PREAMBLE

Show in the comments, how many people have paid for Surviving Barstool? For those who have, is it worth it? For those who haven’t, do you have any FOMO? For those who don’t give a fuck, how much would you pay to never have to hear the topic again?

Let’s stick to fantasy football here. The results this week were clarifying. Playoff teams and seedings were solidified. More teams were eliminated from the playoff picture, and the decisive matchups for week 14 have been set.

Side note, has anyone been watching this NBA In-Season tournament? It has been unreal basketball. Even though the Celtics lost, this has still been great for the NBA. Also, I love Tyrese Haliburton. He is so scary. So good.

Back to fantasy football. This is the penultimate full recap.

Let’s get going.

WEEK 13 SCOREBOARD

  • What a gross fantasy football matchup. Much like how a football game itself has a flow one can feel, this matchup lacked any fluidity. Both Vaghi and I got boned with injuries. I lost Kenney Pickett in the first half, and that really put a knock on an attempt at a Steelers QB/WR stack. Vaghi lost Rhamondre Stevenson and Amari Cooper during their respective games, and both are skeptical to play next week. Stevenson is out for probably the rest of the regular season.
    • I outsmarted myself with the way I set up my lineup. I dropped Gardner Minshew and played Pickett. I fell in love with the Steelers offense of week 12 and saw the Minshew stats of him on the road. I also say Cooper Kupp because he had single-digit points for five straight games. Both of those decisions ended up hurting me, big time.
  • Timmy Drakeley gets a crucial win he needs to stay alive in the playoff picture. Doesn’t matter how he got it. Timmy secured the victory. The ends justify the means there. CeeDee Lamb has Timmy’s top player scoring 32.6 points. He has three games with 30+ points this season. Keenan Allen also has three 30+ scoring games this season, so not a bad wide receiver duo for Timmy.
    • If we are in the trust tree here, I am pretty upset with Jack. He did not fill two roster spots, and if he did, he would have beaten Timmy. If he beat Timmy, then Timmy would be two games behind me, meaning that only Michaud would be a game behind me. I have more points than Michaud so I have the tiebreaker. I do not have the tiebreaker against Tommy. So now there is more pressure on me this week than was necessary.
  • Greg Brick is coming on strong. He has scored over 125 points for three straight weeks, and has only scored less than 124 points once in the last six games. In the past two weeks he has taken down Vaghi and Eric, both of whom are playoff caliber teams. Brick has set himself up for a chance to overtake Eric in the standings with a huge win this week and if Eric suffers another defeat.
    • The discrepancy in the matchup starts right at the top. Dak Prescott had 28.26 points on Thursday night against Seattle and Baker Mayfield had just 9.88 starting for Eric. The Football Team really suffered not having Josh Allen. These late bye weeks are crazy. Alvin Kamara and Chuba Hubbard combined for 52.3, but Brick’s 32.3 points from Tyreek Hill ate into that. Eric also had zero points against Miami. He just ran a lot of cardio.
  • In the battle to avoid last place, Michael Kenney came away with a huge win over Huntley. Derrick Henry scored 26.0 points before leaving with injury, and Kyren Willaims continues to be the workhorse for the Rams. Add in De’Von Achane to the mix and the Kenny’s running backs combined for 71.5 points. Not too shabby, and big with Stefon Diggs on a bye.
    • Huntley got quality outings from Jalen Hurts, Isaiah Pacheco and Ja’Marr Chase, but it was the lesser players who let him down. Jaylen Warren scored only 6.5 points, and Marquis Brown put up a goose egg. Also, how about the Dallas Cowboys defense scoring -3.0 points. The Cowboys D/ST has three games with season with negative points, but also four games with 15 or more points.
  • With Gabe’s loss and Tim’s win, the regular season title is secured for the Participation Trophy. It is not Bove’s greatest performance of the season, but Michael Pittman Jr. and his four quarter and overtime heroics help push him over the top. Pittman Jr. now has two straight games with 20+ points and has scored double-digit points in all but one game. Sam LaPorta was also massive with 29.0 points. This rookie is the third ranked fantasy tight end this season. Damn, he is good.
    • A massive blow for MIchaud and his playoff chances. He is not eliminated, but he has a long ladder to climb. This time around, the AFC West again let Michaud down. It is rather crazy how Austin Ekeler and Patrick Mahones have been nothing more than mediocre this season. Michaud needs to win in week 14 to have any chance, and he is going to need players like Brian Robinson and others to step-up.
  • Damn Drakeley! From the fucking clouds! Hell of a performance! 164.48 points is one of the best scoring outputs of the entire season. Jordan Love is looking like a damn good quarterback and he put up nearly 24 points against a good Kansas City defense. DK Metcalf erupted for 37.4 points in a loss on Thursday, and Joe Mixon added some extra icing on the cake on Monday night with his best game of the season with 29.7 points.
    • Gabe is just saving his best stuff for the postseason. That is what we will say. He was simply resting Josh Jacobs, DJ Moore, T.J. Hockenson, Khalil Herbert and Justin Tucker for future performances. That is at four starters on his team down, so a win would have been like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

