For the record, I only make these selections based of movies I have seen, and I have not seen everything from this year. As of when I am writing this, I have seen 71 movies that have been released in the calendar year 2023. I know, not a ton. I have logged over 300 movies this year, but the majority are from years past in a way to educate myself. I rewatched a crap ton of David Fincher and James Bond to end the year; and those are good homework assignments.
But I digress.
Below are the five worst movies I have seen in 2023. At the end will be my honorable mentions.
65
Laser guns! Dinosaurs! Adam Driver! All three of these things are exciting!
So how the hell did 65 turn out such a disappointing product?! 65 is 90 minutes of doldrum boredom. How in hell is it possible to be bored when an Oscar worthy actor is shooting up prehistoric beasts?
All of the action in 65 looks terrible and none of the characters are explicitly interesting. Adam Driver’s character is not cool enough to have the “we barely know him” aesthetic, nor is he interesting enough for us to know more about him. He is like an action figure with a cool ass gun. That’s all he is and that’s all 65 is.
Never would have thought that 65 would be Driver’s most boring movie in Driver’s filmography. A crowning achievement of BLAH from writers and directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods. THese are from the same guys who wrote A Quiet Place (2018)!
65 is destined to be middle-fodder streaming service entertainment for as long as someone will pay for the rights. When I watched it, it was on Netflix.
STANKO RATING: D-
Bama Rush
What a fucking disgustingly prestine example of selfish filmmaking. Bama Rush advertises itself with a great idea and then demotes itself to summer school level stupidity once its framework is torn out from underneath it.
When the University of Alabama learns that there is a documentary being made about their Greek Week, it sends director Rachel Fleit and Baba Rush as a whole into the toilet. Instead of abandoning ship, Fliet decided to put the spotlight on her and the idea of alienation due to her alopecia.
Yold us on understanding the ins and outs of southern sorority life but then fed us with boiled boring barbage. How did you not plan B, C and D when making this movie? You knew you weren’t getting access to the houses and many of your subjects dropped out, yet you still tried to venture on?
THis was a poorly planned project that turned into a very poor documentary. Bama Rush has the distinction of being bad on a logistical and entertainment level.
False advertising is a crime right? Could Bama Rush be charged with a cinematic felony? I would like fiscal payment for the harm it caused me.
Bama Rush, if you choose to watch it, is streaming on Max.
STANKO RATING: D-
The Black Demon
I wanted a bad monster movie. I didn’t want just a bad movie.
The Black Demon is trying too hard to be something more than a poorly CGI’d shark movie and the only thing it succeeds in is being a headache in overreaching. The Black Demon tries to bring in a ton of capitalism and environmentalism into the plot, but it makes the audience hallucinate creepy horrendous eyeballs like the characters in The Black Demon.
As I wrote in my initial review: The Black Demon feels cheap, but it doesn’t embrace the cheap. This movie should be campy and fun, but it’s not that sort. There are plenty of better shark movies out there in the universe, and I implore you to watch one of those.
If you want to dive into the oil infested ocean waters, The Black Demon is on Amazon Prime.
STANKO RATING: F
Haunting of the Queen Mary
Have you ever heard of the Haunting Of The Queen Mary?
No?
Good.
Haunting Of The Queen Mary is not only one of the worst movies of 2023, but it is also one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is bad. All of it is bad.
This time traveling attempt at a haunted setting ghost story is as appetizing as an undercooked hotdog placed in a soggy bun that must be consumed atop the mast of a ship in the middle of a test. It’s also as confusing as that last analogy.
Also, is it bad that when the actress Alice Eve is brought up, I just think of the gratuitously unnecessary undergarments shot in Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)? IYKYK.
Haunting Of The Queen Mary is streaming on Hulu. I can only recommend watching it if you want to be confused, unscared and slightly scarred by a surprising amount of bloody violence.
STANKO RATING: F
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines
Sometimes a bad movie is just a bad movie. Sometimes you don’t need to delve too deep to know a particular viewing experience is going to be utterly forgettable.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines just don’t have a lot, or anything, going for it. It is not fair to ask a movie why it exists, but it is fair to ask why it took such an approach. Bloodlines tried to be a direct predecessor to Stephen King’s book, yet just one generation difference in characters makes for multiple degrees of enjoyment separation.
The movie is not scary. The movie is predictable to a fault. The movie doesn’t bring forth any desire to visit King’s novel or the 1989 version Pet Sematary. I was greatly annoyed by the shoe-horned concept of the Vietnam war in culture. It was there like sprinkles on a sundae; there for decoration but not intrinsic value.
Perhaps Bloodlines belongs more on a “most disappointing” list, but they can be on in the same.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is streaming on Paramount+.
STANKO RATING: F+
HONORABLE MENTIONS
- Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
- Assassin Club
- Batman: The Doom That Came To Gotham
- Ghosted
- Insidious: The Red Door
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