Here it is. Time to get back to my stream of consciousness listing making brain dumping recaps of each Bachelor episode. Let’s get to it.

THOUGHTS AFTER WEEK ONE

  • Clayton’s mom is freaking out with him surprising her before their dinner and then she is very happy for him to be named the next bachelor. We like seeing happy parents.
  • In just the preview for this season we see more crying than was in the entire season of the Bachelorette with Michelle.
  • It is nice to have this show back at the mansion. Get some normality back. Now we just need them to get back on the normal schedule and not overload us.
  • Jesse Palmer is here as the host of the The Bachelor and guess what, he is really good at it.
    • You can tell that Jesse is really good at TV because he knows how to emphasize his pauses and he doesn’t fiddle with his hands. He knows what to do with his hands on camera. He is not Ricky Bobby.
    • Can we all agree that Jesse Palmer is more attractive than Clayton.
    • Do we think that the time Clayton and Jesse meet outside the mansion is actually the first time they talk? There is no way.
  • Eureka, MI residents are treating Clayton like he is a god or a hero returning from war. It was a very strange look.
  • High school, to walk-on at Missouri, to scholarship to professional. Kind of a cool story. I can get behind the sports stuff.
  • What kind of car was Clayton driving on his way to the mansion? They branded out the logo.
  • Clayton is very, very, very excited to become The Bachelor. Very, very excited.
  • Before we get to all the girls, let’s take a look at Salley first. SHE WAS ENAGED TO BE MARRIED JUST BEFORE COMING ON THE SHOW!
    • Salley has a wee bit of crazy eyes and Kiera Knightly teeth.
    • Sally is meeting with Clayton before the rest of women because she is feeling unconfident about what to do next. Her heart is torn.
    • Clayton really is in a no-win situation…but he makes it worse.
    • After a good talk HE BRINGS OUT A ROSE TO GIVE TO HER? I mean dude, she is overwhelmed already. Why are you doing this to her? Salley is not ready for the show yet you put her batting leadoff against the reigning Cy Young award winner! That is not how this works!
      • Giving her reassurance is a good thing, but forcing her to make an even more amplified decision was truly the final straw.
    • Salley goes home on her own accord, which is the right decision for her.
    • There was just an absurdly placed football in the hotel room with them.
  • Alright, let’s meet some of the women, shall we? (Not everyone though, not everyone deserves it)
    • Shanae is from a small town so she and Clayton have that in common
      • Former NFL cheerleader – football connection
    • Daria is too good for this show! Yale law student.
    • Susie is a wedding videographer.
      • She is a very pretty person. She looks a lot like Hannah Brown.
    • Elizabeth comes from wealth.
    • There is another virgin on this show but she seems to not take it as an identity trait which is right.
    • Lyndsey with a “y” is weird name.
    • Ency’s dress is very pretty. She is very pretty.
    • I do not find Serene that pretty but she eventually gets the first rose in the rose ceremony portion.
    • Tessa!!! The local Stamford, CT resident!!! Emma and I are rooting for her.
    • There was an electricity pun with the zapper in the hand. it was a punny joke and Emma liked it.
    • Claire is a professional spray tanner. She has to be from a southern state.
      • I check the records…Interesting, Virginia Beach, VA. Thought it would be more south.
  • Let’s stick on Claire, she has a lot of air time.
    • She and Clayton’s one-on-one time does not go very well at all.
    • Claire sets up like a football date, chicken wings and corn hole and the entire conversation is forced.
    • Claire gets her time stolen away by Marinara lay, but that is not the reason she is miserable.
    • Claire does not vibe with Clayton. She doesn’t want the American Dream type of guy. She doesn’t want someone too nice. And that is Clayton.
    • Claire has the right not to like Clayton and not to date him, but she doesn’t have the right to turn into a bitch about it.
    • Clayton says that he sent Claire home…but did Claire actually send herself off
  • Back to the women.
    • Jane says she is a cougar but she is 33 years old. That is not cougar age.
    • Kira came up dressed in lingerie and a medical outfit. She looked great
      • I think it is Sierra who has all the sassy comments. Was she the one who said “she is wearing lingerie. What do you expect?”
    • Teddi is adorable and really really cute.
      • Teddi gets the first kiss AND THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. MASSIVE. WE LIKE HER.
      • Clayton’s hand was DEEP in her thigh. Very deep.
      • There has to be just a lot of relief to finally get that first kiss on camera over with. Get that big thing out of the way.
    • So there is Holly, who is the old woman. This is a promotion for the senior bachelor show that is happening. Holly was there to promote Rachel, the flight attendant, WHO IS OGIN GO LAST A WHILE! I CALL IT.
    • There is a Chrissy Teigen look alike during this season.
    • The “sit on your face” pillow was bad
    • Hunter has a snake. Emma likes it, and I do not.
    • Samantha comes in the bath tub and is in a very scantily clad bathing suit and she leaves on her own accord but we don’t even see her leave.
    • Elizabeth giving Clayton a 100 year old photo is a CRAZY MOVE!
    • Susie is very pretty and she is scored a ton of brownie points because she asked Clayton directly.
  • There was a random point in the episode when Clayton said “All so pretty.” He is the perfect mold for the producers to create something out of. Pretty (but not as hot as Jesse Palmer), extremely enthusiastic, and naïve.
  • My girlfriend says that sparkley dresses with no backs are in now and that was incredibly prevelent in this episode. Everyone was walking gout of the limo in one.
  • There is some cookie cutter necklace in the room which is nasty.
  • Clayton spilling his drink during the toast was incredibly endearing.
  • I can not wait any longer…CLAYTON CALLED THEM THE OAKLAND RAIDERS. THEY ARE NOT IN OAKLAND ANY MORE. YOU CALL YOURSELF A FOOTBALL FAN?? CLAIRE WAS RIGHT TO LEAVE!!
  • Who likes cold Marinara sauce? I do not.
  • What a long ass rose ceremony. Just so many people.
  • Gabby going to grab the rose before Clayton would give it to her was really awkward.
  • TESSA GET THE FINAL ROSE!! STAMFORD, CT LIVES!!!
  • Office Space post credit scene was a wonderful touch
    • Can we get the original Office Space music in there too? That would be a nice touch.

