regan. As a consequence, their relationship is shattered. Fast forward and Chris is alone in the world haunted more by the events of Regan’s youth than her child herself. Now the character who was once a respected actress is aged and pretending to be all knowing on the subject just to pass her dwindling days.

Anything would have been better than the dwindling tethers of a plot that makes mistakes connecting back to its source material. At the end of The Exorcist: The Believer, the credits call the demon Lamashtu, which means that when it sees Chris McNeil in the film and says “We’ve met before”, it is a gaff. A gaff that deserves the wrath of Pazuzu.

You know who casted evil on The Exorcist: The Believer with the evil of a million black-eyed souls? William Fucking Friedkin.

Check out this quote from Friedkin acquired by film critic Ed Whitfield:

“William Friedkin once said to me, “Ed, the guy who made these new ‘Halloween’ is about to make one to my movie, “The Exorcist.” That’s right, my signature film is about to be extended by the man who made “Pineapple Express.” I don’t want to be around when that happens. But if there’s a spirit world, and I come back, I plan to possess David Gordon Green and make his life a living hell.”

William Friedkin

WHOOF! RUTHLESS!

Friedkin was known as a unique character who took some getting used to before his passing, but can you imagine David Gordon Green reading this quote as his film is getting panned? That has to be a gut punch.

The first jab to the nose for Gordon Green may have been when Ellen Burstyn initially told the director “Hell no.” According to this Variety article, Green then said “‘If you won’t be in my movie, at least be my friend.’” Cheesy. Very cheesy.

This same article does not mention the fact that Burstyn was offered double her initial salary offer after she first initially turned down the movie. The 90-year-old actress accepted that offer and used the movie to set up a scholarship at Pace University. Burstyn reprising her role is nothing more than a money grab, thankfully for a justified reason.

Some entities who need to do some justifying are Blumhouse Productions, Universal Pictures and Peacock; this conglomerate spent $400 million to get the distribution rights, and as an amendment, there is a guarantee of a trilogy. That means that despite the remarkably poor performance, there are going to be more films within The Exorcist universe. 

It should be noted that The Exorcist: Believer made over $130 million worldwide on a $30 million dollars budget, so the profit margin is there. There is a great thesis one could write asking the question as to whether it helped the bottom line that The Exorcist: Believer DID NOT appear on Peacock during its run in theaters. That’s added pressure for the movie to be good, which I will say again, it is not.

If you want to torture yourself, The Exorcist: Believer is streaming on Peacock. Only watch it if the power of Christ propels you.

STANKO RATING: D