WEEK 13 ANALYTICS

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  • Billy led the league in scoring for the first time this season.
    • He also had the best scoring to projected point total for the first time.
  • I had the lowest score of the week for the second straight week.
  • Brick has led the league in points on the bench two weeks in a row.
  • Timmy has had the fewest bench points two weeks in a row.
  • Gabe had the lowest total point scored for the first time this season.
    • He also had the lowest projected point total for the first time.
  • Kenney had the top scoring running back duo for the second straight week.
  • I had the lowest running back scoring output for the first time this season.
  • Vaghi had the lowest wide receiver scoring output for the second straight week.
  • Bove had the top scoring tight end position for the second straight week and fourth time this season.
  • Gabe and List (because of no rostering of a player) each had the low point for the first time this season in the tight end position.
  • Huntley had the lowest scoring defense for the first time this season. A rarity with the Dallas Cowboys defense.
  • Billy had the top scoring player_position for the first time, and Vaghi had the lowest scoring player_position for the first time.

ADDITIONAL WEEK 13 STATISTICS

Margin Of Victory By Week
  • Week One: 35.96
  • Week Two: 25.74
  • Week Three: 25.97
  • Week Four: 27.31
  • Week Five: 48.05
  • Week Six: 18.00
  • Week Seven: 37.48
  • Week Eight: 22.20
  • Week Nine: 29.89
  • Week Ten: 22.17
  • Week Eleven: 17.38
  • Week Twelve: 32.87
  • Weel Thirteen: 25.66
  • Average Margin Of Victory This Season Is 28.28
TOP Six WEEKLY TOTAL
  • 164.48 – Billy
  • 143.60 – Kenney
  • 139.46 – Brick
  • 123.94 – Timmy
  • 121.98 – Eric
  • 118.82 – List
LOWEST Six WEEKLY TOTAL
  • 81.80 – Stanko
  • 82.86 – Gabe
  • 85.10 – Vaghi
  • 99.20 – Michaud
  • 113.94 – Huntley
  • 115.98 – Bove
Average Team Totals Per Week
  • Week One: 101.19
  • Week Two: 117.54
  • Week Three: 120.95
  • Week Four: 118.77
  • Week Five: 118.61
  • Week Six: 107.77
  • Week Seven: 111.97
  • Week Eight: 123.68
  • Week Nine: 104.25
  • Week Ten: 113.925
  • Week Eleven: 115.38
  • Week Twelve: 128.12
  • Week Thirteen: 115.93
  • Average Team Total This Season Is 115.24

