PREAMBLE

T’is the damn season. Here we are, once again stressing about injuries and handcuffs for potentially unusable players. But such is fantasy football. Such is the life path we choose to trot down.

Week one saw the majority of teams fall well below their projected point total and that is due solely to a lot of awful offensive performances. The Cincinnati Bengals looked like a pop warner and the Seattle Seahawks forgot there was a football game in the second half. Good defenses like the New York Jets and New England Patriots shut down potentially strong offensive teams. Things got ugly out there from a fantasy perspective. It makes week one even more unreliable. Who is better than we thought? Who just had a bad day? It’s time for everyone to go through their mental rolodex and figure out where they want to place the weight of their decisions. 

Also this is a bit of a commissioner request, but if you could change your name from last year that would be cool. Like seeing creativity if you are willing to spill it.

WEEK 1 SCOREBOARD

  • I consider myself lucky to have won this matchup. Lamar Jackson decided that he wanted to fumble endlessly against  the Houston Texans, and Saquon Barkley did nothing big on Sunday night against the Cowboys. Oh, and Drake London had zero points for Tommy because the Falcons don’t pass. Tommy didn’t play Packer Romeo Doubs, who had 16.6 points. Thank you for not believing in your own team Tommy. For myself, I had Austin Ekeler do his thing against Maimi, and the stack of Trevor Lawrence and Calvin Ridley really carried me to victory. Anthony Richardson did have over 20 points on my bench though…
  • The most dominant performance of the week goes to Matthew Buzzi. Somehow he got 9.04 points from Josh Allen even though the Buffalo quarterback sucked dick, but his fellatio was balanced out by Tyreek Hill scoring 39.0 points for the Miami Dolphins,. That man is fast. So fast. Tony Pollard also had a 21.2 point effort on Sunday night to really put it in the bag.You think that is impressive? What about a 35.0 point battle cry by the Dallas D/ST. Ronan only had two players with 10+ points in his starting lineup. Not even having Travis Kelce would have helped Ronan this week.
  • Jimmy Simon must have been salivating at the chance of victory when overtime was secured on Monday night, but Stefon Diggs could not get two points in OT two Matthew McGinnity survives with a week one win. McGinnity is thanking his stars that Joe Burrow and Tee Higgins fucking STUNK against the Cleveland Browns. Meanwhile, McGinnity had Christina McCaffrey scored a team-high 24.4 points against a different AFC North opponent. Matt prolly wishes we had a two QB league because he had Tua Tagovailoa on his bench with 27.14 points.
  • I am typing this recap on my UBER ride home after working the Monday Night Football game and my immediate thought is that Steve does not give any shits that he lost his fantasy matchup to the logo. For Lobo, somehow Deshaun Watson got 20.06 points despite not playing that particularly well. Breece Hall looked great for the Jets and played a part in beating Steve on Monday night. Steve can’t be too discouraged because Jalen Hurts is not going to be as futile (fantasy wise) as he was against the Patriots. 
  • Oh no. What a horrendous way to start the season for Michael Ritz. It wasn’t enough that his New York Giants get demolished on Sunday night. Normally dependable kicker Graham Gano missed two field goals, meaning he scored -2.0 points…meaning that Tom McLaughlin steals the win, 100.64-99.66. To possibly make matters worse, the defending Reeeeeem champion got 18.0 points from his kicker Jake Elliot. Elliot was one of his four double-digit scorers. Tom, do you feel good with this win? You stole victory from the jaws of defeat.

WEEK 1 ANALYTICS

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  • Buzzi led the way in six of the categories this week.
    • Buzzi won handley despite having the eighth lowest QB output of the week.
  • Jimmy was top five in eight different statistical categories this week…yet he did not win his matchup.
    • He did leave the most points on the bench this week, and he had the most points from his starting tight end.
  • The defending champion McLaughlin ranked dead last in four different categories this week; points on the bench, total team points, running back points and D/ST points
  • Lobo and I were the only teams to not have a WORST or BEST score this week.
  • No starting tight end this week had double-digit points…that is super sad.
    • The highest scorer was T.J. Hockenson with 7.5 points.
  • Only two teams this week passed their projected points; Buzzi and Lobo