POWER RANKINGS AFTER WEEK ONE

22. Mara

(Last Week N/A)

With no real villains made in the first week, I am creating my own. Cold marinara sauce is weird and she was a bit distasteful in my eyes.

21. Genevieve

(Last Week N/A)

Genevieve did nothing wrong, but for some reason she rubbed me the wrong way. It’s a stupid reasoning, I know.

20. Gabby

(Last Week N/A)

Gabby trying to grab the rose early was reallllllly awkward. She is a lot.

19. Marlena

(Last Week N/A)

The lone Virginia Beach native left. The only reason she is this low is because we don’t know much about her.

18. Melina

(Last Week N/A)

I don’t have any notes on Melina, so the only reason she is lower than Marlena is because she is lower than her on the alphabet.

17. Serena

(Last Week N/A)

I did not like her dress and I do not find her the prettiest of the girls. She did get the first rose in the rose ceremony.

16. Hunter

(Last Week N/A)

Hunter had the snake. My girlfriend liked it a lot. She reminded me of bad boy Hunter from Katie’s season. But I remember her so that is points.

15. Elizabeth

(Last Week N/A)

Elizabeth comes from money and this is going to be me stereotyping, but I can’t wait for her to complain about how bored she is at the Mansion because she is not used to getting what she wants.

14. Kate

(Last Week N/A)

For some reason in my own brain, Kate looks more like her job as a real estate agent than Elizabeth does a real estate advisor. So she gets ranked one higher.

13. Lyndsey W.

(Last Week N/A)

I think she looks like a mutual friend of my girlfriend’s and I, but Emma disagrees. She loses points for the pink shirt in this photo.

12. Sarah

(Last Week N/A)

Sarah is super cute but she is only 23 years old. So young to be on this show. Still so much time for her.

11. Cassidy

(Last Week N/A)

Didn’t get much of Cassidy but I think she is really cute so she can go right into the middle.

10. Kira

(Last Week N/A)

Kira looked really hot in the lingerie but also did it in a non super over-the-top way. The medical jacket stayed on all night so she didn’t try and flaunt too much.

9. Jill

(Last Week N/A)

Jill is very cute, and she has an awesome job that is fascinating. Architectural historian? I mean I hope she goes traveling with Clayton so we can see her intelligence analyzing buildings.

8. Sierra

(Last Week N/A)

Sierra is this high because she is going to create drama and she had some great one-liners.

7. Shanae

(Last Week N/A)

The small town connection with Clayton is going to go far. She will have an emotional thing happen to her at some point in time.

6. Eliza

(Last Week N/A)

She is stunning and her flashcard trick worked well with me. She took the kissing competition competitively.

5. Ency

(Last Week N/A)

Ency is very pretty but her dress was even more pretty. Didn’t think that coral color barrage would work, but it did.

4. Tessa

(Last Week N/A)

I do not care it if is biased. She is from 20 minutes from Emma and I live. We see her get a one-on-one. Tessa is here to stay.

3. Teddi

(Last Week N/A)

First kiss and first impression rose. Only good thing for Teddi.

2. Rachel

(Last Week N/A)

Rachel got a ton of screen time and she was able to play off the Holly thing well. She will be staying a long time.

1. Susie

(Last Week N/A)

Susie is beautiful and she is incredibly charming. Her asking Clayton sincerely how he was doing made me very happy.

The next episode of The Bachelor airs on Monday, January 10 at 8 PM ET on ABC. it is going up against the college football playoff on ESPN so we will see how the ratings are.


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