WEEK 14 MATCHUPS

  • I mean, an absolutely massive matchup for myself. I need to win to secure myself a playoff spot. Plain and simple. That’s it. I need a win, and I am going up against Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bill looking for revenge against the Kansas City Chiefs. Folks, going to be honest, I am not feeling too confident in this one. I have been incredibly lucky this season, and I think Lady Luck has left the table.
    • Eric fell to me in week three, 106.38 to 105.72. 
  • The question is if Jack knows that James Connor is on a bye this week, and that Trevor Lawrence most likely isn’t going to play either. Alright, yes, I can sense people rolling their eyes. Just joshing over here.Either way Brick should be feeling great heading into this matchup. He has a chance to really heat up before the postseason. I think it’s safe to say he is the hottest team in the league right now.
    • Jack List absolutely destroyed Greg Brick in week three, 164.84 to 112.86. 
  • Listen, does Michael Kenney believe in Dom Torretto’s mantra. Family. If Kenney is a Family man than he will play spoiler to Timmy, but with that being said, it’s a tough challenge. I don’t think Joshua Dobbs can possibly be that bad again for Timmy.
    • In week three, Timmy took down Kenney 141.224 to 106.06.
  • This matchup is an exercise in irrelevance. Sorry., but it is true. It has not consequence for the postseason. Perhaps there is a bit of pride for Huntley because he has the chance to outscore Bove on the season, and then he could say he outscored the regular season champion and still somehow didn’t make the postseason.
    • Bove took down Huntley in week three, 152.3 to 121.78.
  • Vaghi has to feel pretty damn good about his postseason chances, but it is not in the bag at all. A win, and for sure he is in. He is playing Billy, who is coming off his highest scoring week of the season. Jordan Love is in prime time again, so Vaghi is going to have to wait until Sunday night to see what his postseason prognostications will be like.
    • Vaghi fell to Billy in week three, 128.66 to 113.46.
  • Michaud needs a ton of help, and Gabe wants to ensure himself a bye into the second round of the playoffs. Gabe gets a ton of starters back after scoring just 7.0 points on his bench last week, so he has to be happy to be at full force. Michaud needs a hope and prayer to have a chance to defend his crown.
    • Again…in week three…Gabe took down Michaud 110.06 to 87.88.

TEAMS ON A BYE: ARIZONA CARDINALS, WASHINGTON COMMANDERS

STANDINGS

  • Tim Bove has won the regular season championship. Hats off to him. Kudos.
  • Eric has secured himself a playoff spot despite losing to Brick.
  • Huntley and Billy have been officially eliminated from postseason contention.
  • There are now six people competing for the final three playoff spots.
    • Brick is in the best spot because he has the most points of the teams competing.
    • Michaud is in the stickiest situation needing help and having the fewest points scored.
  • The only way that Eric can get a bye is if he beats me, if Gabe loses, and he outscores Gabe by basically 50 points.
  • While Huntley has had terrible luck, he does have the fourth most points scored against him. The teams that has battled through the toughest grind and still stand in the playoff position are Brick and Timmy. They have the most points scored against them.
  • In terms of the battle to not be in last place, Jack needs a win against Brick…and he needs Kenney to lose…and he needs to outscore Kenney by like 32 points.

PUBLIC RELATIONS

“Not pretty, but will take the W.”

Matt Vaghi – Manager of Monkey Boys

No Comment.

Timmy Drakeley – Manager of KC Rough Housers

“A pleasure to leave Eric in the dust, seeding don’t mean shit. Dumpster fires coming for the belt.”

Greg Brick – Manager of Derby Dumpster Fires

“Another stroke of unfortunate luck for Hunt. The guy may end the season with the most points scored against in the history of fantasy football.”

Michael Kenney – Manager of Sad LPK

“Hate to lose Tank this late in the season but locking up the number one seed was huge. LaPorta and Pittman have been incredible assets for the team this year.”

Tim Bove – Manager of Participation Trophy

“Love Train kicked Gabe in the caboose this week. We’re playing spoiler here on out and ready to roll over anyone who crosses our tracks, choo choo motherfucker.”

Billy Drakeley – Manager of Love Train

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