ADDITIONAL WEEK 1 STATISTICS

Margin Of Victory By Week
  • Week 1: 19.13
  • Average Margin Of Victory This Season Is 19.13
TOP FIVE WEEKLY TOTAL
  • 149.04 – Allen This Together (Matthew Buzzi)
  • 121.66 – Keke, Coutee Luv Me (Chris Lobo)
  • 108.92 -Ooooo, Jeudy James Jeudy (Matthew McGinnity)
  • 107.58 – Country Roads, Take Mahomes (Jimmy Simon)
  • 105.1 – The Great Warren (Steve Kultzow)
LOWEST FIVE WEEKLY TOTAL
  • 84.14 – Now You CeeDee, Now You Don’t (Ronan McClorey)
  • 90.26 – Across The Pond With London (Tommy Simon)
  • 99.66 – Dirty Mike And The Boys (Michael Ritz)
  • 100.64 – My Glockz Out (Tom McLaughlin)
  • 102.14 – Watson The Other Side Of The Door (Jonathan Stanko)
Average Team Totals Per Week
  • Week One: 1069.14

WEEK 2 MATCHUPS

  • Jimmy and I matchup in week two and that gives the younger Simon an immediate chance to get some revenge for week one when he was the highest scorer to lose and I was the lowest scorer to win. Granted the margin was minimal, but still Jimmy can make his efforts known.
    • I have four players that are all questionable to play next week; Austin Ekeler has an ankle problem and that is my biggest worry. My team’s namesake Christian Watson is also banged up. Jimmy should get Jerry Jeudy back but Jakobi Myers would be a surprise healthy slot.
  • The two top scoring teams of week one now go at it in week two. Buzzi put on a show and Lobo didn’t sweat a bit. The chance to go 2-0 against an early playoff team shouldn’t be taken lightly.
    • Big things are going to come about on Thursday because Lobo has Justin Jefferson and that will set the tone for the matchup.
  • Ronan needs a bounce back week like he needs air to breath while Tom is just happy he got a rock in his trick-or-treat bag. A win is a win even if it’s tough to swallow.
    • Both Ronan and Tom have players they are likely to play going on Monday night; Jamaal Williams of the Saints for Ronan and Amart Cooper of the Browns for Tom. No early bedtime for these two.
  • Steve and Tommy enter week two of the fantasy football season with strange real life sensations. Steve just lost Tommy’s old (potentially Hall Of Fame) quarterback for the season and has to believe in Zach Wilson. Tommy saw Jordan Love slinging it against the Chicago Bears and has a rather upbeat outlook. This has nothing to do with fantasy, I understand that, but it was the first thought that came to my mind.
    • Both Tommy and Steve would like better fantasy outings from their quarterbacks; Lamar Jackson and Jalen Hurts, respectfully. This is also a fantasy matchup that pins A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith against one another; and if Hurts does well for Steve…that means Brown prolly does well for Tommy too.
  • Ritz is coming off a gutting loss and McGinnity is coming off a stressful win. You look on paper, and I am going to be honest and say that Matt’s team looks sexier, but being sexy doesn’t give you bonus points. As of now with their current projects for next week, this matchup is going to be within half a point.
    • For Ritz, the stress is going to last until Monday for sure because he has five players on his team going over the course of the doubleheaders. Also he has to deal with Graham Gano being hurt, and Diontae Johnson most likely being out for week two.

TEAMS ON A BYE: NONE

STANDINGS

  • Obviously no movement in the standings this week because we have only just begun. It’s a long season!

PUBLIC RELATIONS

“Ritz owes me $20”

Tom McLaughlin – Manager of My Glockz Out

“Happy to open the season out with a win. I’d like to thank Austin Ekeler for being RB1 on Sunday. Team overcame some low point efforts, and the stack of Trevor Lawrence & Calvin Ridley has me feeling all tingly.”

Jonathan Stanko – Manager of Watson The Other Side Of The Door

“It feels good to be back in THE REEEEEEEM, Good luck this year boys boys, you guys gonna need it”

Chris Lobo – Manager of Keke, Coutee Luv Me

“That was close. Too close. Im getting too old for this shit 😂”

Matthew McGinnity – Manager of Oooooo Jeudy James Jeudy

“The team fought hard, and by the team I mean Tyreek and the Cowboys. Strong start as long as we remember: We’re Allen this together.”

Matthew Buzzi – Manager of Allen This Together

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